death wish
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
death wish
I just finished of 10-12 beers, then went out for more, even though I told myself I wouldn't. Ended up driving behind two cop cars all the way to the liquor store. I can't believe they didn't notice anything! I lucked out, cause there was no way I would pass a breathalyzer test. Bought some vodka and beer. I definitely feel my higher power got me home. I am sick of this, more than I can say. I thought a few beers on Friday and Saturday would be fine, BUT NO. I'd rather be dead than live like this, because this is not living. I have no reason to drink like this. Money is not a problem, and my life is pretty good. I post on this board, go to AA and see a therapist, but drink anyway. What a loser. I hear many stories at the AA meetings that are heart breaking. I'd think I'd drink too if I had their lives. They have reasons to drink; I don't. If I was homeless or living in a violent home, than sure, drinking makes sense. Sometimes I feel like I'm a little kid that needs a pacifier to suck on to be happy. I have no reason to drink the way I do. It's just crazy. I don't expect any positive responses from this post because I don't deserve it. I know I'm a good person and has had the opportunity to help others and help change lives for the better, but that doesn't seem to be enough. I want someone to knock on my door to say hi, or a phone call from someone who is concerned about me. Anyway, enough self-pity. I'm a pretty determined person once I make a plan on achieving something, but this problem is a bit++h. 
Signing off. Take care.
Signing off. Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by least 
No one is beyond hope. 
You can do this if you really want to. But the first thing you have to do is put the bottle down!!
You can do this if you really want to. But the first thing you have to do is put the bottle down!! Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
My head was all messed up after a drinking binge - I expect yours is too.
I don't think you'd be posting here if you really felt you were beyond hope 2much.
Reach out for some help - whether it be Dr, counsellor, AA, some other recovery group, some kind of rehab, or whatever.
It'll be hard, but anything's better than doing nothing and continuing to drink, 2much.
If you want change, make changes - y'know?
D
I don't think you'd be posting here if you really felt you were beyond hope 2much.
Reach out for some help - whether it be Dr, counsellor, AA, some other recovery group, some kind of rehab, or whatever.
It'll be hard, but anything's better than doing nothing and continuing to drink, 2much.
If you want change, make changes - y'know?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
2much - You DO deserve to know that you are more than the alcohol. I've discovered that it really doesn't matter how we came to addiction/alcoholism? It is what it is.
I honestly can't tell you WHY I abused alcohol and opiates (severely) then turned to crack. Had loving and supportive parents, excelled in school, etc. I read a ton of books, I sunk further into addiction.
IMO, I STILL don't know why I became and addict. Point is, I did, and it was up to me to do something about it.
I had no self esteem, I had hit bottom (lost the good career with good money) but I finally said "enough...I'm done".
It took time, recovery hasn't been a piece of cake, but I wouldn't trade my worst day, now, for a day when I was numb.
You can do this, you are worth this. I hope you keep reading and posting. I'm sure that I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for the great people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I honestly can't tell you WHY I abused alcohol and opiates (severely) then turned to crack. Had loving and supportive parents, excelled in school, etc. I read a ton of books, I sunk further into addiction.
IMO, I STILL don't know why I became and addict. Point is, I did, and it was up to me to do something about it.
I had no self esteem, I had hit bottom (lost the good career with good money) but I finally said "enough...I'm done".
It took time, recovery hasn't been a piece of cake, but I wouldn't trade my worst day, now, for a day when I was numb.
You can do this, you are worth this. I hope you keep reading and posting. I'm sure that I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for the great people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
The only thing I can count on right now is booze.. It's there when I need it, and unfortunately there when I don't. It's dependable and predicable, unlike people. Sad but true.
The one thing that will let you down, sooner or later, is booze.
D
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, 2muchpain.
Even though you don't expect positive responses, you'll get them anyway because you surely deserve them - anyone who is taking actions to be sober deserves.
Stop beating yourself up. If drinking was all about being poor and homeless, then it would be much easier to get rid of addiction, I believe. You are humane, and just being human makes is vulnerable to addiction.
There are a lot of people here who will knock on your door. Can you hear? Knock-knock. That's me. Hi, there. I know you feel bad now, you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. You don't understand why you are drinking and think that something is absolutely wrong with you. I've been there, done that. A lot of us were.
