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Why I No Longer Drink

Old 01-29-2014, 11:43 AM
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Why I No Longer Drink

So I’d like to put together a list as to why I quit drinking, over the past few weeks I've been getting urges and I get almost in a state of panic.

I’ve been an alcoholic for over 15 years now. It started off as fun, partying with friends a few times a week. It made me feel popular, it made me more confident and I was able to approach girls with less worry. I liked this part of it. I’d usually drink beer or vodka, and it was never really a problem because most of my friends drank to the same extent as I did.

This party mode progressed through my early and mid 20’s. It got progressively worse, and less social. I started drinking alone later on in my 20’s. I often got black out drunk, and my inhibitions were out the window the minute I took that first drink.

Now in my mid 30’s, I am a full fledged alcoholic. I have never been with a girl that I have been faithful to, and I believe alcohol is to blame for this. I have a beautiful, young family that I will certainly lose if I continue to drink. I have done so many stupid things over the years, all as a result of drinking. I have driven drunk many times, put myself in dangerous situations in dangerous locations with dangerous people. I often get blackout drunk. Here are a few examples of drinking.

Got drunk at a get together, and ended up shattering bones in my foot. This cost me at least $5000 and was the cause of so much anxiety and depression. I almost could not cope with the magnitude of this. I experienced so much anxiety and depression as a result of this, resulting again in panic.

Countless times I have started off drinking alone at home, promising myself that I would not do anything stupid when I’m on my 10th beer and beyond. Of course, that promise always gets broken. There were so many times I have started drinking alone, then decided to go to a sleazy bar. There, I would lose all inhibitions and fear, and would not think at all about my girlfriend and family. I would chat up the nearest woman, no matter what she looked like, and try to pick her up. Nobody was out of bounds. Then, naturally, I would go home with her, and try to have unprotected sex. Of course, I couldn’t operate it so thankfully nothing more materialized, but this happened many times. I would make a fool of myself at the bar and be too embarrassed to show my face there until the next time I got hammered.

One time I started out at this sleazy bar, but there wasn’t much going on. I was hammered, and I got back in my car and drove to a strip club. While at the strip club, I started trying to pick up strippers, all the while drinking hard liquor. I found one that wanted to get a drive home with me, then I drove back to a house and we picked up some crack. She smoked crack, and I narrowly avoided smoking some myself (I would have, but she gave me a crumpled up bit of tinfoil that she told me contained crack, but it didn’t. I would have smoked it if there was any there). The next morning, I was awaken by a phone call from my credit card company telling me that my credit card was stolen (my whole wallet was stolen). I had $500 racked up and had to cancel my credit card right away. Of course, I was about an hour late for work, so I had to quickly call off work and then go get my life straightened away the best I could. This is just another typical night.

There have been so many other nights that I would do inappropriate things. I would begin by getting trashed at home, either by drinking countless beer and / or countless shots of hard liquor. It never mattered what I drank. I would go out and do something, usually drive and risk killing myself and other people or risk getting arrested and thrown in jail and having my life derailed by having a DUI conviction. I would drink myself to oblivion and then wake up, usually in my own urine, on the floor or in my bed, with 16 missed phone calls accompanied by text messages from my fiancé telling me off, calling me a pathetic drunk liar, and promising me that we are done and that I will never see my daughter again. There is no worse feeling. I would try to call her, usually she wouldn’t answer. I’d try to make up some lie about what I was doing the night before, to try and cover my tracks. It was truly pathetic. I would have outgoing text messages to some other women, promising things and propositioning them for extremely inappropriate things. I cheated so many times, often texting the next day and asking what happened. I almost got caught texting so many times, which would have resulted in the loss of my family and having my daughter’s life forever changed as a result of her parents splitting up.

All of this in combination with my mental health deteriorating to a point where I am at a severe depression. There were many times where I had panic attacks. I would go to a doctor, on the verge of tears, asking for some sort of medication to help. Anti depressants, antabuse, anything at all to numb the anxiety and depression. Alcoholism takes everything, and it gives nothing. I don’t even have fun anymore, it is a temporary fix for a terrible life. It is a progressive disease, and it isn’t going to improve as the years go on. I will lose my family, I will lose my friends, my job, my money, my mental health, my physical health, and everything else I have in this life. Alcohol takes everything, and gives nothing. It will never be happy, not until I have nothing else to give, and not even then.

I come from a large family full of alcoholics, and I have seen first hand the way it devastates families. My cousins, my uncle, my parents. They are all alcoholics, and it causes a mess. I have seen the way my cousin’s daughter looks at him when he is drunk. He almost died several times, he has gotten fired from jobs, and he will lose everything if this alcoholism continues – and it will. My uncle had severe liver disease only a few months ago and he will die because alcoholism still has it’s hold over him. My father drinks every night, and is very depressed and has already lost his career.
People close to me are suffering from this terrible disease. I have shown every possible characteristic of an alcoholic, and I will certainly experience these terrible consequences unless I stop drinking.

Unless I stop drinking. That’s all I have to do to avoid this terrible sadness, not only in my own life but in the lives of my children, in the lives of my family. There is still hope, and the only hope I have is to quit drinking. I have a choice. I can continue to drink, to get hammered, to surely lose my children, my family, my money, the respect of others, the ability to hold my head high and be confident, my social skills, my happiness, my job and all other material possessions. I can choose to do this. It is in the realm of my power. Or, I could choose to stop drinking. What will happen if I stop drinking? I will be happier. I will have the respect of my children, of my fiancé, of my family, of everyone else. I will be mentally better off. I won’t be anxious, I won’t be depressed. I will be smarter, more alert, have a better memory, a better sense of humour. I will be in better shape physically, with much more energy and much more ambition. I will have much more time to spend doing productive things, like spending time with my children. I will have much more money to spend on positive things, rather than wasting it on a poison.

And really, why wouldn’t I want to quit? I have quit in the past, and they have been the best experiences of my life. I am happier, more content and fulfilled when I don’t drink. Why would I want to drink? I am much more sociable when I’m sober. I’m smarter, wittier. I like being around people more when I’m sober. I don’t slur my speech, I don’t act like a complete bonehead. I remember everything, and I regret nothing the next day. I am happy because I get to be sober. I’ve put in my drunk time, I’ve spent 15 years in the drunk prison, but now I’m free, and I’ll never turn back.
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Old 01-29-2014, 11:45 AM
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Great post xxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-29-2014, 11:57 AM
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THanks Was a bit long winded there. Typing that out was a bit therapeutic, though.
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Old 01-29-2014, 12:30 PM
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Thanks for sharing, clearmind...looks like you're headed in the right direction.
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Old 01-29-2014, 12:45 PM
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Clearmind that was an incredible post. If you ever get the urge to drink again, read that post.
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Old 01-29-2014, 09:33 PM
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Hi ClearMind. Excellent, keep with it, going forward, no turning back x
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Old 01-29-2014, 09:55 PM
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Glad your here Clearmind - Something I've heard others say & I repeat to myself that brings me relief is that.....we don't ever have to live that way anymore. Keep posting
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Old 01-30-2014, 04:41 AM
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Thankfully you're right, MariahGayle. Thankfully we don't have to live that way anymore... I was a trainwreck. Things are so much better now.. I will never return to that way of life. If that's what you can even call it.
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Old 02-05-2014, 04:31 AM
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Great post ClearMind. I particularly relate to the last two paragraphs... very motivating indeed and reminds me of why I can never drink again. I've just joined SR and have fallen off the wagon a couple of times since joining to be honest but determined to kick this. All the best to you.
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Old 02-05-2014, 04:47 AM
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All the best to you too, 1978!
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