I am going to die, thanks alcohol I love you too
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
I am going to die, thanks alcohol I love you too
Well, I've relapsed.... I am feeling sick and depressed. I have many a health issues and problems with gambling... I feel there is not hope, I had faith and hope, but now they lost! I suppose this is a bit melodramatic, but the way I feel!
In the last 26 days I've gone from being sober for 19 days, to the darkest place life has to offer. I've wanted to both die and live forever simultaneously. I am atheist, but if there is a God I hope he saves me.
I have a professional degree, but I am dramatically under employed. However, to get a"real job" I would have find a job that would be able to support my disabled daughter. Without medicaid she would not be able to survive. Her insurance cost is high, and I can't afford it!
I want to be a success story, but sadly I feel I will be a hopeless eulogy to how not to live your life.... I've drank myself to desperation, I drink because it makes me forget life.
In the last couple of days ( since my relapse) I've been witness to many a medical issue! However, I proceed in drinking and beg the power that be I am alright? The most frightening is puking blood!
I would to find a " higher power", but I feel like I am my higher power..... and by that I mean I am VERY SERIOUS debt, by that I mean I've gambled and drank myself into a very luxurious house in Marth's Vineyard. Cohabits work I guess, I substitute the pain for one to the other. I epitomize all things addict.
I know, sad story right, disabled daughter, extreme gambling debt, and alcoholic related health issues, but it my life....Can't deny it, its who I am! I am writing this, not because I actually believe a day will ever come where I don't gamble, but rather a goodbye to myself, because sadly I believe I can't do this! I am going to out wit the world and die because I thought I could do this myself...
If hope exist, its fleeting, and so am I.... Like I said, too melodramatic, but its how I feel! Thanks for reading and thank you to SR for being there.
In the last 26 days I've gone from being sober for 19 days, to the darkest place life has to offer. I've wanted to both die and live forever simultaneously. I am atheist, but if there is a God I hope he saves me.
I have a professional degree, but I am dramatically under employed. However, to get a"real job" I would have find a job that would be able to support my disabled daughter. Without medicaid she would not be able to survive. Her insurance cost is high, and I can't afford it!
I want to be a success story, but sadly I feel I will be a hopeless eulogy to how not to live your life.... I've drank myself to desperation, I drink because it makes me forget life.
In the last couple of days ( since my relapse) I've been witness to many a medical issue! However, I proceed in drinking and beg the power that be I am alright? The most frightening is puking blood!
I would to find a " higher power", but I feel like I am my higher power..... and by that I mean I am VERY SERIOUS debt, by that I mean I've gambled and drank myself into a very luxurious house in Marth's Vineyard. Cohabits work I guess, I substitute the pain for one to the other. I epitomize all things addict.
I know, sad story right, disabled daughter, extreme gambling debt, and alcoholic related health issues, but it my life....Can't deny it, its who I am! I am writing this, not because I actually believe a day will ever come where I don't gamble, but rather a goodbye to myself, because sadly I believe I can't do this! I am going to out wit the world and die because I thought I could do this myself...
If hope exist, its fleeting, and so am I.... Like I said, too melodramatic, but its how I feel! Thanks for reading and thank you to SR for being there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Posts: 159
Thatdeliveryguy - Get yourself to an emergency room. There is a positive end in sight. But you have to take the first step. It sounds as if you need medical attention.
There is always hope. There is light at the end of this. Please take the first step...
There is always hope. There is light at the end of this. Please take the first step...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome.... I'm sorry you are suffering....
You don't have to keep up this cycle though.
lots of meetings in Reno and Sparks.... start there.
AA Northern Nevada - NNIG.org
You can change this, and build the success story. You really can.
You don't have to keep up this cycle though.
lots of meetings in Reno and Sparks.... start there.
AA Northern Nevada - NNIG.org
You can change this, and build the success story. You really can.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
Deliveryguy,
Nothing melodramatic about it. You do need some help.
It's never too late. Not if you do it now! Go to the ER.
You proved that you can stop, now make it last. Your health depends on it.
Best wishes.
Nothing melodramatic about it. You do need some help.
It's never too late. Not if you do it now! Go to the ER.
You proved that you can stop, now make it last. Your health depends on it.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
TDG, many people here truly care about you, including me.
