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Sad and confused

Old 02-06-2014, 06:30 AM
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Sad and confused

Hi all, I have been sober since December. I was a binge drinker and started a relationship with a 20 years sober recovering alcoholic that fell off the wagon for a few months a couple of years ago (before me) and has been sober ever since.. I have a hard time from time to time when I am around alcohol, but my main concern was this loving man that I started a relationship with often seems extremely tuned out and I am walking on eggshells all the time. If I state that I am feeling down, he starts raving that he can't fix everything, and he can never do anything right. WHY IS HE SO SENSITIVE? I don't WANT him to fix me. I never said he did something wrong. I just say that I feel sad because he seems so far away. He is always professing his love to me in thoughtful ways, but he seems to view any dissatisfaction from me as a failure on his part. He was wonderful in the beginning, but now he seems to snap at me continuously. If I say, maybe I should go and join a group or go and find some friends, he seems threatened. Maybe some of you can shed some light. I wasn't an every day drinker, and i am so happy that I stopped, but this sadness is crippling. Does any of this sound familiar? I am dazed and confused.
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:35 AM
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Welcome to SR!

Originally Posted by Marie87 View Post
my main concern was this loving man that I started a relationship with often seems extremely tuned out and I am walking on eggshells all the time. If I state that I am feeling down, he starts raving that he can't fix everything, and he can never do anything right. WHY IS HE SO SENSITIVE? I don't WANT him to fix me. I never said he did something wrong. I just say that I feel sad because he seems so far away. He is always professing his love to me in thoughtful ways, but he seems to view any dissatisfaction from me as a failure on his part. He was wonderful in the beginning, but now he seems to snap at me continuously.

Does any of this sound familiar?
Yes. I call it marriage.

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Old 02-06-2014, 06:57 AM
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It may come down to just the basic differences between man and woman. You want empathy for your problem...men want to fix it.

Next time you are feeling down, tell him how you are feeling, and tell him what he CAN do to make you feel better--give you a hug, make you some hot chocolate, whatever--But tell him. Don't expect him to guess what you need and then resent him when he doesn't provide it.

As for his anger and frustration, it should get better when he's provided guidance on how he can help you. Trust me, his frustration is as much directed to himself as it is to you.

Good luck.

P.S.
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
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Old 02-06-2014, 07:16 AM
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lol!! Nonsensical's answer was spot on!!! lol.

Kidding aside - check out a book called "The Five Love Languages".... I think that's the title.

I've been married twice and currently in a relationship for a year.... in those experiences, I've learned a lot through trial and error... lots of error....

One of the biggest challenges always seems to be finding the path to good communication and being able to understand one another's style of communication and how we are wired to see, express and accept love.

with regard to your specific comments; Men most often tend to be 'fixers' and to be predisposed to want to make things 'better' for those we love. It's one of the ways we express love.... we hear a concern, a problem, a fear, an anger, anything really - and we tend to be moved to take care of it. We can hear it as a request, even when it's not. We can become really overwhelmed and frustrated by complaints or expressions of emotions or issues that we percieve to be constantly there and we're unable to 'fix' them.

Why is this? Because, whether we are conscious of it or not - if our partner seems to be consistently unhappy or afraid or out of balance or whatever - the message that we can wind up telling ourselves is "YOU are a failure as a partner".

Often, women are dumbfounded by this perception. They express how much they appreciate their man and his efforts but deep confusion over their frustration and their sense of not being "able to do anything right" or their apparent anger for what the women see as 'no reason'.

I don't mean to put this on you - but since you are expressing awareness of it, progress may be most effective from your end at first. Perhaps trying to be really conscious of the balance of your daily sharing and interaction. Is the time you spend with him punctuated with what may seem to him to be 'nonstop' complaints? They don't even have to be about or toward him.... but if he has two hours with you and much of that time is spent with you expressing things that have frustrated or concerned you.... it may be filtered into his own self image as "geeze.... my partner is really frustrated and I am a failure becuase there's nothing I can do... this is pointless.... I do things for her but it's not working.... when will this ever end... is there nothing I can do to get better?"

Also - pay attention to how HE expresses love. Is it through gifts? Is it actions like fixing things around the house, building things, yardwork, taking you out? Often we as men try to express our love in ways that women are just not seeing - because their love language wires them to see "love" as "spending time listening to me...." for example.

An interesting experiment might be to find another outlet for a month or two, for your general 'venting'? Try to support your need to just talk about things and let them out with a good friend or therapist - and only bring to your guy those concerns and frustrations that really directly concern HIM or that he actually can do something to help with. And when you bring those - do it in a considered way, when you both have time and space to talk and listen.

I know that from my own experience - I have a VERY hard time feeling connected and supportive with a woman I'm in relationship with when she spends a lot of time 'venting' out the frustrations of the day about lots of things I can't control. It feels futile to me and engenders a sense of 'failure' and also consumes time we could be spending in more connected, deep, important ways.

