Trying to understand the mind of a recovering addict.. help!
 

Not all addicts are alike, of course, so no one can tell you what's going on with your boyfriend.

Have you considered AlAnon as a support for yourself?

He may just be an A$$hole. His personality may having nothing to do with being a recovering addict but then again it may have everything to do with it. I don't know him so it is difficult to say. I do know that small insignificant lies are common with addicts until they become bigger significant lies. His behavior may be a sign of a relapse. How long have you known him and have you known him sober and as a active user?

I don't have a good feeling about this guy as you've described. My gut feeling tells me you may want pass on this one.

Hi Linduh
If he admits to you that he has a problem & wants help, shows you he wants help by seeking a recovery group then be patient w/ him but if none of what just mentioned is happening then walk out that door & don't look back. It's not as if you're married so save yourself heaven knows how many yrs down the road. Of course IMHO

i have known him for about 6 years, dating him for almost a year.
he has been sober for almost 2 years.
He is actually doing REALLY well in the recovery aspect of things. goes to meetings, is still in the program.
hes a very good hearted person and usually always very nice.
he just has issues with how he reacts to something, i guess without thinking.
bc later on he will apologize and admit he was wrong. he even said he will go talk to a shrink that specializes with addicts, and speak to him. he amde the appointment :)

he has been in the program and sober for almost 2 years. he has made a lot of changes and it shows. he is not the same person he used to be. just has a little issue with his temper unfortunately, but he made an appt to see a shrink that specializes with addicts, to talk it out with him and try to better himself, and how he deals with people.

i will be going to an al non meeting very soon.
i have only gone to the open meetings with him before, but he said he will take me to an al non meeting.
thank you :)

Yes, It could be an idea to go to your meeting. From your first post, I imagined he was in very early recovery, but after two years, his mood should be improving to be honest (this is from the perspective of someone who drank) I wish you luck xxx

Al Anon is a good idea, 2 years is great, I mean really great.

It is really lovely that you are so supportive. His behaviour is clearly upsetting for you.

It's too hard to say. I am sort of leaning towards Leana thoughts on this, as well.

He does sound sort of passive aggressive, like he has that come closer so I can push you away thing happening.

Can you tell when someone is out of it?.

Has he been this way ever since he got sober or is this fairly new behavior?

Being a pre addict, active addict, recovering addict or relapsing addict doesn't give anyone a pass card to be a jerk.

If his behavior is bad, that's the reality, and it needs to be addressed directly by both of you. End of story.

I am a recovering addict/alcoholic in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. I also have mental illness, even that doesn't give me an excuse for bad behavior.

thank you!

maybe i may have worded it wrong. i dont think h is a jerk in any way. it is just that maybe he just doesnt know how to react to things. if i want to have a normal conversation, he thinks i want to start an argument so he will treat it like one.
other than that, he really is a great guy. i even got flowers sent to my job today from him out of nowhere!

I been in recovery a while now and how I am and how I live depends on how well I do the things I need to do on a daily basis.

Anyone in recovery has difficult periods, its called life, those who say you ought to be so and so after this amount of time just need to refocus.

Best thing you can do is look after you got to Alanon meetings

I agree. Get support for yourself. It's good he made the appt with the professional for help. He could use some anger management I think.

Yeah, he might have had many other issues in his past and could be dealing with any type of mental disorder. This might not be his recovery at all - he might have a verbal abuse problem as well. Compulsive lying, bouts of anger, etc can all be symptoms and reactions to past abuse. That was the case with me. Going to therapy and recognizing my problem made all the difference. Quitting alcohol was just the icing on the cake and final straw to my healthy life.

Trying to understand the mind of an addict is crazy-making if you ask me. I urge you to focus on yourself. As others suggested, finding help & support with other partners of alcoholics could be very beneficial for you. Good luck.

Forget that he is a recovering addict for a minute, because you are probably cutting him too much slack for this reason. Should he have carte blanche because he is in recovery? and if so, for how long precisely?

Look at him as your partner and his behaviour, full stop. Is that behaviour making you happy or miserable and is it likely to make you happy or miserable in the future?

Very snappy at times. Red flag.
Very quick to get loud when your tone is normal. Red flag.
Thinks your trying to attack him ie defensive (paranoid?). Red flag.
Small (unneccassary) lie. Red flag.
Making excuses for said lies. Red flag.

The lying is a big thing. It lacks integrity which will come back and hurt you time and time again. If there are little lies you can be sure that there is or there will be a big lie. Compulsive liars don't know where they stand on anything because they distort the truth so much. They lack authenticity and a relationship with such a person will gaurantee a loss of security. Some will tell you what they think you want to hear...

He is willing to go talk to somebody about it. Good for him. Do you want somebody with baggage and a wait and see if one day this resolves kind of feeling? Or a partner with their house already in order?

Some have said you are being very supportive but you may want to ask yourself if you are being in fact, a doormat.

Look at the situation as if it was happening to your best friend and her partner...what would you advise her to do, to best take care of herself?

By the way, cheaters often send flowers "from out of nowhere". Just a thought.

During recovery, I have been, as someone else has said "an a$$$ole". I was mean, rude and inconsiderate, basically because what I was going through was difficult. This was nothing to do with withdrawal, I was just taking things out on my loved ones because I was stressed, which is simply not on.

I'm not sure when I realised I was in the wrong, but I found better ways of dealing with my stress and stopped. I felt angry/irritable at times, but I dealt with it. If he can't grow up and deal with his problems in an adult way, then yeah, he is just not a very nice bloke.