Jimcarrey92

Hey guys, I'm still trying to kick this alcohol problem, it's as if I'm convinced I can have a few beers every once in a while to take the edge off my painful feelings about when my dad started to get sick and how he can no longer be apart of my life. I was doing okay until my 21rst birthday, that passed this October 25th, I was able to remember the good times I had with him, but something about my birthday reawakened my grief, I started pining for him again and being so depressed that I couldn't laugh or want to hang out with anybody I got mad if someone wanted to talk to me because I just wanted to be by myself and cry. Lately I've been more myself I've been able to joke around without too much effort and I'm interacting with people almost as well as I used to when my dad was alive. This is not some ego trip that I'm on, I'm just trying to illustrate for you guys, since you don't know me personally, the negative changes in me since he passed, I was always the guy that kept things light, made people laugh and was someone that people like to be around, and to know that I've been able to do that again lately on some level I'm grateful for that. But it's still a struggle for me to be positive because I get these triggers in my mind such as when I was 18 and I saw him coughing up blood and he didn't know I saw him because he was very secretive about his cancer, I saw him showing the cup of blood to my grandmother and he looked helpless and scared and I was scared and confused and I wish I could have done something to help him. It was so sudden because he died only 2 and a half months after I found out and it's very challenging to live my life at times with these painful memories in my head. He was such a good father and a good man, he was always taking me to parks as a kid and supported my acting career by showing up to all of my performances in my theater group. He also told everybody he knew to come see me preform and that I was good. And he would always do this funny thing where he would blast Frank Sinatra music in the midtown tunnel with the windows open just so every other car could hear it, and of course we would watch American Idol together back when Simon was still there and he would try to predict the whole show and almost act like a judge and we would laugh about who sucked and how far off his predictions were, he was a very good person, everybody that knew my dad loved him and I'm still broken up about this and I didn't enjoy watching him suffer, I'm serious about stopping and In fact I'm gonna get a liver scan next month and a physical because it's been almost 4 years of binge drinking now and I have a lot to live for and I don't want to throw my future away but it's hard and I just hate it when I feel like being alone because everywhere I go I make friends and people enjoy seeing me, I guess I'll use that as more of a motivation to stop.

HeadLump

I don't really know what to say other than that I'm so very sorry for your loss and at such a young age too You'll find lots of support and wisdom on this site to help you quit drinking. You certainly do have a lot to live for and you can start right now

least

You've come to a very friendly and supportive site.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Jim but I know you'll find support here.
Have you thought of grief counselling at all?

D

Jimcarrey92

Thank you guys for the replies and yes I'm currently going to grief counseling but there are still days where it hurts and makes me want to shutdown and of course make me want to drink but I'm obviously looking to stop that

sobercatholic

I was going to suggest grief counseling, then I saw that you posted you are doing it. I know that it helped me a lot after my Mom passed away in 2005.

It's a tough road to trudge, coping with the loss of someone you loved deeply. All I can say is, and I learned this from counseling, "It does get better." It may take a long while, but eventually you'll come to terms with the "new normal."

We're here for you...

Jimcarrey92

I'll probably do a post everytime I make it to a week so that I can track my progress

Straightshoot

I lost my only Brother in 1994, my Mother in 2002, my Father in 2005. I have my Husband thank the higher power. I am sorry for your loss. It has gotten easier for me, but it takes time to heal. Please don't throw away your future. IMO our loved ones who have left us wouldn't want that.

LadyBlue0527

Hi Jimcarrey92

I'm sorry for you loss, especially with you being so young and having to go through this.

I'm a daddy's girl, doesn't matter that on March 15th my father has been gone for 13 years now, I will always be a daddy's girl. There have been times since I've been sober that I've thought of him and missed him so badly that I wanted a drink. In my mind though I could see him smiling at me and saying "Now what the hell would you want to go and do that for?"

The best way of honoring the memory of someone you loved dearly and were as close to as you were to your dad is by honoring his wishes. What do you think his wish would be for you?

Hevyn

Welcome Jim - I'm so glad you decided to join. We're here to listen and help - you're never alone.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Jim.

I posted a while back about the loss of my dad a few years back, when I was younger I expected him to grow old, see his grandkids and be that grandfather with the slippers and pipe.

But it didn't pan out that way, he died in his early 60's, I know that alone feeling, no relative or friend can relate to the break in that father/son relationship as they weren't apart of it, they do their best but they don't realise how important a father's relationship with a son can be, and the lose of that is, sometimes I find myself thinking about the good times, but in the end all that is left is memories, that consume us, sometimes to the point of of a few tears now and again.

I made peace with my dad this year, I quit drinking and vowed I wasn't going to die in the same way, I even visited his grave on his anniversary and reaffirmed my commitment.

I think the lose of a dad for a son will always affect us as we live our lives, but that is completely different from it controlling us, I drank because I wanted to forget, numb all those feelings, to make them go away, I was being controlled by alcohol.

The day I said no more, I regained my life and took control of how I want MY story to end!!

tootsl1

Jim your dad sounds like he was a great guy. So supportive of you, and able to have fun with you. It must have been terrifying for you to see him looking so scared, you probably hadn't considered he could be scared of anything until that moment. You will have days when you miss him so much it hurts like it just happened, and you will have says that seem almost normal. Grieving is a process that we all go through, drinking messes with your true feelings. Your dad would be so proud to read what you have written, how grown up you are being, facing your issues head on. Stick around sweetheart, there are plenty here who will give you support, and, if needed, the odd cyber hug on a bad day.
Be storms, but don't fear the tears, they are a part of letting go. X

Jimcarrey92

7 days! Things are easier now and I'm rolling with the painful feelings and still moving on with them as best as I can and I'm actually feeling more like myself lately, able to have a sense of humor and look forward to things, doesn't mean there won't be any hard days but at lest I can look back at this post and see how far I've come, a week from now I want to post 14, and so on, I'm on the upscale right now guys

Dee74

congratulations on your week Jim

D

HeadLump

Yes, congratulations, Jim! Looking forward to your 14-day post

Shoebox62

Keep it going, Jim. I can't imagine what you're going through, but it will come to us all at some point. Death is such a big part of life. Please stay sober and think of how proud your father would have been of you. Keep coming around. We'll look for your 2nd week post!
Stay strong.

PaulinaPolitely

I'm on the same number of days as you. Think about joining the February Month Club, not sure of the name. Also there's a daily sign up, which I can't find at the moment, and weekend commitment one, which help solidify the goal, in my mind...

Keep strong! I lost my dad when he was just over sixty. He didn't suffer, and thankfully your dad didn't suffer for too long.

My peace is knowing I will see him again, soon.

Jimcarrey92

Oh man, the challenge to my sobriety seems to be that there are times in my life, especially since my 21rst birthday where the loss becomes EXTREMELY noticeable, other members in my family such as my mom and my grandmother don't seem to be as enthusiastic about my acting career which in turn reminds me of the person who always WAS there for me and who supported me, they probably care but they have a sucky way of showing it and I'm feeling down today because I had some great news about my acting today but nobody wanted to hear it, they talked over me with their own issues, my father would have been delighted to hear it so I'm very depressed and I'm drowning my sorrows on cups of coffee and the world can just go to hell today I'm mad and isolation is my friend today, I'm still sober but it's a very emotionally disturbing day for me

Dee74

Congratulations on your acting job Jim

I made my friends my family - they love me and they support me - but most of all they understand me

D

Jimcarrey92

14 days!