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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ireland
Posts: 300
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Advance warning -this will be a long post. I need to get this out for myself but for anyone who has the patience to read it - thank you.
My relationship with alcohol goes back as far as I can remember - I can actually remember stealing sips from a bottle of Martini my parents kept in the cupboard when I was about 5! When in my teenage years alcohol gave me that confidence that I lacked and gave me a voice when I was too insecure to have my own. This was particularly the case with the opposite sex but my relationship with alcohol was dysfunctional from the start as it took away my inhibitions and self worth with it. Fast forward the next ten years and alcohol played a starring role in my life and I never had enough of it. There was more drunken anonymous sex when too drunk to recall their names which left me feeling full of shame and self loathing. I had an abortion and could only narrow the potential fathers down to two. Even now I am filled with disgust and oddly some sympathy for the younger me.
At least back then there was some social aspect to my drinking even if it was a facade. I had friends and a life, I holiday, saw live music, theatre etc.etc. When I entered my 30s that all changed. My drinking became all consuming, I began to isolate myself and I gradually lost every friend I had. I lived alone at this point and drank every night. I came home from work, drank then ate some rubbish food and slept. I moved a mattress into the living room and basically lived there in filth.I kept up the facade though and kept myself and my clothing etc. presentable when I had to work but my home showed a true picture of how I was living. I dry heaved in the morning and piled on the pounds, my face blotchy and bloated.
I moved in with a sibling, partially for financial reasons but mostly because I thought that it would make me have some accountability and I couldn't continue my drinking behaviour. Predictably it worked only for a short time. Now I bring home a bottle of red wine to share but also buy a second to have in my room in between. Last night I drank two bottles and took a day off from work under the pretense of a medical appointment but really just so I could drink as I wanted to. I drank the second bottle in the dark after everyone had gone to bed. Alone.
I have blood tests on the 19th February which will tell me how much damage I have done.I am hopeful but the constant dull ache in my liver tells me that I may not be so lucky. I have tried numerous times to kick this with varying degrees of success.I've seen many people ask someone after a relapse what they will do differently. For me I am going to change my routine as much as I can. I will remove myself from situations that I am not strong enough for - previously being around drinkers was not a sensible move in hindsight. I will focus fully and only on my sobriety - in the past I've tried to incorporate diets, giving up sugar/caffeine in the early days of recovery when sobriety is a big enough task in itself. I'll do this one day at a time and use SR as much as possible.
I'm 40 this year so I cannot afford to lose another 10 years. I can't express how much I want to have a life.I want to break down these barriers that my drinking has created and have proper human relationships again. I feel like I haven't "felt" anything for so many years and drinking has made me numb inside.
It's just day 1 but I desperately want to heal and I will give it all I have one day at a time.
My relationship with alcohol goes back as far as I can remember - I can actually remember stealing sips from a bottle of Martini my parents kept in the cupboard when I was about 5! When in my teenage years alcohol gave me that confidence that I lacked and gave me a voice when I was too insecure to have my own. This was particularly the case with the opposite sex but my relationship with alcohol was dysfunctional from the start as it took away my inhibitions and self worth with it. Fast forward the next ten years and alcohol played a starring role in my life and I never had enough of it. There was more drunken anonymous sex when too drunk to recall their names which left me feeling full of shame and self loathing. I had an abortion and could only narrow the potential fathers down to two. Even now I am filled with disgust and oddly some sympathy for the younger me.
At least back then there was some social aspect to my drinking even if it was a facade. I had friends and a life, I holiday, saw live music, theatre etc.etc. When I entered my 30s that all changed. My drinking became all consuming, I began to isolate myself and I gradually lost every friend I had. I lived alone at this point and drank every night. I came home from work, drank then ate some rubbish food and slept. I moved a mattress into the living room and basically lived there in filth.I kept up the facade though and kept myself and my clothing etc. presentable when I had to work but my home showed a true picture of how I was living. I dry heaved in the morning and piled on the pounds, my face blotchy and bloated.
I moved in with a sibling, partially for financial reasons but mostly because I thought that it would make me have some accountability and I couldn't continue my drinking behaviour. Predictably it worked only for a short time. Now I bring home a bottle of red wine to share but also buy a second to have in my room in between. Last night I drank two bottles and took a day off from work under the pretense of a medical appointment but really just so I could drink as I wanted to. I drank the second bottle in the dark after everyone had gone to bed. Alone.
I have blood tests on the 19th February which will tell me how much damage I have done.I am hopeful but the constant dull ache in my liver tells me that I may not be so lucky. I have tried numerous times to kick this with varying degrees of success.I've seen many people ask someone after a relapse what they will do differently. For me I am going to change my routine as much as I can. I will remove myself from situations that I am not strong enough for - previously being around drinkers was not a sensible move in hindsight. I will focus fully and only on my sobriety - in the past I've tried to incorporate diets, giving up sugar/caffeine in the early days of recovery when sobriety is a big enough task in itself. I'll do this one day at a time and use SR as much as possible.
