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Am I an Alcoholic?

It’s Thursday, 30th January 2014. It’s just gone past 11am and I’ve decided to Google search, ‘Am I an Alcoholic’. I’m presented with a wealth of information that infers I have many of the symptoms of an Alcoholic. I’ve highlighted what I think applies to my habit’s below.

Drinking alone.
Drinking in secret.
Dropping hobbies and activities the person used to enjoy; losing interest in them.
Feeling an urge to drink.
Having stashes of alcohol in unlikely places.
Gulping drinks down in order to get drunk and then feel good.
Having relationship problems (triggered by drinking).
Having money problems (caused by drinking).
Requiring a larger quantity of alcohol to feel its effect.

Why am I writing this account? I’m really not sure. I think it’s my way of communicating my feelings and using this account to reflect on in the future and feel a sense of achievement in moving on from this troublesome time in my life. Likewise, a big part of me would love my Wife or my Mum to read this and see that I’m actually in a very dark place at present and struggling to get out of it, which is proving to be very frustrating.
I’m currently sat in my front room on a dull and cold day. Today is the day that I’m making a fresh start; no more drinking. It’s time to get serious and man-up I keep telling myself. I have big responsibilities that I need to accept. It’s time to just get on with living a happy life. I’ve got everything to live for. A Wife whom I love deeply and a baby on the way. Despite saying this to myself, I’m toying with the idea of driving down to my local supermarket and getting one last four-pack of lagers. I’ll buy other shopping of course, so that it looks to the cashier that the lager will be part of my evening meal. I know I shouldn’t but I’m almost convincing myself that these last four lagers will be my way of signifying that today is the day; my last four beers and that’s it. I’ll probably say an oath in my head before I drink them. The thing is, I’ve been in this position dozens of times before. Whilst I’ve reached crunch time on many occasions; today really does feel like crunch time. The thing is, I’ve also said this many times before. I’m going to do it today though for sure… no more drinking I tell myself… that’s it. Fortunately, I do have a voice of reason and common sense in my head; I just need to action these.
My Wife called me a ‘fucking loser’ this morning, before heading off to work. She’s right. As I heard her walk out of the front door, I felt ashamed. Writing this paragraph brings on the tears, however, I’m managing to supress the urge of crying; I think because I don’t want to feel this is out of self-pity. My Wife goes off to work every day. She really is a grafter. She is due to give birth in 6 weeks to our first child together. Hence why now feels like crunch time more than ever. I need to be on alert for driving my Wife to the hospital but I also have the responsibility of being a good Father and Husband to my Wife and Child.
We live in a nice house in Buckinghamshire, UK. We really don’t have much to complain about. There are people who are in far worse positions then ourselves. When I’m working, we earn easily over £160k between us. However, I’m not currently working. The reason my Wife called me a ‘fucking loser’ this morning is because she is supporting us financially at present. I said that I’d transfer a sum of money into our joint account, however, the payment bounced with the result being that my Wife is now overdrawn on her account. My Wife is incredibly responsible financially. I’m not. Something else I feel ashamed about and something else that I need to finally get on top of this year. When I am working, I earn enough to support a small family… so why can’t I just accept this fortunate position, man-up and just get my head down? Alcohol. I lose count of the number of days I’ve spent working from home with a beer in my hand. I’ve cancelled meetings and conference calls either because I’ve had a drink and can’t be bothered, or because I want to work at home where I can indulge in a few beers. I shake my head as I write the previous sentence; I know what an idiot I’ve been.
As for my job; I work as an Interim HR Consultant and have done so for about 7 years. Which is about the same amount of time that I’ve had a drink problem. Actually, if I’m being honest and on reflection; I think I’ve had a drink problem for about 8 years. Being an Interim Consultant has played to my advantage when I think about my desire for drinking. It’s enabled me to work from home a lot, as well as have time out between contracts and likewise, I can move contracts when I think my drinking is impacting my performance and when I justify in my mind that a contract is no longer interesting me. I’ve no doubt at all that alcohol has impacted my motivation in life. The thing is, I’ve been bloody fortunate to have landed Interim roles with companies that most career minded professionals would give their right arm to work for. I’ve been an idiot. When I think about the number of contracts I’ve held that I’ve not extended, I feel like an fool. All because of my taste for beer. Here I am, sat at home. I’m currently interviewing for my next contract. 2nd stage is on Monday. I think I’ll get it. I’m telling myself to throw myself into this one. Head down and earn some decent money and support my family. I know I can do it. Just need to stay off the booze forever. I should really be upstairs now painting the nursery. I’ll start in the next hour. Once again, I know my lack of motivation and positive outlook is because of my penchant for beer.
