Bad memories always resurface :/
 

So this is round 3 day 5 in the last month for me. Random question. In my wildest days, before I was a mother-age19-21, I drank a lot-more than I ever have and experimented with drugs and put myself in some really dangerous situations, was around really bad ppl, very wreckless, careless, stupid, all that. So needless to say I brought some pretty terrible things on myself and some scary, bad & embarrassing stuff happened to me. I've put it all behind me and I'm fine now but I've noticed every time I don't drink for a few days and have more of a clear head I find myself "remembering" all these horrible memories that I haven't thought of in years. I can't even listen to most of the music I like without getting these flashback memories and it's annoying. Is this normal? And when will it go away?

For me, bad memories consist of really embarrasing or mean things I did while drunk. I always start remembering them when I sober up. A part of me wants to just drink so I don't have to think about these things...because when I drink, I simply don't care. With more sober time, I stop thinking about these things. But in the beginning, they are memories that are tough to live with.

If you are talking about something more traumatic than what I am referring to, I don't know if they will go away without getting some professional help.

Oh I have my fair share of shameful & embarrassing memories. The rest are more sad than traumatic.

Yes, this is normal.

Your drinking (like mine) helped to keep those memories at bay. When I stopped drinking, I knew I was going to have to face the things I had avoided for years. You will be able to feel those feelings and to let them go. And, try to remember that they are just feelings. They have no control over you.

I think most of us revisit things in the pass when we quit. Eventually we realise that it's the live we're living now, and who we are now that really counts, and we move on, Brit.

stay strong :)

D

When you truly forgive yourself the memories will fade. :hug:

I didn't start abusing alcohol until my 30's. I had already made peace with childhood issues. I had to go through it all over again when I sobered up. It didn't start happening until about 6 months though. Before that remembering bad memories or embarrassing moments was part of this negative self talk loop I was stuck on. Working through it=good. Using it to put yourself down=bad.

This is my delemna too. I have a lot of embarrassing, shameful memories of drunken behavior that keep cropping up. The only thing I can do is label my feelings about this past behavior, talk and write about them and get through to the other side. It always passes. The feelings will surface again at times. I remind myself that there is nothing that a drink or drug won't make worse and I will never have a chance of feeling better about myself and my situation if I drink. Patience and acceptance. Hang tough!

i have a hard time sometimes with those kind of feelings popping up and like others have said with time and dealing with them, like forgiving yourself they do get better and i feel like for me they are lessons learned. I dont allow my memories to belittle me into feeling bad about the person i am now. I have grown from the person that did the hurtful things and that hurtful things were done to so it makes me stronger to know that I lived through all of that and made my ammends to the ones that i hurt.

Well good to know it's not just me! If nothing else it's motivation to not drink and have more regrets.

Another thing to consider is it might help to talk to a therapist about whether or not you are dealing with PTSD. PTSD is something a staggering number of alcoholics deal with, and dealing with it effectively can help recovery. Maybe it's not relevant, but when I read that, a huge lightbulb went off for me personally. I felt haunted by images of things that I did or that happened to me while I was drinking during my most dangerous time. It took me years to get over them, and I think it would have gone a lot better, and maybe faster, if I'd known to go talk to someone about it. I know some of this is just stuff we all deal with, but if you suffered trauma or abuse in any of these situations, there's more going on than just "give it time" will sort out. My experience anyway.

Hi brit. I agree with the others - it's normal & common. It's also normal to want to drink to quiet the memories down - I did it for years. I'd begin to feel good & sabotage myself by reliving episodes from the past. Drunken Hevyn was a mess - but she's gone now & she's not coming back. Try to remember it wasn't the 'real' brit who did foolish & dangerous things. Give yourself a break.

Adee that sounds about right. I wondered about that. I've been thinking about making an appointment with a therapist but I don't know which kind I need. I've talked with a psychologist before but didn't really get anything out of it. The whole "cognitive behavior therapy" doesn't do much for me.

I would look for someone who specializes in addiction and PTSD in women. The reading I've done on it has been eye opening for me - how PTSD feeds a vicious cycle with alcoholism. I certainly saw that in myself. It's not so much that I felt shame at my memories - I felt held hostage by them, and not just emotionally, but viscerally. It's the difference between recalling a memory and feeling like you are actually reliving it over and over again.

Day three is fantastic, Brit. Hang in there.

Wow. Well thanks a lot. I'll definitely look into that.