Nothing was ever enough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Nothing was ever enough
When I was drinking I felt like there was this black hole inside of me. Nothing was ever enough to fill it. I got fat trying to fill it with food. I had a gastric by pass to fix that, couldn't fill it with food. I filled it with sex and people, but I ran through them faster then they could run through me. I filled it with drinking until my DUI's and the courts forced me to stop. I filled it with books, I never had enough knowleadge to heal myself. I filled it with drama... no matter how crazy my life was it never filled the void enough to make me feel sane.
I tried to end it all by drinking and pills. Death couldn't come fast enough. Finally back to the court thing... I was ordered into treatment and just wanted to die. Finally at the end of my rope I just laid down found the phone and called a friend... she said "Don't die today you can do that tommorow"... she picked me up and took me to a AA meeting. I had been in the rooms of AA several times. But, this time someone said... "you can always do that tommorow"... which allowed me the hope of today.
It has been over 2 years since I have had a drink. I am grateful for today. I always live and walk in today. Tommorow maybe another story but, I don't want my life to end tommorow... but, if it does I will know that the last two years of my life weren't perfect... but, that they were filled with enough.
Saliena
I tried to end it all by drinking and pills. Death couldn't come fast enough. Finally back to the court thing... I was ordered into treatment and just wanted to die. Finally at the end of my rope I just laid down found the phone and called a friend... she said "Don't die today you can do that tommorow"... she picked me up and took me to a AA meeting. I had been in the rooms of AA several times. But, this time someone said... "you can always do that tommorow"... which allowed me the hope of today.
It has been over 2 years since I have had a drink. I am grateful for today. I always live and walk in today. Tommorow maybe another story but, I don't want my life to end tommorow... but, if it does I will know that the last two years of my life weren't perfect... but, that they were filled with enough.
Saliena
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Saliena, I'm so glad to read your post. I also tried to fill the void with activities, family involvement, work, anything but 'me'. It just didn't work until I started to accept that I could just 'be' and that was enough.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
That's powerful stuff, Saliena. Thank you so much for being here to share it.
And let's talk about that friend of yours. We should all be so lucky...
Isn't it funny how we can hear the same messages over and over and sometimes all it takes is a little tweak of a word here & there and it finally sinks in.
As a newbie I truly appreciate your story and struggles. You give me hope and we all know hope is priceless.
And let's talk about that friend of yours. We should all be so lucky...
Isn't it funny how we can hear the same messages over and over and sometimes all it takes is a little tweak of a word here & there and it finally sinks in.
As a newbie I truly appreciate your story and struggles. You give me hope and we all know hope is priceless.
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