Deeliza

I finally spoke the words out loud to my partner about a month ago. I said it out loud. I am an alcoholic.

I was EXTREMELY drunk at the time, which in itself is funny- because I am usually some level of 'drunk' at any given point in the day except for in the mornings... the drinking starts when the shakes start. Most days I don't even want to drink. But the violent shaking and sickness, the headaches and the mild hallucinations make it very easy to have another drink. Those first few drinks get me back to feeling normal. It's not very often that I get blitheringly drunk. In fact, most people don't know at any given time that I've had anything to drink.

My partner and I have been heavy drinkers for years. I've dug myself a whole so deep in the past year. When I was working, it was better... And when I became pregnant with my 3rd child I had no problem quitting the moment I found out. But once I quit nursing my baby, if the money was there, so was the booze. Staying at home makes it really easy to drink all day. You all know all the reasons why I drink. Anxiety, self medicating, to relax, etc. I've also been struggling with bulimia for 18 years. I turned 30 last October and I feel like I have pissed more than half my life away to these diseases. No, no. I am not struggling with them. That's a lie. I have just hopped on this hideous disease bus and let them drive my life. I have no idea how to stop. So I guess that's what brought me here. I've looked into AA a number of times over the years... it just doesn't feel like my cup of tea.

So what is a girl to do? I've isolated myself so much with my diseases and yet I am such a big part of the community... how the Frick do people not know?? I guess I have gone to great lengths to hide it for so long I don't even think about it anymore. But I sure felt relief when I told my SO that I was hiding how much I really drank.. and he still loved me. Which is amazing to me because I don't feel much warmth towards my ownself. I am disappointed. I am disgusted.

Can anybody relate? And what steps did you take from this point?
And nice to meet you all

Tang

Hello and welcome. A lot of people look the other way or if they do notice don't feel it's their place to comment on your drunkenness. Best wishes in your sober journey.

whiskeyman

Oh i can relate alot.

Dont think that people dont know, they know.

Check into rehab and get some help, before its too late.

If AA isnt your cup of tea, what is. Something easy??
I tried all the easy stuff and that didnt work.
A number of times warming a seat at AA isnt going to get you sober.

heath480

Welcome to SR.

Perhaps you didn't get on in AA because you weren't ready to give up the booze?

You could try again.There are also other recovery methods used successfully on these forums.SMART,AVRT,celebrate recovery etc. Worth looking into.

least

It is possible to quit drinking. I did it with the help of my counselor and this site. There's lots of support here.

ErikT

so you want sobriety but have already ruled out AA? What else have you ruled out? Do you just want devine intervention to come down and suddenly you're sober? If you really want sobriety now....maybe a meeting may actually BE your cup of tea. Maybe it wasn't before because you weren't done drinking yet. You have to work the steps....not just drop by a meeting, take up a chair, and declare that it didn't work...and then go home and drink.

sugarbear1

when you've tried everything else and life is real dark, AA will be there for you

women for sobriety, life ring, rational recovery, avrt, smart, rehab, counseling, psychologist or psychiatrist, something will help you!

Deeliza

I know that those closest to me know I have a drinking problem- I don't try to hide it from them. If anybody outside of that suspected, I would have had to deal with the consequences of it long ago. That is why I know. But even my partner most of the times doesn't know that I am drunk- because we are really open about that we drink too much and ask the other if we suspect they are drunk and never lie We have a good relationship that way. Only he doesn't drink anywhere near the amount that I do, his job keeps him sober and he does just fine and drinks when at home on his breaks from the road.

No, I'm not looking for an easy option. I'm looking for alternatives to AA. I don't want to be a seat warmer It's possible I could change my mind. I have thought about and even been recommended for inpatient rehab. So here's a catch-22, who's going to take care of my kids if I go inpatient? My partner is on the road and I don't have family here to help out. The town nearby has an addictions counsellor who I have talked to before. I should give her a call today and renew our relationship.

And no. I am not ready to give up drinking. But I want to quit drinking. I know I have a problem and I need to change it. But I don't know how to stop drinking. Don't know if I want to. But I want to. Welcome to my never ending circle. Where I'm sure you have all been before.
Thanks for the welcome and the kind words.

Deeliza

I haven't ruled out AA... I haven't even been! I have researched local chapters, the steps and the philosophies... and yes maybe I DO need to go to a meeting, it's the getting out there, being around people that is hard. I am NOT knocking to program or the process. Yes I know that recovery is an uncomfortable process, I'm not naive. I need to get to that point first where I'm ready to embrace ALL of it, and I'm not quite there yet. I am trying.