Ok... sorry for this ramble.... please take it only as some observations and thoughts from my own experience. Some or none of it may apply to you. I hope you find ways to grow through with your guy to the place you'd both like to be. One thing is for certain; solid intimate relationships take work and patience. Sometimes, they just groove right along and they're in the zone.... but most of the time I think there is an undercurrent of work and patience needed to get there.

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Old 02-06-2014, 07:26 AM
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^ Spot on!
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Old 02-06-2014, 07:36 AM
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i'd be much concerned about what you describe as raving and continuous snapping at you and you walking on eggshells.
when you're at a point where you're afraid to speak and being "careful" around someone, there are trust issues.

there are a few people i walk on eggshells around, and that is because i don't feel safe with them.
in an intimate relationship, the lack of a feeling of safety (which it sounds like he also experiences) is a major biggie.
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Old 02-06-2014, 10:00 AM
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Personally I would ask for a little bit more from a relationship. If I had somebody continuously snapping at me I would think that it was someone who lacked respect for me, who lacked self-control and who had a bad attitude. All indicators of future behaviour that would only make me miserable.

That's not how a mature adult communicates. It's how an angry little child or a disgruntled dog expresses themselves. I wouldn't be going off buying books and trying to figure this person out...I would walk, before I got too far sucked in and too emotionally attached. Life's too short.

...However, that said, I would wonder why you feel the need to tell him that you are feeling down? Is he your counselor or your boyfriend? Are you leaning on each other in recovery? Are you leaning on him? Are you looking to enhance each other's lives or drag each other down? If he asked you when you are feeling down "and is there anything I can do for you?" would there be anything he could do? Probably not, but you could exercise several options...go for a walk for one. Then eat a banana. Listen to Dj Tiesto's "Traffic" (extended version). Do something for someone else.

It's like people that go around telling others that they are tired. What do they think that is going to achieve. It's an exercise in futility. It's complaining instead of doing something about it.

Sometimes you need to work on your own self esteem and confidence before you can contribute to a healthy, loving and secure relationship. But some people choose second best and an unhappy life instead.
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:12 PM
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Yes, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "People treat you the way you ALLOW yourself to be treated." Building my own self esteem and serenity could set a tone in the house that others may want to try. You can't completely love someone else unless you first love yourself. Thanks, everyone! I know I have a ways to go, but I believe I'm worth it/
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:51 PM
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Welcome to the family. I hope you can come to a resolution between the two of you. Would counseling help? If not for both of you, maybe for you. You shouldn't have to walk on eggs around him if you are in a love relationship. There needs to be some understanding.
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Old 02-06-2014, 09:59 PM
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Just my quick two cents. Reading your post I heard abuse all over it. Especially in the beginning you ought not to feel as though you're walking on eggshells, nor that it isn't okay for you to seek outside friendships.

You don't sound to be particularly needy to me, only human.

No need to be so sad in a relationship. Consider that there are happy alternatives.

Hang in there...
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Old 02-07-2014, 12:36 AM
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Good morning,

Well I guess another perspective is mine, lol... Well certainly relationships are always tough even when they are going great, I suppose it's kinda like my alcoholism, if I am flying high on recovery that's awesome but I also need to be aware of what may come, an argument, a person feeling threatened for one reason or another, or something else in my life that may cause me to act out differently which may seem different then the way things are going to the other half.

With me being in recovery and my wife not drinking and being in al-anon we both are working the 12 steps daily, which I feel makes communication much better and the way we treat, or act towards one another better.

For me, I try to act towards my wife and others they way I would like and deserve to be treated by her and others as well...If I feel I need an extra meeting then that's what I need and she needs to respect my thoughts on that and visa versa.

So just one more angle,
Have a super Friday,

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Old 02-07-2014, 05:03 AM
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I am so grateful for all of your answers. Thank you. I must say, however, that I am not a complainer. Never was. I state an occasional feeling, but being a teacher, I know that complaining and blaming are the two roadblocks that will kill any kind of progress that we are trying to attain. Sure, I get frustrated, but to my partner, my children, and my students, I accentuate positivity. I see that complaining gets me nowhere and only fosters negativity. I see my partner struggling and get frustrated sometimes. Maybe al-anon would help there, but I don't know. I am somewhat of a fixer as well, and two fixers in a household are enough to bring a house down. Support is great; trying to fix everything is just a big setup for failure. I guess self awareness and self care is a good place to work on myself. Thanks so much again.
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Old 02-07-2014, 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Marie87 View Post
I guess self awareness and self care is a good place to work on myself. Thanks so much again.

That's almost ALWAYS the best place to focus.... we really cannot change anyone but ourselves. If we take the time and focus to really care for and know ourselves, change the things we need to, honor our truth and communicate it in clear and caring ways to those we love; that is the best we can do. If we cannot align with another in relationship when we do those things... then chances are that person is not ready, willing or able to meet us in a relationship that will serve us or them.
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