The other shoe dropped
 

After 5 years of sobriety my husband started drinking again. I knew from the first drink and I should have trusted my gut instinct but after 5 years I had began to trust him. I am having a pity party for myself right now I know that but I am just so angry. after 27 years together (23 married), you'd think or at least I thought I could trust him again. And I'll be honest I didn't trust him 100% and I knew that relapse was possible but lying. That is my biggest issue. Lying, thinking that the ticks and tells of drink where not there. I asked the night he had his first drink not because I could smell it (thank you neat vodka) but I could see it in his eyes, the facial ticks the change in the colour of his skin. And I had had no cause or gut instinct to ask in over 4 years. I am a forgiving person and I am willing to support but when he lies it kills my heart. And of course he did all the usual blaming everyone else and projecting his guilt onto our family. Alcohol destroyed his first marriage and family I don't want it to destroy this one but I am so angry. I think I need to vent, I need to remind myself I am not a complete nutter, I do know my husband and I know myself. I found this site because I was searching for somewhere I could vent and there were others who understood exactly what I am going through. I have read some of the posts and realized there are others out there feeling what I feel and dealing with the disappointment. It's been about 6 weeks of drinking and almost 48 hours sober for him. I discovered a water bottle with vodka in it by accident. I want to be there for him but I am so angry. I will not enable him. I don't want to go back to our life before rehab. I want to forgive him but above all I want to trust him. Trust comes with time and action.
Just typing this vent and getting it out of my head has helped. I know the next step is to move forward. He is back at AA meetings and thank god for recovering alcoholics who will support him and tell him what is what. Thank you for reading this post and giving support. I know I need to let my anger go, I am trying. Being here, venting and reading other posts reminds me I am not alone. Others do understand.

Hi. I know the pain so I highly recommend lots of Alanon meetings for your recovery. It's a great org and there's no need to be alone through this healing process.

BE WELL

You might want to post this in the Friends and Family forum.

There are folks there that can really elate to your struggle - they're going through similar struggles.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

welcome...

a couple things arise for me;

1 - the lying. the relapse. the not being forthright about it.... it's not your husband, it's the addiction. I suppose that sounds like an excuse - but I don't mean it to be. I simply mean that if he can pull out of this and get back to a commitment of sobriety... ACTIVE sobriety.... then your husband is most likely the trustworthy man you long for him to be. He's an alcoholic... and one way or another he has wandered away from maintaining his sobriety and his spiritual wholeness through action and focused effort that his addiction was able to take over again. It's not him purposely or vindictively failing you. It's not about YOU at all - though I know how much it must hurt and scare you.

2 - I'm glad you reached out here and I hope you will take steps to get the support that you need as well. This is a tough time for you and ensuring you're not enabling is important. But so is understanding how best to care for yourself and communciate your feelings and expectations with him and shield yourself from further wounding.

3 - In my AA home group, there are a couple of guys who had similar stories... 5-6 years and suddenly, inexplicably; relapse. Worse than ever. Each of them are now more than 10 years sober again and deeply committed to maintaining it. Their falls cemented their resolve and brought about learning and growth for them. They learned what had happened and how they had gotten spiritually complacent and over time allowed the bedrock of their sobriety to be worn away to a slip. It is very likely that your husband can have that outcome from this if he is willing and motivated to.

I wish you strength, peace, calm and support as you navigate this difficult time.

:ring

Freeowl

Active sobriety, you are so right. I am still hurt. I know its the addiction and not him. And in that part of my heart that still believes in him, I honestly think this relapse will benefit him in the long run. Your 3rd point resonated with me. I have known this man since I was 17 (he is older than me) and I think we kinda grew up together. We have been through some major life events culminating with the unexpected and violent death of his son almost 10 years ago. And then the moment he admitted he was an alcoholic, asked for help and checked himself into rehab. I put some of the relapse down to timing, it's been 10 years since our life imploded. I knew he was heading off the recovery path but I also know I cannot make changes for him. He has to change himself with God. And I have to remember it wasn't me or what I did or said. I have to keep telling myself that but sometimes I just don't hear it!
One foot in front of the other one day at a time

Welcome to the family. :hug: I hope the support you find here can help you get thru this. :hug:

Life can and does often throw curveballs. Hopefully, you can both win this game together.

Make a game plan together and follow it. It takes a team to win.

Wishing you the very best together.

Hi Tilly. I am with you about the lying. For me that is the most painful part.

Wishing you the best and vent away!