HeartsAfire

I overslept this morning. Thankfully it wasn't because of the normal reason. Regrettably it was because I'm human and I make mistakes. You see, in addition to being an alcoholic, I'm also a perfectionist. As such it's incredibly difficult for me to allow myself to make mistakes without either beating myself black and blue or dwelling on it for hours. Sometimes I do both. I've been in therapy and support groups to help me with this affliction and while I have come a million miles from where I once was, I still have far to go.

I know at first glance it may seem strange for a perfectionist to be an alcoholic but to me it is a perfect storm. I could be flip and say that as a perfectionist anything worth doing is worth doing right - including addiction, but I think it's deeper than that.

Being a perfectionist is exhausting and unwavering. There is no escape. You see where I'm headed, right? Booze, drugs, sex, food, gambling, money, video games, etc. - they all offer the escape that perfectionists not only crave but need. Of course I'm an alcoholic. In my warped, perfectionist mind it was my only escape. I even did it alone so that no one ever suspected thus further perpetuating my perfect image. I did alcoholism perfectly. It's insanity.

Something happened this morning though. As I was showering the thought of berating myself for oversleeping started creeping in. I stopped, closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. The word "gratitude" came to me. I opened my eyes. I was thankful. Thankful that I overslept because I'm human and not hungover, or worse, still drunk from the night before.

While I was getting ready my 12 year old started teasing me saying, "Ooohhh...mommy is gonna be late for work. Mommy is gonna be in trouble." I replied back, "Yep, there all gonna know my secret. I'm a human being who makes mistakes. Big deal." That was monumental for both me and, unbeknownst to him, my son. Perfectionism is a learned trait and I come from a line a mile long of 'em. Today I took a baby step to stop the cycle with this generation.

While it's not yet comfortable, this morning it felt good to be a human.

It's the end of day four and I made it. Sober, grateful and undeniably human.

instant

Great work!!

I found being sober I had to start learning to live with myself- easier said than done- especially when you put other people and various "real" issues in the mix.

distortion and self deception were/are a big part of my life

keep on peeling the onion and smelling the roses!!

PurpleKnight

Great job on Day 4 . . . those hangover free mornings make all the difference!!

least

Isn't it great waking up without feeling like hell?

HeartsAfire

Yes! It's one of the biggest benefits. I also love getting everything ready to go the night before instead of scrambling (while feeling like horse poop) the next morning. Even this morning on only 2 hours sleep (can you say newly sober insomnia?!), I feel better than even my "best" hangover morning.

ForMeForThem

Can totally relate to your post. Great job today!