ErikT

Do you want to wait until you have liver disease? Kidney disease? Diabetes? What does drinking do for you that's so great that makes you say you are not ready to quit? And you really cant "look into" AA without actually going to a meeting. Do you want your kids growing up with an actively using alcoholic mother? Have you even looked into rehabs that have day care facilities? They exist.

FreeOwl

you're pretty obviously convinced that alcohol isn't your cup of tea....

why don't you go ahead and at least give AA a running chance.

"not my cup of tea" sounds a lot like "I'm not ready to DO anything about this beyond recognize my despair".

There is nothing to lose in giving it a shot. And your life to gain.

If you're not willing to do that - perhaps you'd be at least willing to read the book and learn some things....

Big Book On Line - Table of Contents - Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

in any case - welcome. I hope you soon find what works for you. You don't have to stay caught in this awful cycle.

HenryKrinkle

It's great that you are really looking into it and exploring the philosophy of the program and the methods before doing it. That is a critical step that many newcomers to sobriety fail to undertake. There is no one program that is a good fit for everyone or will work for everyone and it is important to find the program that will work the best for you.

I'm using Rational Recovery/AVRT and it has helped me immensely. I did a lot of research on the various options before choosing RR.

tootsl1

Deeliza, I was in similar shoes almost a year ago. I had lied to myself for a long time, then lied to my husband over the extent of my drinking. Finally I got so sick of the person I saw reflected in the morning mirror, the person who couldn't keep a promise to herself for even one day, a person who seemed happier to have her life go down the pan than consider a future without alcohol. A person who preferred to sit alone and drink rather than live.
I came here. Personally I couldn't consider AA at that time. I tested the words out loud to myself a few times, but didn't feel I could say it to another. After reading and posting here a few days I realised I would never get straight without help. Biggest step was owning my alcoholism to my husband, I had no ideal, literally if he would still want me, but realised whatever happened I needed to stop. I told him and he cried and held me. I spoke to my doctor who got me some counselling. And I dug in here. I took part in the new Class of March 2013, I found threads of interest, I read and posted on the newcomers threads. I realised there wasn't anything happening to me that hadn't happened before. I was neither freak or unique. I found I could offer wisdom which actually helped others.
I still have never gone to AA, I have nothing against it, a lot of my friends here rely on it, but what matters most is ad easier to stop drinking, a desire to change your life, and some real support. I am a different person to the woman I was 11 months ago. I can look myself in the eye in my morning mirror. I have a sense of self worth I had forgotten. I have my life back. I wish all this for you.

ChloeRose63

So proud of you. I too hate the person I see in the mirror. Time to make a change. I can't imagine what I've been doing to my ego. I think I was numbing myself so I wouldn't notice.

Deeliza

Thank you. I truly meant nothing bad towards the program or anyone in it. I need to separate my spirituality from my beginnings of dealing with this because I am totally confused about that aspect of my life. It doesn't feel like the right fit for me RIGHT now... doesn't mean I won't get to that point down the road. I have a very open mind, more so than some people seem to have here so far. :/ It took a lot to post and reading things like I expect divine intervention to come down and fix me?? Come on. This is a really good example of why I have anxiety of opening up or even being present in a group atmosphere. I had a **** morning because of some of these replies, and yet I know it's coming from a good place and yeah, getting the opinion other hurts sometimes. But people may think to temper their words with more kindness in the future if they are truly wanting to help.

So far I am really grateful for the suggestions! I have been reading up on AVRT and I am excited about it! Going to continue to look into everything including AA. I've already committed to my partner that I want to make change... we have a lot of things to work on in our lives.

Just a few more things... I have been trying to get active help for my eating disorder for 10 years, and for alcohol, off and on for the last 5 years. I live in a low population, farm province, on an acreage. Getting access to help either for alcohol or my eating disorder is a hell of a lot harder here than other areas that are much richer in resources. It's not an excuse- it just is what it is. So I reached out here. No, they do not have rehab with daycares anywhere near me. I am reading and researching constantly. This was a really, really big step for me to come out and post on here. I appreciate those who have been kind and understanding. Thank you.

KateL

Welocme Deeliza xxx

TigerLili

[QUOTE=Deeliza;4451990Yes I know that recovery is an uncomfortable process, I'm not naive. I need to get to that point first where I'm ready to embrace ALL of it, and I'm not quite there yet. I am trying.[/QUOTE]

Recovery is a journey. You don't have to embrace ALL of it before you start. You just have to take a small step, like calling the addictions counsellor.

I wasn't ready to give up drinking but I knew I had to. I didn't want to go to AA (still don't) but I know that for me it's the only thing I've tried that has actually helped me stay sober and feel ok about it.

If I had waited to be inspired or motivated to quit, I'd still be drinking and miserable. I had to take action regardless.