PinotNOmore

I've been dealt a major blow today. I don't know who else to to talk to since very few people know what is going on. I quit drinking in mid December, and a few weeks later found out I was pregnant. I was thrilled! I thought it was like a gift from above since we'd been trying for a few months with no luck, then I quit drinking and it happened! Things have been great the last month or so, no drinking, although I still thought about it, but pregnancy (at least for me) nips all urges in the butt!

Today was my first ultrasound... No heartbeat. My pregnancy is over. I'm beyond devastated. I know drinking wont help anything, but I hurt so badly, I just need a outlet. I bought a bottle of wine and already told my husband that this will be my last bottle. However, I am terrified. Terrified that this event will take control of me and my emotions and will spiral out of control. I already made a therapy appointment for next Monday. My mom is at the ready if I call her and need her to come. I am planning on getting as healthy as possible after this is over! No drinking, lots of exercise, plenty of water... I just realize how quickly things can go from on top of the world good to bottom of the barrel bad. And I want to stay on top of the world.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting. I know I shouldn't drink tonight. I know. I just can't believe how badly this hurts. Please be kind with your responses. I'm already being hard on myself in every humanly way possible. :-(

sugarbear1

big hug

stay stopped and keep getting healthier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

peanutty

Words can't describe how sad I am for you. I can absolutely understand the urge to drink. Totally.

Let's say you open up that bottle and drink it. It will give you some numbing. And then what? Will you keep numbing forever? The pain of this experience will still be there, lurking, waiting for you to face it every time the numbing wears off.

Can you be very, very good to yourself today in a way that doesn't involve wine? You deserve it. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending a clumsy little sincere prayer (only kind I have) out into the universe for you.

Ghostlight1

I'm sorry for the way you're feeling. I can't imagine. I just want to give you a big hug and say it's okay.
And it will be okay. You've got a plan for the future. Your whole life in front of you, and I pray it will be wonderful.
As for that bottle of wine. I don't think there's anything I can tell you that you don't already know.

Just know we're here for you, and best to you.

Sarayu

Pinot - I can promise you one thing. Drinking will not help. If you believe you're an alcoholic then you know that this will not be the last bottle. I wish I could erase your pain and I know you need relief. I'm not going to say the typical "Take a Walk or Get Exercise." I will say - if you are one of faith - pray to your Higher Power for a peace that surpasses understanding. Ask the Universe what your next step should be. I am thinking of you.

Hearts

Remember how you quit drinking and then you got pregnant? Please don't open that bottle. I'm sure this is devastating but keep training yourself not to fall back on alcohol. For all of the things you want in the future.

reflection

I am so, so sorry you're going through this. Like others have said - that bottle won't provide you anything but more pain. If there is a way to do something else - clean the house, cook a million things, punch a pillow over snd over - someway to channel the hurt and pain you're feeling, it would be a zillion times better than drinking. Ask your husband to get rid of that bottle, lean on him and your momfor support, post a million things to SR (we're here for you)...something different. Sending you tons of warm thoughts. Xoxox.

alphaomega

Oh Pinot. I'm aching for you. My only words of wisdom during this very hard experience is remember it was your sobriety that helped you conceive in the first place.

You owe it to yourself to not feel even worse tomorrow.

I'm here if you want to talk. Even if you don't. Ill be sending prayers.

least

I hope you don't drink tonight.

firstymer

I am so sorry for your loss, Pinot. You are in my thoughts.

PinotNOmore

Thank you everyone. It just feels like a cruel joke. Like someone gives you the best birthday gift ever then says "JUST KIDDING"! I know it's super common... nothing I did... 1 in 4... yadda yadda. Right now. I just want to go to bed and wake up from this bad dream.

afloatsober

So sorry for your loss. How is your husband feeling? Please try not to drink for both your sakes....
xxxx

Raider

I'm very sorry to hear this. Very sorry. Prayers to you sweet thing.

MamaGoat

I am so very sorry for your devastation I am praying you don't drink. It's just sodang hard to stop again once you start and it will just prolong the pain. ((((hugs))))

PinotNOmore

My husbands as upset as I am. I know it wont help... wish I was normal. Could have some wine tonight, then maybe again in a few weeks. Just to ease the pain. I hate that I have to worry about this stupid addiction when there are bigger things at hand.

MamaGoat

The addiction is telling you to drink. It is lying to you.

Gingerale4me

First off, hug

Secondly, I know exactly what you're going through. At the end of October I suffered a miscarriage. I was at 2months. When I found out I was pregnant I was the happiest I'd been in a long time and finally felt so blessed. When I lost my child it's an ache that only those who go through can truly understand. Everything is ripped away. My ultrasound nurse said something that helped me get through it. She had also suffered a miscarriage and it brought her relief to know that her child would not have to suffer in life bc often the reason for miscarriages is that our children were not developing right. It helped for me to know my child would never have to suffer a day. Although, granted it still hurts and I'm crying as I write this.

After that I was able to keep myself sober for about a month, but as soon as I was able to "get back to normal" I started barhopping again. I found myself in a bad place. we all know the stories and we've all been there. Today at 36 days sober the thing that pushes more than anything is that my child would not want me to have a life like that. I want to be better for my child so when they look down on me they can have peace.
I know this is the hardest thing to go through. You're lucky to have your husband. Hug him and let him support you. I did not have anyone to talk to while going through this. I didn't have the father to lean on (he was an alcoholic and I had put distance between us those 2months) and my mother had never experienced a miscarriage. However, if you ever need a shoulder to lean on please contact me. I'll always listen. You'll be in my thoughts hug

Spinach

Stay sober for your loss and your lost dream, keep healthy, no hangover will help!
I wish you all the best in your sobriety and your future together and the hope of a pregnancy going full term when your ready! Keep sober for that too but firstly stay sober for you.
John.

Dee74

I'm sorry Pinot. No words can really convey the sadness and pain I know you must be feeling.

It's good you recognise that our addiction, ever the callous opportunist, is already working at you.

It won't just be one bottle - and more importantly, it won't help you deal with your grief.

You're allowed to be sad, it's ok to cry - grief for a loss is a natural process.

just don't compound this tragedy with another one and start drinking again.

you're worth more than that.

D

FreeFall

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish no one ever had to experience that kind of loss. I'm sure numbing the pain seems very tempting. Maybe instead of drinking you could do some things to honor that child-plant a garden, write a story, donate to a organization that helps sick babies, etc. I think those things might eventually help you to feel better and heal.