snipe

Sigh...

My drinking has been getting rapidly worse over the last week. Now I am back to a point I hadn't been at in years: drinking all day, being unable to do anything productive, unable to go more than a couple hours without a drink, and wallowing in a funk. It's to the point that I am starting to vomit on a daily basis.

I sent a message to my sponsor and I am going to call my doctor after I post this.

I've gotten sober and gone back out so many times I've lost count. In November I went to an inpatient rehab but drank within a couple weeks of getting out.

I feel like I have tried everything and nothing's worked but I am at a point where I just have to try again or I'll drink myself to death.

I just don't understand why I keep picking up after sobering up.

All I can do is try not to drink one day at a time and try to hold on to the hope provided by my sponsor and therapist, both of whom thought I was making good progress. I thought I was too - my thought processes were becoming less self-centered and more emotionally stable but then I had a stressful day and for the umpteenth time told myself I "needed" a drink and that it could be for just one night.

Not sure why I'm posting this except to "put it out there".

KateL

It is hard. We all understand. Just don't give up. I was on and off for years, but never gave up and then something just seemed to click. xxxx

ClearMind

Welcome back, snipe. I think most people here have tried to quit repeatedly, only to relapse and have to do it all over again (myself very much included). The important thing to remember is that the past does not equal the future. You may have to approach your recovery a different way, i.e. try AA meetings, a counsellor, or even a doctor prescribed medication like Antabuse (this has helped me greatly in the past). The last thing in the world you want to do on Antabuse is drink (this is coming from the experience I had when I drank on Antabuse). I'll never do that again.

Good luck!

Dee74

Hi Snipe

I think it's very important to keep trying, and to keep trying different things - heck, sometimes even a new twist on an old approach can work.

For me I kept picking up because the fear of the unknown kept trumping my desire to get sober - I hated my life and my self when I was drunk but it was familiar.

I needed to face my fear and trust that whatever sobriety held for me, it would be no worse than drinking (I was right by the way)....

I had to take drinking off the table as an option.

Maybe fears holding you back too...or maybe it's something else.

If you can work out what that something is for you then you can target that area and move forward?

D

IOAA2

Hi Snipe. Hang in there. Your pain and history are a big Remember When for me and I never want to sober up again. Perhaps we need to get to a certain pain point or thing to remember to hold us up against a drink. I was full of shame the many times I went back to meetings then one day I was just plain old "sick and tired of being sick and tired and let go."
It's not easy all the time but it is great most of the time. I needed to learn that just because I stopped drinking the things around me don't change, I DO. Keep coming!

BE WELL

doggonecarl

Glad you are back and hope this time you succeed.

No one said conquering alcoholism was easy.

Only you know what your committment to sobriety is. Only you know the effort you are putting into your recovery. If it's less than 100%, work on that. We usually get out of our recovery what we put into it.

Good luck.

FreeFall

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" I think that quote applies to drinkers trying to quit. We try to moderate over and over and over again to no avail. Listen to your brain rather than the little alcoholic voice inside you. Your brain will tell you what you need to conquer this. The reality is that people do drink themselves to death, and we don't want that to happen to you!

You'll have to find a method of recovery that you respond to and can stick to, and there are so many ways to stop...I like AVRT and urge surfing-they made sense to me.

serious

i get it.
i'm the same way... i know that drinking won't help me. somehow a drink sneaks into my life. (i let it... usually because things are too hard and i don't have another outlet). my AV tricks me (and i let it).

time to take another stand the war is not over.

FreeOwl

you're still here... you're still trying.... each fall is another learning if you really dig in and use it as such.

What happened this time? Why did you pick up again, do you think?

What patterns of habit do you keep playing out?

You mentioned a sponsor - what step are you working? How?

Dig in and redouble your efforts... you can do this!

snipe

Thanks for the responses. I met with my sponsor today. First I was stuck on the 3rd step and his sponsor said if you have a problem with a step, the problem is with the previous step.

While I intellectually agree with the 2nd step (Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity) I can see that I don't really trust it. What happens is I get stressed out / lonely / antsy and feel like nothing but a drink will provide "enough" guaranteed relief fast enough. Then, even though I know it won't turn out well, I say "F*** it" and drink.

The current theory is if I can have enough faith to believe that my higher power (HP) will give me "enough" relief then I can get through the craving. While I have a relationship with my HP, it's distant and my faith in its power to provide "enough" relief is weak . Another member talked about using the program and the people in it for his HP to get through the 2nd step. I'm considering that and talking to people because right now it's easier to believe that AA can restore me to sanity (defined in this context as not taking a drink) than it is to believe that my HP will. Another way of looking at is that AA (and the people in it) are much more accessible interfaces to my HP than a direct connection is at the moment.

I hope that made some sense.

least

I'm glad you're back and giving it another go. Never give up!

StevenT

It did make sense. GOD - Group of drunks, doing what I cannot do by myself. Staying sober. Glad to hear you got something out of meeting with your sponsor today