So how much do I drink? It could be anywhere from 6 to 12 cans of beer per day. Fortunately, I don’t like spirits, otherwise that would put me in an even bigger heap of mess. 6 to 12 cans of beer a day. I think that’s a lot but when I read about other alcoholics who drink two bottles of whisky a day, I start to feel that perhaps my problem is going to be easier to overcome. The thing is, I’m drinking beer nearly every day. I’m struggling to recall more than a few times over the past 8 years that I’ve gone more than 3 days without a drink. But boy have I felt on top of the world when I’ve stopped for more than 2-3 days. My Wife would be shocked if she knew this. Last night, I told her I’d had one large bottle of beer before she came home from work. I actually drank 12 cans yesterday. Writing this brings it home that I have a major problem to get on top of. I piled up the cans that I’ve consumed over the past few weeks yesterday. When I stand back and see what I’ve drunk and when I’m cramming the cans and bottles into a bag ready to take to the local refuse site, I feel mortified. It’s embarrassing. When I rock up to the refuse site, I tell myself that the guys their don’t know me and if I walk confidently, they’ll just think the cans and bottles are from a party… this is what I will tell them if I ever get asked.
The times my Wife has found cans and bottles that I’ve hidden. I’ve hidden empty cans all over the house. Every now and again, I’ll do the round of collecting them together, ready to take down to the refuse site. Likewise, the times my Wife has found empty cans or bottles and I’ve tried to make an excuse about why they are their or that they’ve been their months because I’ve given up booze. I love my Wife deeply and we actually get on great together but I feel utterly ashamed that I’m treating her in this way.
I sometimes secretly drink too. I’ll tell my Wife I’ve got just the one bottle from the local store but then have another three hidden, in which I will proceed to go off and drink through the course of the evening. Very pathetic. The times my Wife has asked whether I’ve had a drink and I deny it; knowing full well that I had a beer just a few hours earlier. During a Christmas two year ago, I stood in our utility room at midnight and continued to drink the remains of the alcohol that we got together for Christmas and our family. I ended up drinking spirit based drinks from the bottle, just because they were there. I’ve also been guilty of drinking bottles of wine that have been given to us and then topping them up with water, so that I could disguise I hadn’t drank them.
I’ve told my Wife multiple times that I’m stopping, yet a day or two later I’ll justify having just the one because I’ve been so good at cutting down my intake.
I hate myself for this. I know I need to stop now. If I don’t, I’ll end up like my Grandad. He drank himself to death. I feel like I’m in a dark place. Lost. How do I get on top of being back in work everyday and feeling like normal. Likewise, how do I get on top of my financial incompetence. I just want to explain to my Wife how deep my issue goes. It hurts almost. I’ve never felt levels of anxiety like the ones I currently feel. I’m tired of waking up and feeling groggy and looking fatigued. I’ve tried searching for where this problem started but I can’t even begin to uncover the deep rooted issues I have. Something is telling me that because I never grieved properly for my Dad 10 years again, this is now having some sort of psychological effect. Perhaps this isn’t the answer though. I do miss my Dad deeply though.
If you met me, you’d think I didn’t have any issues. For 36 years of age, I still look very young. I have good skin. I get on with most people and I get most jobs that I go for. Look closer though and you’ll see the veins that are appearing around my nose… I know these are a sign of alcohol intake. Friends and family would be shocked if they knew what I drank and likewise, what I have put my Wife through. She’s given me so many chances. I don’t think I have any left. The thing is; we have a new arrival to our family soon and this should really be the start of a new era for us.

I’m now desperate to stop drinking. I could write another 10 pages of the times I’ve sneakily drank or lied about drinking. The urge to just go and get those last four cans of beer from the local supermarket is pretty intense. I’m determined not to though. I know happier times are ahead if I can stop for good and just support my Wife and family as any other decent guy would. This is my goal for 2014.