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I'm an alcoholic.

Old 01-30-2014, 07:04 AM
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I'm an alcoholic.

I have been reading the stories of others for weeks, if not months, yet never posted my own story. Never admitted to what I am. That is the point of this thread.

As I sit here, I have alcohol in my system, that I have consumed to eliminate the shakes I had from the fifth that I drank yesterday. I am slated to be at work in an hour, but have called in as I am in no position to work. Not good, I know. I called in yesterday as well, and have way too many times to count over the past 6 years.

Sometimes when I awake after passing out, I feel like my heart is going to explode it is racing so fast. It slows down as the alcohol works its way out of my system, but is a scary experience nonetheless. I have suffered from panic attacks for about 4 years, so the racing heart is from this as well, which is assuredly brought about because of alcohol destroying my nervous system.

I can go days, even weeks without having a drink. In November I had an abscessed tooth, and was on medication, so didnt have a drink for 3 weeks. My blood pressure was through the roof, but was able to stick to it regardless.

Then I started drinking again. I typically drink between 5-8 beers a day, but can go on binges where I have 20-30 in a single day. When this happens, I cant hold food down, and will feel like complete garbage for days after stopping. This is where I'm at as I type this.

I have drank for the past 13 years. It got really bad 6 years ago, when my long-term relationship ended. I would drink all day and night, getting 2 hours of sleep if I was lucky. I was able to cut back on that and go back to living normally, several times in fact, but it never lasted more than a month, and I always went back.

My mind never stops. Growing up, I was always in talented and gifted programs, and I graduated from college with a 4.0. I drink to make it stop. Then I drink to numb the withdrawl symptoms from the drinking. A ridiculous cycle, I know.

I know I am killing myself, and that this needs to stop, permanently. I have been holding this in for too long, and letting it out was the first step. I could go on and on, but you all know the story. Many of you have lived it. I will post more later, but have rambled on enough.

Thank you for listening to me.
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:11 AM
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I'm too early in my own stuff to offer advice, only support. Only been here for one day.
Just thought I'd let you know I read that and I can understand a lot of it.
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:13 AM
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AA works for me. I also went to treatment. Can you do either of those? Admitting you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanagable is the first step. Now you need to move forward. ((((hugs))))
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:13 AM
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I appreciate it. It is always nice to know I am not alone, and I have felt completely alone in this for a long time.
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:13 AM
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I have looked into AA, absolutely.
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by djfisher34 View Post
I have looked into AA, absolutely.
Don't just look....GO!
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:19 AM
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I'm glad you joined the family here. There's lots of support for those looking to quit drinking. I hope our support can help you get and stay sober for good.
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:22 AM
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Welcome to SR. Sign in and post every day, and read the stories. It's truly amazing how much that has helped me over the past several months.
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:22 AM
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Thanks for the replies. I am drinking a lot of water, still not eating yet though. I will monitor that (its been a day)
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:23 AM
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The worst thing is, I dont feel like myself at all. Everything is a fog. Its like I am seeing my life from outside of it, if that makes sense.
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Old 01-30-2014, 07:48 AM
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welcome.... you don't have to keep this up.

This is a great place to get help. Get yourself to an AA meeting also.

And, here is the Big Book online. I encourage you to read it.

Nothing to lose; your life to gain....

Big Book On Line - Table of Contents - Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

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Old 01-30-2014, 08:37 AM
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Welcome, djfisher34. I am glad you found this place. And I am glad you are here with us on this difficult journey. I hope you will post often.
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Old 01-30-2014, 09:07 AM
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Hi and welcome. I'm guessing you want to quit? Well, I can tell you what I did in the order that I did it. I started with a doctor appointment. A doctor can assess if you will need detox. Which is very important to consider. Depending on your intake, quitting cold turkey can be dangerous. I know, I ended up in the emergency room with severe withdrawal symptoms!
Your doctor might be able to recommend treatment programs. My doctor gave me a referral to an outpatient clinic. There is also inpatient rehab.
I started with my outpatient program and a week later I started with AA. You can choose other forms of programs, like RR, etc. For me it doesn't matter much which program as long as you have A program.
For me a program was important. For years I tried on my own and rationalized over and over again that it wasn't that bad. A program educated me about alcoholism and also gave me a structure for recovery. Good luck!
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Old 01-30-2014, 10:49 AM
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Welcome djfisher xxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-30-2014, 03:05 PM
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Welcome to SR DJ - good to have you here.
Read around and post as much as you like - there's a lot of support and ideas here

D
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Old 02-01-2014, 07:42 PM
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Thanks everyone.

As expected, I went back to drinking the same day so stop the anxiety and withdrawls. And, as expected, this morning everything was worse. I had still not eaten, my heart was racing, and I passed black in the restroom (sorry that it is so gross). That was the last straw.

I had stayed at my parents last night, as I knew I didnt (and shouldnt) be by myself. They didnt think much of it, I just told them I wasnt feeling well and didnt want to sit home alone. Then, later on in the night, I started drinking. Before I knew it, I was 15 down and went to bed.

I woke up at 3am in severe panic. Straight to the restroom I went, to throw up. Then I layed on the ground trying to calm down for about 30 mins. Then went and had a few beers. That is when I started to feel a very strange sensation in my side, and that is when the "bathroom black" incident occurred. Scared the crap out of me. Immediately I said "that is it", and I went upstairs, woke my parents, and told them about everything that I had done over the last few days, then the last few weeks, then the last several years. I told them that I was a worthless alcoholic, and that I was killing myself. I told them that I couldnt carry this burden anymore, and that I needed serious help. That was a huge step for me.

Then I knew that I needed to go to the hospital to check what I was sure was internal bleeding. I went, was tested, and came back negative. That was a relief. I was then given some meds to calm my stomach so I could start eating, as well as a pill to take in case the nerves/shakes get bad. I also have an appt at 8:30 on Monday to try and get my anxiety/panic in control, which is the root cause of my self-medicating.

I will stay here for a while, so that there are people around in case my withdrawls get out of hand. Thank you all for listening
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Old 02-01-2014, 07:54 PM
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There'll be people around DJ

D
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Old 02-01-2014, 07:59 PM
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Take care of yourself and get the help that you need. Alcohol will take you on a rollercoaster of vicious cycles. Try to change your pattern or cycle, something to break the grip. I cannot promise that the first few days will be a cake walk but it will be better than where things have been recently.
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Old 02-01-2014, 08:02 PM
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I know that feeling of the heart racing terrible feeling! I have relapsed so so many times to stop feeling sick! I know your pain. Good luck
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Old 02-01-2014, 08:26 PM
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Huge hugs to you. Life will get better from now on if you make that your bottom. I'm sorry you had to go through such an awful experience.
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