jdooner

MM - I am just like you only with a bit of perspective having walked in your shoes. The perfectionism is the problem! Its an ideal and not reality. Nobody is perfect, not you or me. So creating a construct around an illusion results is destined for failure. Its taken me six months to grape some of these concepts so I don't want to overload but your thoughts are not you. They are thoughts, which as you develop a recovery program will undoubtedly learn you do not have to act on them. This is not about will though. If you are an alcoholic/addict like I am then you used the booze and/or drugs to cope - this was my experience. This is not a bad thing, just misguided as I learned the hard way that I could not heal a wound (virtual) with a poison, in spite of the temporary relief. So you are blaming yourself for something you have/had no control over - you have been in effect powerless over this process - I know its a lot to stomach but suffice to say stop beating yourself up and use the energy to just remain sober in these early days the rest will fall into place if you serious about recovery.

MarathonMan

Day 5 - Had a fantastic nights sleep last night, was really groggy and tired all day with a headache...decided to go to be at 9pm and slept right through until 7.15 this morning....hopefully no more broken sleep. Feel pretty good today, was going to venture back to my running club tonight but it's snowing so might wait until the weather is a bit nicer.

Starting to get a bit worried about the weekend as I'm spending it in London for my wives 30th birthday, the plan was to hit the museums in the day and hit the bars hard at night....starting to think maybe i should have got the London trip out of the way before i set my quit date....can't cancel as my wife has been looking forward to it for a few weeks now. My wife said she's happy to not go out to the pubs while we're there but i can tell she is disappointed which makes me feel guilty for ruining her plans.....no plans after London until summer holidays so should be fine if I can get this weekend out of the way.

jdooner

Your sabotaging your self...can you not see how your mind is playing tricks on you - it written in your own words. You are the sober one and your wife is urging you not to go to the bars and yet you think you should, for her.

One thing is for certain if you go out to the bars given your mindset you will drink.

amandaw

You brought tears to my eyes. You will run again. Thanks for the read. I'm struggling as well. I'm sure it's a lot colder where you are. Is there no place you can go to run off that boredom?

MarathonMan

Jdooner - Yeah you're right I think, I've just booked in to see a film on Friday night at a cinema in London so that should help take care of one night but not sure what to do on the other night....I know this sounds odd but what other night time things are there to do?....my mind is drawing a complete blank....the only think I've ever done in a city at night is go and sit in a bar, what do the non drinkers of the world do when on a city break? My lack of imagination is kind of embarrassing but everywhere I think of involves doing X...while having a few beers. Maybe that's a mind trick or something, I'm not sure.

Amanda - I live in the UK so not usually snowy but the weather here is really bad at the minute and I won't get any fun from running with a gale force wind blowing snow into my face I'm glad you enjoyed my story, sadly for me it's the only one i've got. I've made a point of not reading it again as now I've said it out loud (so to speak), I'd sooner not have to look at it again.

Dee74

at least some of these should be applicable to nighttime. They might spawn some ideas anyway

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html

D

jdooner

I am in London quite often. How about a dinner out at Zuma or Nobu - you can enjoy an amazingly good meal without drinking.

Maybe going to the Oxo tower and sitting outside and watching London proper?

How about the feris wheel. Theater?

You know one of the delusions about this disease/disorder/dysfunction is that we can't enjoy life sober. This is the addiction speaking not reality. Life is so amazing sober when you wake up and start living it.

Listen, I realize how hard it is and in early sobriety the best thing to do is head down and do whatever you can to get you through the first month. Beieve it or not you mind is screwed up and you can't think straight for sometime. Literally your mind is improperly wired from misguided reward-motivation mechanisms.

Exercise, finding things that are healthy that you enjoy doing are the best solutions to getting through these tough days. For those of us lucky enough to punch through the spell life gets so amazing on the other side.

I have a feeling your destined to enjoy the peace and serenity I am speaking of Marathon Man. You are so much more than the drink and deserve to run again and enjoy life - try not to sabotage yourself early one so you can enjoy the rest of your journey!

MarathonMan

Jdooner - thanks for taking the time to reply...i think even though its not my thing I'll become mr popular if I suggest the theater....lol....a show or a bar...my wife will soon perk up at those options.....don't worry about my early days, I made my mind up to do this and won't back down.

When my drinking got really bad about 18 months ago I started an argument with my running coach over nothing so I could purposly distance myself from him, I dropped from training and disappeared, ignored the phone calls and texts from him after.....i went to see him tonight and told him why....it was very humiliating but felt like the right thing to do, he was very shocked as knew my past and thought I knew better,was good to talk about though in words not just writing.

My emotions are crazy at the minute, only decided to go for that chat on the spur of the moment which isnt like me.

MarathonMan

I'm on day 7 now, so that's the first full week in over 2 years once today is completed. Not really got any withdrawl now if I ever had any. Got really chapped lips which is probably a coincidence and went to bed at 9pm again last night....I had a few nights of broken sleep but now it's like my body is trying to hibernate.

