My name is Auclaire...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8
My name is Auclaire...
And I am a first class enabler.
My husband is an alcoholic. Until getting laid off last April, he was a "functional" one. If you judge functionality by a person's ability to keep a job.
I've spent most of our life together excusing bad behaviour. Being embarrassed at parties. Making excuses for his sleeping until 2 or 3 in the afternoon on weekends, taking the kids to all their events that happen after school, or after 3ish on weekends, because he's already had too much to drink by that time. Resigning myself to the fact that we will never have a date that might require him not drinking for a couple hours...
After getting laid off, the after work drinking progressed to "As long as it's after noon" drinking.
After two months of not working, I told him he needed to get help, or leave. Unfortunately, I didn't give a "finish by" date...so he didn't get help.
In September, I set the date. January 31. Get help. Show me you're making an effort, or move out.
I reminded him monthly.
It's the 30th today.
I reminded him this afternoon.
He's adamant that he DOES NOT need help.
I told him I was serious.
He's upstairs packing.
I am just so. friggin'. sad he'd choose his drinking over his family.
Crap.
My husband is an alcoholic. Until getting laid off last April, he was a "functional" one. If you judge functionality by a person's ability to keep a job.
I've spent most of our life together excusing bad behaviour. Being embarrassed at parties. Making excuses for his sleeping until 2 or 3 in the afternoon on weekends, taking the kids to all their events that happen after school, or after 3ish on weekends, because he's already had too much to drink by that time. Resigning myself to the fact that we will never have a date that might require him not drinking for a couple hours...
After getting laid off, the after work drinking progressed to "As long as it's after noon" drinking.
After two months of not working, I told him he needed to get help, or leave. Unfortunately, I didn't give a "finish by" date...so he didn't get help.
In September, I set the date. January 31. Get help. Show me you're making an effort, or move out.
I reminded him monthly.
It's the 30th today.
I reminded him this afternoon.
He's adamant that he DOES NOT need help.
I told him I was serious.
He's upstairs packing.
I am just so. friggin'. sad he'd choose his drinking over his family.
Crap.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to the family. 
It is sad that they'd choose alcohol over family and kids. 
And it sounds like he's in big denial about his drinking. This may be the wake up call he needs, to be on his own and left to his own consequences.
Take care of yourself and your kids. Can you get to an AlAnon meeting for face to face support? Might be worth a shot.
Also, we have a special forum here that might interest you. I wish you the best. You deserve peace in your life.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
It is sad that they'd choose alcohol over family and kids. 
And it sounds like he's in big denial about his drinking. This may be the wake up call he needs, to be on his own and left to his own consequences.Take care of yourself and your kids. Can you get to an AlAnon meeting for face to face support? Might be worth a shot.
Also, we have a special forum here that might interest you. I wish you the best. You deserve peace in your life.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Welcome Auclaire. I'm so sorry for the painful time you're going through.
I hope it will help to be here where everyone can relate & hopefully offer suggestions. As Least pointed out - our Friends & Family Forum is very helpful. Many there will understand just how you feel.
I hope it will help to be here where everyone can relate & hopefully offer suggestions. As Least pointed out - our Friends & Family Forum is very helpful. Many there will understand just how you feel.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
The drink is the first love of an alcoholic everything comes in a distant second.
You made a decision stick to it. Check out the family and friends of alcoholics on here. You will find support. I'd encourage you to attend alanon if there are any in the area you reside.
Best of luck to you
You made a decision stick to it. Check out the family and friends of alcoholics on here. You will find support. I'd encourage you to attend alanon if there are any in the area you reside.
Best of luck to you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 297
Hey, Auclaire - I had 2 Wives Leave Me because they knew they were 2nd to My Alcoholism...I NEVER changed to try to get them back. I just got into Other Relationships-
Which Inevitably Failed as well...Partners were merely" Objects" that were in place to feed Me emotionally...Alcoholism is a very Self-Centered Disease.
Which Inevitably Failed as well...Partners were merely" Objects" that were in place to feed Me emotionally...Alcoholism is a very Self-Centered Disease.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8
Thanks folks, I appreciate it. It's the first time I've actually "told" anyone about our issues.
I'll definitely check out the friends and family area. I think it's exactly what I need.
Unfortunately all the al anon meetings within 100km of me seem to be held during the day, and I simply cannot afford to take time off of work right now. It's all I can do to keep our heads above water as it is.
that probably sounds like an excuse. Maybe it is. But right now, a day's pay makes a difference. That's why I was so grateful to find this forum.
@diffingo911: thank you for your candid reply. I think what I need most right now is a brutal dose of reality. Your comment is very eye opening, and I appreciate it.
I'll definitely check out the friends and family area. I think it's exactly what I need.