And we are concerned, because we feel pain in your post. And pain is hard to be alone with. We know this. That's why we are knocking on your door to your sober life. Open it wide and let pain out.
We are here to listen, help and understand.
Best wishes to you)
Even though you don't expect positive responses, you'll get them anyway because you surely deserve them - anyone who is taking actions to be sober deserves.
Stop beating yourself up. If drinking was all about being poor and homeless, then it would be much easier to get rid of addiction, I believe. You are humane, and just being human makes is vulnerable to addiction.
There are a lot of people here who will knock on your door. Can you hear? Knock-knock. That's me. Hi, there. I know you feel bad now, you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. You don't understand why you are drinking and think that something is absolutely wrong with you. I've been there, done that. A lot of us were.
And we are concerned, because we feel pain in your post. And pain is hard to be alone with. We know this. That's why we are knocking on your door to your sober life. Open it wide and let pain out.
We are here to listen, help and understand.
Best wishes to you)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 136
The reason you drink is because you are an alcoholic. Many people with good lives suffer the same disease. It doesn't take a "bad life" to make an alcoholic. Read the Big Book. Start at the beginning, don't jump around. It was written to be read like a text book with specific instructions and a solution. Of course you want to die...you are slowly killing yourself like I did. You are in hell right now but there is a way out. Start by not taking that first drink. No matter what! ((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I was there. the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality and I was given the gift of desperation. I narrowed my choices down to 2: AA or suicide. when I walked into my 1st meeting, I (felt) I was hopeless, helpless, useless, and worthless. I was a complete POS. I couldn't take living the way I was. i was very hard on myself for my past actions and it showed in meetings. then a man said,"quit kikin yerself in the arse. yer not bad man yer a sick man!"
made complete sense! but how do i get weller?
it was a asimple as doing what the big book said. goin to meetings and not drinkin weren't gonna be enough to help me. i had to get into action.
took time, but i eventually started likin who i was and even looked at myself in the mirror and liked who was lookin back at me( i hadn't looked in the mirror in YEARS!).
"I have no reason to drink like this."
it could be yer doin it because yer an alcoholic who has lost the power of choice.
no, you don't want to die. you want to stop livin like ya are.
please do yourself a favor and stop waiting for someone to call you and reach out to someone by calling them.then get to a meeting.
im thinkin what ya heard at meetings-homeless or living in a violent home...was before getting sober.
made complete sense! but how do i get weller?
it was a asimple as doing what the big book said. goin to meetings and not drinkin weren't gonna be enough to help me. i had to get into action.
took time, but i eventually started likin who i was and even looked at myself in the mirror and liked who was lookin back at me( i hadn't looked in the mirror in YEARS!).
"I have no reason to drink like this."
it could be yer doin it because yer an alcoholic who has lost the power of choice.
no, you don't want to die. you want to stop livin like ya are.
please do yourself a favor and stop waiting for someone to call you and reach out to someone by calling them.then get to a meeting.
im thinkin what ya heard at meetings-homeless or living in a violent home...was before getting sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
There are people in recovery that have
the phones which means they are sitting
round the clock for people to call who
don't want to be alone, feel they are at the
end of their rope, and need help.
These people, members, can come
get you and take you to a meeting or
stay with you on the phone till you can
get to a meeting or get the help you
need.
You don't have to go thru this alone
by urself. If you are sober enough,
use your phone. It can and would
safe your life.
As a note....my family did an intervention
on me when I hit my bottom and wanted
to check out of this life. They did for me
what I couldn't do for myself. They saved
my life and from there I learned how to
stay sober in rehab for the first 28days.
That was 23 yrs ago. A many many one days
at a time added together sober to get me to
where I am today.
Healthy, Happy, Honest
the phones which means they are sitting
round the clock for people to call who
don't want to be alone, feel they are at the
end of their rope, and need help.
These people, members, can come
get you and take you to a meeting or
stay with you on the phone till you can
get to a meeting or get the help you
need.
You don't have to go thru this alone
by urself. If you are sober enough,
use your phone. It can and would
safe your life.
As a note....my family did an intervention
on me when I hit my bottom and wanted
to check out of this life. They did for me
what I couldn't do for myself. They saved
my life and from there I learned how to
stay sober in rehab for the first 28days.
That was 23 yrs ago. A many many one days
at a time added together sober to get me to
where I am today.