I'm apprehensive about going to London tomorrow but I've tried to fill my time while there and in a way I relish the idea as a first big test for my willpower, I suppose it's much easier while you're hiding out at home with your head under the covers, the real test will be going out into the real with the real people and the real temptations.

Sorry for keeping this thread going but it helps me just to say the things I'm thinking out loud.

One more thing, my parents knew i was an alcoholic before and were very happy when i quit and got fit...I don't see them that much since i started drinking again...I blamed this on pressures at work and blamed my weight gain on injuries I had stopping me from running but still having a runners appetite.

I know if they knew I was back to square one it would really upset them but I feel the need to come clean? Should I stay silent as the problem is now solved or should I tell them?

jdooner

Congrats on 7 days! Remember to want sobriety more than being drunk. You build sober muscles each time you put yourself through a tough test. London sounds like it will be your first test. Be smart. Do you have a sponsor or a plan in place if things get tough? Its good to have a plan in place if the urges strike. Be honest with your wife and use her as you safety maybe?

MarathonMan

No not got a sponsor or anything, my wife is my support and I've got my best friend to talk to if I needed a someone to just listen to me vent. I'm calmer about my trip now, got myself a bit worked up the other day but as I pass the week mark it feels more real so my resolve strengthens. I also told my wife I'll be avoiding anywhere that sells alcohol like the plague and she was ok with that. Not been to the british museum for years so not going to let my excitement for that be dampened by my worries.

feeling-good

MarathonMan

If it was me, I would come clean to your parents, but I would perhaps wait a week or so first (just to get a bit more secure in your sobriety).

I wish you the best!

jdooner

Sounds like you have a plan...oh, just as an FYI there is medicine you can get your doc to prescribe that will deter you from drinking. Sometimes this is helpful for people in the early days. Its called Antebuse. Basically it makes you deathly sick if you ingest alcohol.

Good luck ands keep us posted - take your smartphone and post here if you need some added support. Its great you wife is supportive - you are lucky!

I have a good feeling you are going to get back to running again - sober!

Dee74

Antabuse is not suitable for everyone so do check with your Dr if you want to go down the medication route MM.
I didn't use any meds myself. I figured I needed an internal motivation for this, not an external one.

As for your parents - if you were 16 and still living at home then sure, but you're an adult man with a family of your own.
It might help you to unburden yourself but I'd only tell someone if it helps them too...this might just upset you parents.

I'd let your actions on this trip and the months ahead do the talking.
Why worry them?

D

MarathonMan

Hey Dee, medication is not a route I will be going down, I'm sure it helps a lot of people so is a really good thing but I've set my stall out to do this on my own. I want to quit because it's the right thing to do. My need to succeed and turn my life around will be motivation enough. I'm hoping by feeling the bad times in all their glory it will help me to think "I don't ever want to have to do this again," and act as a future deterrent.

Jdooner - thanks for keep taking the time to talk to me, it really helps. I will be taking my smartphone so their will be a positive update at some point. As for running, a very slow fat me is re-joining my old running group today after another chat with my coach yesterday. And yes I am lucky, my wife is an awesome person...maybe I should tell her that more often

MarathonMan

And Dee maybe you're right about my parents, I think it's more to do with me off-loading my guilt than being honest. I also have this strange sense that i need to humiliate myself over the whole thing...almost like a warning to my future self to stop me relapsing again. Coming clean to them would be my ultimate embarrassment

Dee74

I'm not sure that embarrassment is the best motivating tool - I had to build my self esteem back up rather than beat it down - and it sounds like the news may really upset them?

Your call of course but I'd leave it be, at least for now MM.

D

MarathonMan

I really struggled tonight.....my mrs wanted to stay out for a couple of drinks after we watched our film.....being in a pub environment and seeing and smelling the beer so soon after stopping really messed with my head and stretched my fragile willpower.

Back in the hotel room now....feel really jumpy and anxious and not looking forward to tomorrow.....day 8 complete.

2muchpain

MM, you are doing a great job. You really put yourself out there with your posts. I can respect that. That took a lot of courage. Does your wife know how hard it was for you to be in that pub? Another reason to go to an AA meeting. The people there understand what you are feeling. Non alcoholics don't understand how it difficult it can be to quit, even though they love you. From my experience, they just figure you can just quit. People at AA meetings know that isn't true.

MarathonMan

2muchpain - thanks for reply 2much, my wife doesnt understand how hard it is but that is more down to my inability to share....as the man of the relationship I find it hard to come across as vunerable and dont often share any type of feelings so when she suggested the pub for a few drinks and asked if I was ok with it I just shrugged it off and said it didnt bother me.

Im amazed at how alcohol seems to be everywhere, we went to the cinema and for a meal both of which had bars full of people, nearly every meal was accompanied with a glass of a wine. It seems alcohol is very deeply ingrained into our culture when you get a chance to look at it from the other end of the looking glass.

Went for a run round london at 6am this morning to help order my thoughts, was shocked at how much bustle there was even at that time....anyway off to the natural history museum and london dungeons now so wish me luck for day 9.