Unfortunately all the al anon meetings within 100km of me seem to be held during the day, and I simply cannot afford to take time off of work right now. It's all I can do to keep our heads above water as it is.
that probably sounds like an excuse. Maybe it is. But right now, a day's pay makes a difference. That's why I was so grateful to find this forum.
@diffingo911: thank you for your candid reply. I think what I need most right now is a brutal dose of reality. Your comment is very eye opening, and I appreciate it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I'm sorry Auclaire. It is rough and it is sad - but I'm glad you made a boundary and stuck to it - it may just help the two of you in the long run.
you'll find support and understanding here
D
you'll find support and understanding here
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 608
Sorry to hear about your situation, Auclaire. Like someone else up top mentioned, the alcohol is unfortunately usually by far the most important thing in an alcoholic's life when he is using. Maybe this is the wake-up call he needs to get the ball rolling on his recovery. There are options other than going to AA meetings (there are even online AA meetings available). Regardless, you've reached a great site with lots of support. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
My heart goes out to you and your family. I am sorry for this and know that you are are not alone in your struggles. You will find that many people have gone through the same or can relate to your situation. This may not be comforting, but we are here for you.
The future is not something that is shown to us. This may be the start of your husbands journey into sobriety. Sometimes it takes something drastic for the alcoholic to open their eyes and get on with living life. The drastic had to happen for myself, and even though it was very painful, I am better off. Sober and moving forward. Keep posting and reading. Let this forum be a strength to you. Sending you all the positivity that I have for a healthy solid outcome.
The future is not something that is shown to us. This may be the start of your husbands journey into sobriety. Sometimes it takes something drastic for the alcoholic to open their eyes and get on with living life. The drastic had to happen for myself, and even though it was very painful, I am better off. Sober and moving forward. Keep posting and reading. Let this forum be a strength to you. Sending you all the positivity that I have for a healthy solid outcome.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome.
You may want to go over to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum and read the stickies at the top. Lots of good support and info there.
This has stuck with me and I repeat it often. If you remove all the consequences out of the alcoholics life (by making ultimatiums you don't keep, not letting them experience loss and hurt), you rob them of any chance of recovery. They have to experience these feelings to want recovery. Recovery has to be for them, without consequences they will never recover.
It is good that you stuck to your word. Now work on you. Go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. Get therapy. He has to work on him. Hopefully he will see what his life turns to when he leaves. In the mean time, work on what you can do to enrich your own life.
I am sorry. Keep posting, you are not alone!
You may want to go over to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum and read the stickies at the top. Lots of good support and info there.
This has stuck with me and I repeat it often. If you remove all the consequences out of the alcoholics life (by making ultimatiums you don't keep, not letting them experience loss and hurt), you rob them of any chance of recovery. They have to experience these feelings to want recovery. Recovery has to be for them, without consequences they will never recover.
It is good that you stuck to your word. Now work on you. Go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. Get therapy. He has to work on him. Hopefully he will see what his life turns to when he leaves. In the mean time, work on what you can do to enrich your own life.
I am sorry. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
Two quotes regarding active stages of alcoholism really stick in my mind which have really given me strength to move forward:
1) "you are loving him to death"
2) if your AH was sitting at a bar with a shot glass filled with vodka in front of him and you were standing close by with a shot gun threatening to shoot him (hypothetically) if he picks that shot glass up and drinks it. The A would be thinking.....um, I wonder if I can drink that vodka before the bullet reaches me.
alcoholism is powerful. Hugs to you. Lots of people on here have been in your situation. I am so grateful for this forum!
1) "you are loving him to death"
2) if your AH was sitting at a bar with a shot glass filled with vodka in front of him and you were standing close by with a shot gun threatening to shoot him (hypothetically) if he picks that shot glass up and drinks it. The A would be thinking.....um, I wonder if I can drink that vodka before the bullet reaches me.
alcoholism is powerful. Hugs to you. Lots of people on here have been in your situation. I am so grateful for this forum!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8
Thank you so much everyone. I've been reading in the Family and Friends area as often as I can since posting my into.
Is it silly that I'm astounded that I read so many threads that echo so much of what I'm going through? Here I thought that my situation was so strange...and I find out that most of the people here could tell me almost everything that has happened, and *will* happen if I don't stick to my guns.
I have a lot to learn about the difference between compassion and enabling behavior. And denial disguised as faith.
I still hope this acts as a wake up call for DH. I love him so much...this is truly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
I am so grateful to all of you, and to this entire forum.
Is it silly that I'm astounded that I read so many threads that echo so much of what I'm going through? Here I thought that my situation was so strange...and I find out that most of the people here could tell me almost everything that has happened, and *will* happen if I don't stick to my guns.
I have a lot to learn about the difference between compassion and enabling behavior. And denial disguised as faith.
I still hope this acts as a wake up call for DH. I love him so much...this is truly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
I am so grateful to all of you, and to this entire forum.
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