Healthy, Happy, Honest
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
Hi, 2muchpain.
Even though you don't expect positive responses, you'll get them anyway because you surely deserve them - anyone who is taking actions to be sober deserves.
Stop beating yourself up. If drinking was all about being poor and homeless, then it would be much easier to get rid of addiction, I believe. You are humane, and just being human makes is vulnerable to addiction.
There are a lot of people here who will knock on your door. Can you hear? Knock-knock. That's me. Hi, there. I know you feel bad now, you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. You don't understand why you are drinking and think that something is absolutely wrong with you. I've been there, done that. A lot of us were.
And we are concerned, because we feel pain in your post. And pain is hard to be alone with. We know this. That's why we are knocking on your door to your sober life. Open it wide and let pain out.
We are here to listen, help and understand.
Best wishes to you)
Even though you don't expect positive responses, you'll get them anyway because you surely deserve them - anyone who is taking actions to be sober deserves.
Stop beating yourself up. If drinking was all about being poor and homeless, then it would be much easier to get rid of addiction, I believe. You are humane, and just being human makes is vulnerable to addiction.
There are a lot of people here who will knock on your door. Can you hear? Knock-knock. That's me. Hi, there. I know you feel bad now, you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. You don't understand why you are drinking and think that something is absolutely wrong with you. I've been there, done that. A lot of us were.
And we are concerned, because we feel pain in your post. And pain is hard to be alone with. We know this. That's why we are knocking on your door to your sober life. Open it wide and let pain out.
We are here to listen, help and understand.
Best wishes to you)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
2much - I think there are several of us knocking at your door, wanting to know how you are.
SR was my sole source of support for a long time.
We care, we understand, and we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
SR was my sole source of support for a long time.
We care, we understand, and we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 169
Regarding the socializing part. I live in the NW, where people are chilly. Coming from the Midwest, I was shocked by Seattle "nice". People are "nice" but very distant. Anyhow, I've thrown this around in my head for a long time, and realized, "I am the same way now!".
Cold towards others.
I am trying to do things differently. I am trying to be the instigator with people interaction, be the one to say "good morning!" to every person I see while walking my dogs. & look people in the eyes and say hello, talk with random people in the grocery store... A lady just now at the grocery was buying a cute little mini milk jug (for juice or water or ?) & I said "how adorable!" (with a little cow on it), "where'd you get it?"
Or help people with bags, the door, and say more than hello and thank you.
It was a strange awakening that I am in my shell just as much most everyone else.
People want to connect, and want to care about each other...
Cold towards others.
I am trying to do things differently. I am trying to be the instigator with people interaction, be the one to say "good morning!" to every person I see while walking my dogs. & look people in the eyes and say hello, talk with random people in the grocery store... A lady just now at the grocery was buying a cute little mini milk jug (for juice or water or ?) & I said "how adorable!" (with a little cow on it), "where'd you get it?"
Or help people with bags, the door, and say more than hello and thank you.
It was a strange awakening that I am in my shell just as much most everyone else.
People want to connect, and want to care about each other...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
please grab yourself a big glass of water, chug it down, and go to bed. Then get back on here tomorrow and let's take it from there.
You do have a reason to drink... you're an alcoholic.
But, you don't have to.
You can pull out of this.... and you can live a life you'll love and cherish and never have a thought of 'death wishes' again.
You do have a reason to drink... you're an alcoholic.
But, you don't have to.
You can pull out of this.... and you can live a life you'll love and cherish and never have a thought of 'death wishes' again.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by 2muchpain
Please keep knocking, Your post brought tears to my eyes. This is really hard to say, but I am desperate for attention. I don't I am asking for much, just a hi, how are you doing, would be fine. Just talking to someone at the gym for a few minutes makes a big difference. Just knowing that someone will take the time to say hi is a big deal.
I know I'm a good person and has had the opportunity to help others and help change lives for the better, but that doesn't seem to be enough.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
2much, you are an addict. You don't need to read much more than that into your behaviour.
Have you considered detox and professional help? Of course you have SR, you will never be short of support here from people who have built amazing lives after destructive addictions.
You can do it; treat it as a disease that you are going to recover from.
Have you considered detox and professional help? Of course you have SR, you will never be short of support here from people who have built amazing lives after destructive addictions.
You can do it; treat it as a disease that you are going to recover from.
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