This is nothing to screw around with. You need to get to an emergency room. Address the other stuff after your very disconcerting symptoms are evaluated by a medical professional who can determine the most appropriate treatment.
Please go to the hospital now. If paying for the ER visit is an issue, please bear in mind that the cost may be higher in more ways than one if you delay seeking medical care.
Be good to yourself, TDG.
Ven
This is nothing to screw around with. You need to get to an emergency room. Address the other stuff after your very disconcerting symptoms are evaluated by a medical professional who can determine the most appropriate treatment.
Please go to the hospital now. If paying for the ER visit is an issue, please bear in mind that the cost may be higher in more ways than one if you delay seeking medical care.
Be good to yourself, TDG.
Ven
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
You can restart your sober life,you did it before you can do it again.
You need to want to stay sober more than you want to drink.Stay away from the first drink.
It sounds as if you need to be seen by a Doctor,don't leave it.
I wish you well.
You need to want to stay sober more than you want to drink.Stay away from the first drink.
It sounds as if you need to be seen by a Doctor,don't leave it.
I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I always think when a person posts, they are not down and out just yet, they are looking for support, to figure out the next step forward, and I think that is you Thatdeliveryguy!!
Here's the thing, your not dead yet, and if you've been around SR you'll know no one is a lost cause, we back everyone to the end, but your far from the end!!
There is always hope in every situation, imagine this, you don't drink for the rest of today, you wake up Sober tomorrow and you start to live a Sober live, the body/mind will heal themselves, and with a renewed health you can start to tackle the other problems in life, don't tell me that there is no hope, we've all been there, any of us now Sober, had to sort our lives out, but the first step was Sobriety.
We are all here for you, the feelings you feel are valid, most of us have felt them, but we got through it and you can too!!
You CAN do this!!
Here's the thing, your not dead yet, and if you've been around SR you'll know no one is a lost cause, we back everyone to the end, but your far from the end!!
There is always hope in every situation, imagine this, you don't drink for the rest of today, you wake up Sober tomorrow and you start to live a Sober live, the body/mind will heal themselves, and with a renewed health you can start to tackle the other problems in life, don't tell me that there is no hope, we've all been there, any of us now Sober, had to sort our lives out, but the first step was Sobriety.
We are all here for you, the feelings you feel are valid, most of us have felt them, but we got through it and you can too!!
You CAN do this!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
If you need a reason to keep going, just look at your sweet daughter's face. What would she do without you?
You matter, Delivery. To us & especially your little girl. Take care of you first. The rest will follow.
You matter, Delivery. To us & especially your little girl. Take care of you first. The rest will follow.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: everett ma
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy 
Well, I've relapsed.... I am feeling sick and depressed. I have many a health issues and problems with gambling... I feel there is not hope, I had faith and hope, but now they lost! I suppose this is a bit melodramatic, but the way I feel!
In the last 26 days I've gone from being sober for 19 days, to the darkest place life has to offer. I've wanted to both die and live forever simultaneously. I am atheist, but if there is a God I hope he saves me.
I have a professional degree, but I am dramatically under employed. However, to get a"real job" I would have find a job that would be able to support my disabled daughter. Without medicaid she would not be able to survive. Her insurance cost is high, and I can't afford it!
I want to be a success story, but sadly I feel I will be a hopeless eulogy to how not to live your life.... I've drank myself to desperation, I drink because it makes me forget life.
In the last couple of days ( since my relapse) I've been witness to many a medical issue! However, I proceed in drinking and beg the power that be I am alright? The most frightening is puking blood!
I would to find a " higher power", but I feel like I am my higher power..... and by that I mean I am VERY SERIOUS debt, by that I mean I've gambled and drank myself into a very luxurious house in Marth's Vineyard. Cohabits work I guess, I substitute the pain for one to the other. I epitomize all things addict.
I know, sad story right, disabled daughter, extreme gambling debt, and alcoholic related health issues, but it my life....Can't deny it, its who I am! I am writing this, not because I actually believe a day will ever come where I don't gamble, but rather a goodbye to myself, because sadly I believe I can't do this! I am going to out wit the world and die because I thought I could do this myself...
If hope exist, its fleeing, and so am I.... Like I said, too melodramatic, but its how I feel! Thanks for reading and thank you to SR for being there.