I'm 40 this year so I cannot afford to lose another 10 years. I can't express how much I want to have a life.I want to break down these barriers that my drinking has created and have proper human relationships again. I feel like I haven't "felt" anything for so many years and drinking has made me numb inside.
It's just day 1 but I desperately want to heal and I will give it all I have one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
I am so glad you are here. It won't be easy, but one day at a time you can do this. I would suggest you go see the doctor to help you so can detox safely. I am keeping you in my prayers. No matter what, don't give up. You will find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
you can do day one. you are here and have support here. please see a doctor if you can for the possivle withdrawal. i have been where you have been. filthy house and living to drink and nothing else. filthy house. moved in with parents for accountability. only made me hide my drinking. you want to do this. you can do this. i did. i had a two bottle of wine a day habit. i have stopped and stayed stop and really started to get my life back together. not easy at first but doable. do you have other support? it helps. good luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southern US
Posts: 35
I didn't mention it in my first post, but I dry-heave in the morning, too. I blamed it on sensitivity to brushing my teeth. But I never had that problem 3 years ago. And IW asn't fooling myself. Now, in the morning, I can actually tell if I should skip brushing or wait until later in the afternoon, when I've balanced out...
Thank you for your post.
Thank you for your post.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Cara, You sound very ready to turn this thing around. I'm very glad you're here and reaching out for support. It's good that you've arranged for the blood tests and are looking forward to a new life, one not lived in a fog. You can do it Cara. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ireland
Posts: 300
Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling post and for your messages.
I feel embarrassed and emotional when I read it back but I'm glad I posted the truth because I've hidden from it for so long. Nothing about my drinking was pleasant but destructive and shameful and I need to be honest about that.
Day 2 nearly over and I'm ok but keeping a close eye and if I feel ill I'll get help and I'm sticking closely to SR.
I feel embarrassed and emotional when I read it back but I'm glad I posted the truth because I've hidden from it for so long. Nothing about my drinking was pleasant but destructive and shameful and I need to be honest about that.
Day 2 nearly over and I'm ok but keeping a close eye and if I feel ill I'll get help and I'm sticking closely to SR.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi and welcome Cara, and congrats on day one. I thought your first post was interesting and I related so much. At first alcohol affected me intermittently, not enough that anyone really noticed. But as time went on it affected me in ways very similar to what you described. The worst part was I just stopped caring, and the more things around me dissolved the more I sunk into the bottle.
I had my hair done today, and picked up new sunglasses, not big things but steps in the right direction. And the nice thing is that I no longer have to go back and clean up yesterday's disaster, so that even though I might not be astonishing (YET
), it is nice to see forward momentum.
Keep with it! You are on your way, congratulations!
I had my hair done today, and picked up new sunglasses, not big things but steps in the right direction. And the nice thing is that I no longer have to go back and clean up yesterday's disaster, so that even though I might not be astonishing (YET
), it is nice to see forward momentum. Keep with it! You are on your way, congratulations!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ireland
Posts: 300
Back on Day 3.
After my posts above I decided a switch was needed and I found myself buying vodka (never been a hard liquor drinker). Instant love, it got me drunk much more efficiently than the wine and beer I was used to. Basically this ended on Sunday - I woke up and discovered I'd polished off a 750ml bottle the previous night.
I dreaded the withdrawals but Day 3 and I'm ok but not out of the woods yet.
I've taken a few days off work and done alot of soul searching. I feel some clarity in that I realise that I'm constantly trying to be a people pleaser and even when someone really upsets me, I push the anger way down and will do anything to avoid confrontation. I spend my life worrying about others and my own life is on the shelf gathering dust. I know this may not seem like a revelation to you guys but I can't believe that I've only just realised yhis. Just got to work on it now!
Also I know I've got to get involved and offer support here too, not just read and withdraw. God I've been there so many times I must have some experience that may be of use to someone!
After my posts above I decided a switch was needed and I found myself buying vodka (never been a hard liquor drinker). Instant love, it got me drunk much more efficiently than the wine and beer I was used to. Basically this ended on Sunday - I woke up and discovered I'd polished off a 750ml bottle the previous night.
I dreaded the withdrawals but Day 3 and I'm ok but not out of the woods yet.
I've taken a few days off work and done alot of soul searching. I feel some clarity in that I realise that I'm constantly trying to be a people pleaser and even when someone really upsets me, I push the anger way down and will do anything to avoid confrontation. I spend my life worrying about others and my own life is on the shelf gathering dust. I know this may not seem like a revelation to you guys but I can't believe that I've only just realised yhis. Just got to work on it now!
Also I know I've got to get involved and offer support here too, not just read and withdraw. God I've been there so many times I must have some experience that may be of use to someone!
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