cusper

Ok I am a bit upset right now. My husband still drinks often. Sometimes he gets drunk and most time he just has a few drinks and that is it. Well tonight he gets drunk and starts bringing up relationship problems that we're having. I have been struggling with PAWS for about 6 weeks now. (i am 9 weeks in) which I have to say some days can be pretty terrifying for me. However he has no sympathy because when I was drinking I was sick all of the time then too, so he just thinks that I am a hole in the bucket as far as ailments are concerned... and i hate to say it but he is kind of right. I definitely have some great days but now I feel like is a major period of readjustment for me and he thinks I am not into him anymore. Some days I am definitely NOT into him and that is because A. I am having some crazy anxiety days and I am just struggling to get by. or B. sometimes he is just drunk and I have absolutely no intention of getting intimate with someone who is drinking. I told him that we can talk about it tomorrow when he is not drinking. He thinks that I don't like him and I keep trying to tell him I do however I am just trying to sort myself out and I am actually in a spot where I am trying to like me. I take care of everyone else in this house and I feel like I am last on the pecking order, and finally I am putting myself first a bit and he is not being very understanding.

Dee74

Recovery is a time of adjustment for everyone I think Cusper - spouses included.

It might even be harder for them cos they may often not really understand the reasons for the changes.

I hope things will find their level again soon

D

Gakx

Take pride in being smoke free and sober! Congratulations! A lot has changed in your life and as Dee said, change takes time. When you have come to know a person one way and then they change, for the better or worse, it requires that adjustment period to process those changes. Simply put, patience is a virtue to see the bigger picture. Maybe try sitting down with him and just asking how he feels about the changes and give him the opportunity to give suggestions on supporting your sobriety. It might make him feel more involved and less outcast.

Ruby2

It is ok to take care of yourself. And great that you are sober and not smoking while he still drinks. I gave up the drink but not the tobacco.

Change is scary for anyone. Your husband may see your quitting as a threat to his continued drinking so he can't be supportive. My husband continued to drink when I stopped and it was incredibly hard. He minimized the anxiety I was experiencing or accused me of faking. Ironic because when he was going through withdrawal it was SO awful and I was SO callous.

Sometimes a drinker will try to sabotage the partners efforts to stay sober. My husband used to ask me to go buy him beer when I had like three days in. Big fat no, but they are losing their drinking partner and will go to lengths to prevent that. Picking fights, minimizing, etc. subconsciously thinking that you will go back to the way you were, a drinker.

Change is hard. For everyone. I hope you start feeling better soon. I don't know that I have experienced PAWS though so can't share on that bit.

cusper

You are all right. Actually when he went to bed tonight, kind of drunk he was all, "you know there are other people in this house, and you are caught up in your own head". Thing is I knew quitting drinking would affect our dynamic but I haven't truly thought about him. I really have been extremely self involved throughout this entire process. Actually I didn't even tell him that I went to an AA meeting (the first one) the other night. I just feel like he doesn't get it. He comes from a very stable family life where my whole life it was extreme chaos. I think he thinks this whole quitting drinking is not necessary and maybe a bit inconvenient for him. Yet somehow part of me wants to say, well why don't you try quitting drinking for a month? But I can't because I have never been in the business of telling anyone what to do. I am all up for conversation and I have tried a bit but I can see his brain... just getting irritated like I am self pity incarnate. ah i dunno.

Dee74

I'm sure you'll find things will get better.

Once they got used to it, people responded positively to the changes in me, Cusper

D

least

I hope you two can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. Early recovery can be tough. Hang in there.