Anna

So, what will you do differently this time?

Can you get rid of the alcohol in your house? Make a plan to be keeping yourself busy, call a friend, get outside and walk, do whatever it takes to get through the day without drinking. You can do this!

Hamartia

I have made an appointment with a therapist to try to understand all of this. I have no alcohol in the house, but sometimes I get anxious or panic and a drink has always masked that feeling.

Hamartia

It seems like since I made this decision to stop drinking, I have been under some kind of attack -- Gaining weight (I don't need to do that for sure); and feeling so much emotional and physical pain. I don't understand it, but all of the hurt that I have endured since I was six years old seems to be too much to bear right now. Until now, I have never been a crier. My philosophy has always been, "it is, what it is -- deal with it," and until now, I thought that is what I was doing. Now, everything is flying apart.

I don't mean to sound pathetic, but I suppose I do. I guess (without the alcohol and nothing to mask all of the emotions), I feel like I'm being pounded pretty hard.

I imagine others have experienced this type of thing. My apologies for complaining and crying all over the place. This has got to get better.

Dee74

It'd important to remember that this is not recovery - this is the initial transition phase - it can be very raw and painful and emotional and bring even big silent type guys to tears....

But..it gets better - you will discover your sober emotional level, and all the physical aches and pains are likely to get better too.

It gets better - not many of us would still be here if it didn't.
For the time being - lean on us, Hamartia

D

Hamartia

SR, I truly believe, is what is keeping me sober now. I have tried many times to quit drinking, but never made it through the day. I had no idea how important support like this can be -- important and powerful. Thank you.

bluncain

Alcohol to me is as an abusive Lover. My AV is The Slug.

He undermined my confidence and self-esteem. Isolated me from friends and family. I lost regard for my appearance and care for my health.

In the end it was just me and him - alone. Me remembering the 'old days' and hoping things would get better.

They don't get better, they always get worse.

And as any domestic abuse professional will tell you, you need to leave.

Close the door and walk away.

Hamartia

Wow! bluncain. I'm lost for words. That describes me so well. Once , it all seemed so elegant and helpful -- my escape from the panic, anxiety, and pain. But now I realize I wasn't escaping at all -- just delaying the pain and destroying my health.

MamaGoat

Sending you hugs...There is a solution. It is in the BB of AA. Here are the promises
The Promises
(From pages 83-84 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before
we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing
for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Hamartia

This is in the AA book? Are those things really true? I mean really? Right now, all I want to do is cry -- cry for all the pain that I have ever had. I feel like I am a whiner! I don't mean to be -- always thought I was the strong one -- that everyone counted on me. But now, without my crutch of alcohol, I can't do anything but cry. Thank you for taking the time to write all of that. I just picked up the AA book -- haven't opened it in years. Thank you!

GotGrace

Hi Hamartia! Welcome to SR. I can hear the desire to change in your posts. You can do it! You are already well on your way! Stick close to SR and we will do it together.

Hamartia

I don't think I could do this without all of you. I am so thankful to have found SR! Thank You!

MamaGoat

When reading the Big Book start at the very beginning and read to the end. Don't skip around. It was written as a text book with specific examples and directions. If you have trouble understanding...or if you want to understand even more I suggest the Joe & Charlie CD's. They helped me understand the BB immensely! This is the set that I used..
Joe and Charlie 2001 Boca Big Book Comes Alive 12STEPS Alcoholics Anonymous 11CD | eBay

Hamartia

Thank you so much! I think I may need to order the set. I appreciate your taking the time to do this. Thank you!

Hamartia

I am in such a panic right now. I want to go get a drink so badly. Can someone talk to me?

Hamartia

I can't read the Big Book right now --I can't even see to write this with the tears.

Hamartia

Yesterday, I felt such a sense of despair -- nothing like I have ever felt before --I've been through a lot, not as much as some of you, I'm sure, but I had never felt like this -- hopeless. I felt the pain of my childhood when my dad left and never came back; my husband's young death to a rare cancer; raising my daughter alone; my mother (same year my husband died) arrested for embezzling funds and dying three months later of cancer; my son-in-law's wreck that left him without legs or eyesight; and my daughter's severe depression. I felt it all -- everything.

It helps to write this stuff down for some reason. Thing is -- people respect me here and I have two lovely granddaughters. I'm just rambling -- sorry

DuhDave

...You'll find that emotions are just all over the place in your early "Drying Out" period. I know they were for me and everyone else would mostly admit it was true for them as well.

Just "Flow" with it for now, as it gets better soon. You will be thinking of drinking but keep in mind it is just a thought. Nothing you HAVE to act on. Allow yourself to eat and drink ANYTHING you want...as MUCH as you want just as long as it is not alcoholic!

Your body is crying for nutrition...start shoveling in the good stuff. Help your body and your mind heal itself. It needs your help. Drink LOTS of water. You will most likely gain a few pounds early on. It's OK. Your body is going through some changes and making some adjustments. you'll feel bloated for a few days as your body absorbs water and puts it in the proper place to do its job. You have been dehydrated for so long your body will need a some time to adjust.

Be good to yourself. Dont expect too much too soon. Patience is the key word right now...and stay tuned to SR...good things are coming your way soon!

Dave

FreeOwl

Hamartia...

you're not alone.

Read that book.

And I'd like you to consider getting to some AA meetings. There's nothing to lose, and your life to gain.

You can do it! You don't have to feel this way...

Dee74

I hope you feell better today Hamatia

D