JustMe79

I have dated an alcoholic for three months now who was working on quitting. I told him I couldn't stay with him if he drank, my dad was an alcoholic. He ended up drinking shots during that time. And admitted to it. I broke it off 8 days ago and now today he wants another chance. Says he will try harder. :/ He is so sweet and treats me great, honest as ever. He can't lie.

I think he has withdrawls from it. How can he successfully quit? He has a full time job but drinks most nights, he has cut down a lot tho. Used to drink vodka all the time. He's been drinking since age 14 and he's 28 now... He drinks to deal with stress etc. IDK help?

least

Have you set any boundaries for him? If you won't tolerate drinking you have to let him know that. And what will you do if he continues to drink anyway? There has to be consequences for that.

We have a friends and family forum specially for friends and family of alcoholics. Give it a look.

Threshold

I am speaking form experience. My BF and I now live together, he is a recovering alcoholic. I left him 18 months ago because he was an active alcoholic. I did not return until he got sober.

I wanted to believe that he was going to get and stay sober when he was still drinking, that having my love and support (and example, I had gotten sober and was in recovery) would help, etc etc. It didn't. He hadn't reached his bottom, a year of back and forth while he was still drinking made it clear that his relationship with booze had been there before me and was more important than our relationship, and it was like dating a married man...promises that he'd leave his "wife" for me...but as long as I was there...he had the best of both worlds.

I tried the "I won't see you when you are drinking"...I rarely ever saw him. It got to the point of me throwing rocks at his window and banging on his door after him being gone for 5 days...just to make sure he was still alive.

It boiled down to this. Did I or did I not want alcoholism in my life.

I didn't. We were not living together at that point. I moved across the country. I got on with my life. Because it made no sense to throw two lives away to alcohol...his and me hanging on after him...my own life on hold.

I realized this. I was asking him to give up alcohol, yet I was staying in a toxic relationship myself, unwilling to walk away. I needed to be willing to leave, even though it hurt, and move forward. Just as he did. I needed to break up with him, and he needed to break up with alcohol.

Until an alcoholic breaks it off with booze and truly moves on, they have no space in their life for another real relationship.

ClearMind

Cutting down won't work, as I am sure you will hear countless people on these forums tell you (from their own experiences). If he is willing to quit altogether, and is willing to do whatever it takes to do so, then would you be willing to give him another chance? Recovering alcoholics have been through hell and back, most times. They tend to have strong character and resilience (that is, if they can stay quit).

ErikT

Once a person crosses the line into alcoholism....there is no such thing as "cutting down" or moderation. He may "cut down" for a week or a month...but he will always go back to the way it was but most times...it will get worse. He has to get sober. But not for your relationship. He has to do it for HIMSELF. Until that happens,...he cant balance it AND a relationship. You need to think of yourself. IF he does get sober...and puts some sober time under his belt...then a relationship with him may be in the cards. But,...not right now. Im sorry.....

doggonecarl

You've been dating 3 months. Spare yourself the grief and end it. He's going to need to focus on his recovery anyways...that's if he's even serious about quitting. Addicts will say anything, but doing is another matter.

Aellyce

I was mutually madly "in love" with another alcoholic (drinking is what I am currently trying to quit stably) for many years. He also has other addictions that I did not have. I say "in love" using quotation marks because I think it wasn't truly that, it was a very serious 2-way addiction. Nothing really healthy about the relationship. It was very deep in many ways. Took us years to quit and I still would not want to go near him because that would very likely end up in relapse. Quite destructive mostly, but for me in the end also very constructive regarding the "escape route" I found out of it...

Was it worth it? Years of madness, that could potentially be spent in a simpler, more positive, productive way? For me, and I repeat FOR ME, now, I think it was worth it, because it led me to some very valuable, healthy, productive avenues in current life. I turned it into that, but alone. I would not recommend a similar story to most other people. Guess it's down to the individual also what they can endure and how they deal with it / resolve it in the end.

Please beware that one can be addicted to another person / relationship also, not only substances. And I think someone who has had one addiction will often attract another... so he may not stay with you exclusively...

I agree with others suggesting if you decide to give him a change, that's OK, but draw some boundaries and be skeptical for a while.

FreeOwl

does he want to quit?

is he actively working a program of sobriety?

what steps are each of you taking to support that sobriety?

I'd say no amount of 'promises' would be acceptable if it were me.... I'd want to see real action and real desire.

A relapse is one thing.... but a lack of willingness or real desire or action? Nope. I wouldn't put myself through it.

whiskeyman

As harsh as it sounds this is my answer as well. and I am in recovery.
Unless he takes a step towards....


I am ever so grateful that my partner stayed with me, but looking back i wouldnt have blamed them for leaving. I was horrible

sbelisle

Justme - There is a lot of good advice above, but beware your own part in his use. Co-dependency helps addicts stay in addiction.

Your best intentions to stay with him because he treats you well and you think you can help him may be clouded by your own emotional needs.

Setting boundaries AND having a plan for his sobriety are extremely important. You can either be a light in helping him find recovery, or aid him in his addiction. If you make everything OK for him by taking him back too easily he may get comfortable for the time being and never seek help.

You might consider educating your self on the best approach in being with an addict. Al-anon might hold some resources to help you.