In the last 26 days I've gone from being sober for 19 days, to the darkest place life has to offer. I've wanted to both die and live forever simultaneously. I am atheist, but if there is a God I hope he saves me.
I have a professional degree, but I am dramatically under employed. However, to get a"real job" I would have find a job that would be able to support my disabled daughter. Without medicaid she would not be able to survive. Her insurance cost is high, and I can't afford it!
I want to be a success story, but sadly I feel I will be a hopeless eulogy to how not to live your life.... I've drank myself to desperation, I drink because it makes me forget life.
In the last couple of days ( since my relapse) I've been witness to many a medical issue! However, I proceed in drinking and beg the power that be I am alright? The most frightening is puking blood!
I would to find a " higher power", but I feel like I am my higher power..... and by that I mean I am VERY SERIOUS debt, by that I mean I've gambled and drank myself into a very luxurious house in Marth's Vineyard. Cohabits work I guess, I substitute the pain for one to the other. I epitomize all things addict.
I know, sad story right, disabled daughter, extreme gambling debt, and alcoholic related health issues, but it my life....Can't deny it, its who I am! I am writing this, not because I actually believe a day will ever come where I don't gamble, but rather a goodbye to myself, because sadly I believe I can't do this! I am going to out wit the world and die because I thought I could do this myself...
If hope exist, its fleeing, and so am I.... Like I said, too melodramatic, but its how I feel! Thanks for reading and thank you to SR for being there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: everett ma
Posts: 26
and also its taken me more than 20 years to put some time together,and on a daily basis i keep telling myself don't drink and it will get better.in 1 1/2 years ive been thought 3 surgeries taken my x to 4-5 detoxes and she still drinking 2 siezers and countless other issues. and for some reason i don't know how i didn't drink today.keep coming
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I was drinking all day everyday and had for 5 years. I turned things around. You can too Thatdeliveryguy
It's never too late and there is always hope - always.
The initial step is always the same tho - put the bottle down.
D
It's never too late and there is always hope - always.
The initial step is always the same tho - put the bottle down.
D
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Delivery Guy, I have read many stories on this forum of people who were near death, who had lost everything, including family and home, and who still came back. It's a saying, but true 'where there's life there's hope'.
Your daughter did not ask to be disabled, and where will she be if you give up now?
You can do this, and you will, but you must never give up.
Please seek help from whatever services are available.
Your daughter did not ask to be disabled, and where will she be if you give up now?
You can do this, and you will, but you must never give up.
Please seek help from whatever services are available.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
You're here, hoping for change. That means there is still some part of you the addiction has not yet conquered.
That's where it starts.
We all have to fight it, but nobody has to fight it alone. Get help.
Change is possible, therefore hope is reasonable.
That's where it starts.
We all have to fight it, but nobody has to fight it alone. Get help.
Change is possible, therefore hope is reasonable.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy
I am VERY SERIOUS debt, by that I mean I've gambled and drank myself into a very luxurious house in Marth's Vineyard. Cohabits work I guess, I substitute the pain for one to the other. I epitomize all things addict.
Have you checked out the friends and family forum on this site? You may find some help and comfort there.
BTW, did you mean you drank yourself "out" of a very luxurious house? If not, how does one drink and gamble themselves into a luxurious house?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Hey delivery guy,
A lot of us faced our own "rock bottoms" and finally threw in the towel and got help. It's not easy to ask for help, but really what have you got to lose at this point? We hear your pain loud and clear: I was strapped to a gurney in the back of an ambulance 2 years ago, nearly dead and without a job. Quitting drinking saved my life and got me back on track. You care enough to reach out to SR - now take the next step and reach out to a medical professional or an AA center. There's hope, buddy - maybe it's time to finally ask someone for help?
A lot of us faced our own "rock bottoms" and finally threw in the towel and got help. It's not easy to ask for help, but really what have you got to lose at this point? We hear your pain loud and clear: I was strapped to a gurney in the back of an ambulance 2 years ago, nearly dead and without a job. Quitting drinking saved my life and got me back on track. You care enough to reach out to SR - now take the next step and reach out to a medical professional or an AA center. There's hope, buddy - maybe it's time to finally ask someone for help?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
