A battle won!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 539
A battle won!!
So I had a pretty bad time last night. It started in the afternoon. For some reason I really, really wanted to be drunk. I craved it deep, deep in my veins. I even told my husband “I think I need to walk, I am feeling really aggravated, like I wanna get drunk”. And he said “You can’t, that’s what Im doing tonight”
Didn’t know if he was being serious, but a an hour later his Mother calls and wants to come over and drink and she’ll bring the beer. Yeah !, he said.
Great.
So she came over and they proceeded to drink. I wanted to drink so so so so badly. I had wine in the crawlspace and AV was on overtime, begging, crooning, cajoling.
I got bundled up and went on a walk and I was struggling so bad and I said outloud “Lord, give me strength.”
I decided to “play the tape through the end” again, but for added oomph, I would do it outloud. (I live in a very rural area, so no one thought I was nuts) Here’s how it went.
1. Make the decision to drink, feel it’s wrong in my core, but do it anyway.
2. Tell myself I will have 3 beers. Get my kids to bed.
3. Have the 3 beers, feel AMAZING and remember the wine.
4. Go down and get the wine, with a little guilt, but its muted by a buzz.
5. Bring it up, get my trusty corkscrew and feel a rush of familiarity.
6. The smell of the wine hits my nostrils and makes me vaguely nauseous.
7. I fill a tasteful wine glass and sit down, it tastes so good.
8. By now I’m drunk-ish. My judgment is impaired and I decide to have another glass.
9. Mother in law leaves and me and hubby keep sipping, a kid wakes up and I get them a cup of water with a unsettling sense of guilt, wrongness, and inadequacy.
10. I get another glass and am surprised to discover the bottle is empty.
11. Reluctantly head to bed and collapse into unconsciousness.
12. Wake up foggy-headed and out of it to a crying child, stagger to their room already regretting drinking. Toss and turn in bed with a feeling of unease and unpleasant thoughts.
13. Fall back asleep only to wake up at 3am powerfully thirsty and having to pee.
14. Wake up to a kid in my face 3 hours later. I am head-achey, exhausted, and anxious.
15. Its then I fully realize what I did.
I had 23 days sober. I was doing so good. What have I done? Now I am hung-over, anxious, and guilty. The rest of my day will be spent just trying to get by and not snap at my unsuspecting children.
I will get back on SR and join the February class for Day 1 and tell everyone the same old story.
I failed.
After going through all these steps my conviction was back and I felt stronger than ever.
I get back from my walk and come inside with a rush of fresh air and determination! I listen to my mother in law repeat the same old stories and fall asleep to my hubby’s beer breath, BUT I sleep like a rock and woke up feeling soo good and FULL OF RELIEF. Conquered you AV. Stuck it to you, you addiction piece of crap.
Didn’t know if he was being serious, but a an hour later his Mother calls and wants to come over and drink and she’ll bring the beer. Yeah !, he said.
Great.
So she came over and they proceeded to drink. I wanted to drink so so so so badly. I had wine in the crawlspace and AV was on overtime, begging, crooning, cajoling.
I got bundled up and went on a walk and I was struggling so bad and I said outloud “Lord, give me strength.”
I decided to “play the tape through the end” again, but for added oomph, I would do it outloud. (I live in a very rural area, so no one thought I was nuts) Here’s how it went.
1. Make the decision to drink, feel it’s wrong in my core, but do it anyway.
2. Tell myself I will have 3 beers. Get my kids to bed.
3. Have the 3 beers, feel AMAZING and remember the wine.
4. Go down and get the wine, with a little guilt, but its muted by a buzz.
5. Bring it up, get my trusty corkscrew and feel a rush of familiarity.
6. The smell of the wine hits my nostrils and makes me vaguely nauseous.
7. I fill a tasteful wine glass and sit down, it tastes so good.
8. By now I’m drunk-ish. My judgment is impaired and I decide to have another glass.
9. Mother in law leaves and me and hubby keep sipping, a kid wakes up and I get them a cup of water with a unsettling sense of guilt, wrongness, and inadequacy.
10. I get another glass and am surprised to discover the bottle is empty.
11. Reluctantly head to bed and collapse into unconsciousness.
12. Wake up foggy-headed and out of it to a crying child, stagger to their room already regretting drinking. Toss and turn in bed with a feeling of unease and unpleasant thoughts.
13. Fall back asleep only to wake up at 3am powerfully thirsty and having to pee.
14. Wake up to a kid in my face 3 hours later. I am head-achey, exhausted, and anxious.
15. Its then I fully realize what I did.
I had 23 days sober. I was doing so good. What have I done? Now I am hung-over, anxious, and guilty. The rest of my day will be spent just trying to get by and not snap at my unsuspecting children.
I will get back on SR and join the February class for Day 1 and tell everyone the same old story.
I failed.
After going through all these steps my conviction was back and I felt stronger than ever.
I get back from my walk and come inside with a rush of fresh air and determination! I listen to my mother in law repeat the same old stories and fall asleep to my hubby’s beer breath, BUT I sleep like a rock and woke up feeling soo good and FULL OF RELIEF. Conquered you AV. Stuck it to you, you addiction piece of crap.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Your Sober Muscle is HUGE!
I am very impressed by your spot on thinking Arctic! What an excellent way to beat down your AV and control your cravings. Congratulations on your big WIN!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Brooklyn, ny
Posts: 734
I will do the exact same thing too, and although I live in a big city nobody cares if you talk out loud to yourself. They just figure you're nuts or on your cell phone and ignore you either way 
Thanks for the great post
Thanks for the great post
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Arctic - Thank you for a valuable post that will help many. Playing the tape through helped me so much in the early days. You rose above that huge temptation and came through beautifully. A triumph.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posts: 104
Way to go you!!!! I too am bookmarking this. I have a feeling your post will be read again and again and again by sooo many us us folks whenever we need inspiration. Thank you so much! You should be so freaking proud 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 40
Arctic....SO TRUE!!!!
I applaud your bravery and your willingness to take the steps needed....in this case, literally
Our brain and heart know what we need and what we don't. So happy for you, that you listened!
I am excited to share another day in sobriety with you....our kids need us sober!!
I applaud your bravery and your willingness to take the steps needed....in this case, literally
Our brain and heart know what we need and what we don't. So happy for you, that you listened!
I am excited to share another day in sobriety with you....our kids need us sober!!
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