Willowgrace326

Well...here I am again....Day 1...fought my AV all day yesterday, but she won. I forgot what a nasty, determined b**** she was. I cried and cursed the bottle as I put it to my lips. I knew how awful I would feel today, but I did it anyway. I despise being this way. Trying very hard not to wallow in self pity, but it is very hard to understand why I am the lucky one who got stuck with this addiction. Why can't I just be normal? But I'm dusting myself off and starting over...going to a meeting tonight. I actually went in and talked to someone at work that I trust who is very open about their sobriety. They invited me to a meeting and I am going. Thankful for that accountability. Starting over sucks, but here goes...Thanks for listening...

least

Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again.

Called

Good. I too struggle with frequent relapse. Ultimately only you can hold yourself accountable for your behavior so I'm glad you are here being honest about it - believe it or not that is incredibly important and mature.

Nonsensical

You forgot relentless.

You can't argue with it. You can't reason with it. You can't bargain with it. You can't educate it. You can't plead with it.

You can only starve it.

doggonecarl

That's your AV too. And as long as you feel sorry about being an alcoholic you will be filled with resentment about it...and drink.

Accept who you are. Accept that you can't drink. Ever. When the obsession to drink is lifted, you won't resent being an alcoholic, you won't resent not being able to drink. You will live, sober and content.

Sacamedeaqui

You are normal. It's alcohol that is abnormal. It's a powerful poison that distorts our perception of reality and screws with our bodily functions. Where are these so called normal drinkers that people go on about? If they exist they are few and far between. Alcohol wrecks everybody in it's path to some degree. Go visit the courts (sometimes better than the cinema and free!) and it amazes how many court cases are drink related. Visit casualty from Thursday through Sunday. Walk through most city centres while your sober at the weekend....

Have you ever been on a night out while you are completely sober and almost everyone else is drinking? Alcohol changes everyone to some degree and not to an interesting or entertaining level.

I repeat, you are normal, but every fibre of your being is trying to tell you that that stuff you want to put into you is abnormal.

FreeOwl

cried as you put the bottle to your lips....

damn.

That has to be terrible.

If you've not given AA a shot... please try it.

FreeFall

You might also do more reading about AVRT, urge surfing, and following cravings through "to the end". I found all of them very helpful.

Don't let yourself off the hook as you're raising that glass-think about the true reality-how you'll feel tomorrow, the possible worst case scenarios, the toll it's taking on your health. It's easy to tell yourself "I'm weak, I can't do this, I'll deal with it tomorrow when I feel stronger" but that just contributes to the AV's line of bs.

whiskeyman

dogonecarl, that sounds so east now doesnt it.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, admit that I cant drink.

Why is it that if someone asked me to drink this bleach everyday i would say no no thatll kill me, but this is so hard.

Now free fromt he obsession i can help others to get there. Just dont drink, EVER. Easy.

KateL

Just start over, sweetie xxx

Dee74

Welcome back Willowgrace

Next time the AV bites, remember you have several thousand reinforcements here. SR saved my butt on more than one night.

If you don't want to drink - log in here. We can help

D

LadyinBC

Sometimes the question to ask is "why not us". Overcoming this takes a strength and determination that we have deep inside us. It is just finding it and holding on to it. It has taught me what is really important in life and for me it is peace and contentment. Lots of "normal" people never really find this. They go along in life being like everyone else. Struggling to keep up with everyone else. We have to deal with our crap and the other people never really deal with it or go thru life in a fog.

I can go at my own pace and I know that I don't have to be like everyone else. So maybe we really are the normal ones.

Also don't look at it as starting over, you are resetting .

Hevyn

You got back on track willow - that's what matters most. Sometimes we need further proof that there's nothing in it for us anymore - only pain and regret. Glad you shared this with us - you'll do better next time.