So my bf in rehab for alcohol tells me im an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 5
So my bf in rehab for alcohol tells me im an alcoholic
...he's been wanting me to go to aa... But I've never had a problem not drinking. I'm a social drinker..sometimes I drink too much for sure. But more times than not I'm in control. I've been analyzing all the things I have done for him to think this. I've been wanting to attend an aa meeting to feel closer to him -get an understanding of what he goes thru... But I don't think I can go and admit I'm an alcoholic if I don't believe that I am one. Is that what I would have to do if I went to one? I guess my question is : how do you know? Is it about the way it effects you? Or is it about control? Frequency? The reasons why I decide to drink? Please help. If there's something I'm missing, I wanna know. My worst fear is that he's right. And that I'm bad for him bc I won't do something about it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi and welcome LoSt1098 
Only you can decide whether you're an alcoholic or not - sometimes it's often easier to ask yourself whether you have a drinking problem or not, I think, rather than accepting the label.
D
Only you can decide whether you're an alcoholic or not - sometimes it's often easier to ask yourself whether you have a drinking problem or not, I think, rather than accepting the label.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Here are a few ways I knew I was an alcoholic, only you can decide whether or not you are.
1. I went to work, and attended all the kids school events and did the grocery shopping just like any other mom but while working and doing the school stuff and the shopping I was constantly preoccupied with when my "day" would be done so I could have a drink.
2. If it wasn't a drinking day, it was a hangover day. For the last few years while drinking I didn't have non-drinking, non-hangover days. It was one or the other.
3. I never drank in the morning, in fact never drank before 5PM but I planned my day around when I could have that drink.
4. I couldn't have 1 drink. In fact, in my mind it was a waste to have 1 drink when you could have 1 bottle. My reason for drinking was to get wasted, it was not to have a social drink. I wanted to be buzzed.
5. I didn't like drinking. I didn't like who I was while I was drinking. I drank in secret. I lied about how much I drank. I spent too much money on booze. I wanted to stop and couldn't.
Any of those apply to you? Granted I was hard core but to me alcoholism is more about the NEED a person feels to get that drink rather how many drinks or how many days/nights are spent drinking. Its a NEED. And every person on here understands that statement. Whether they admit it or not well is the difference between being an alcoholic in recovery or an active alcoholic.
1. I went to work, and attended all the kids school events and did the grocery shopping just like any other mom but while working and doing the school stuff and the shopping I was constantly preoccupied with when my "day" would be done so I could have a drink.
2. If it wasn't a drinking day, it was a hangover day. For the last few years while drinking I didn't have non-drinking, non-hangover days. It was one or the other.
3. I never drank in the morning, in fact never drank before 5PM but I planned my day around when I could have that drink.
4. I couldn't have 1 drink. In fact, in my mind it was a waste to have 1 drink when you could have 1 bottle. My reason for drinking was to get wasted, it was not to have a social drink. I wanted to be buzzed.
5. I didn't like drinking. I didn't like who I was while I was drinking. I drank in secret. I lied about how much I drank. I spent too much money on booze. I wanted to stop and couldn't.
Any of those apply to you? Granted I was hard core but to me alcoholism is more about the NEED a person feels to get that drink rather how many drinks or how many days/nights are spent drinking. Its a NEED. And every person on here understands that statement. Whether they admit it or not well is the difference between being an alcoholic in recovery or an active alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
Has your drinking ever worried you? Do you have difficulty stopping when you want to?
Only you can decide if you have a problem. I am an alcoholic and a few months ago there were a few people in my family that I believed were way worse than me. Since I have been sober I have been to family gatherings where these people were drinking and realised that they only had one or two drinks, paced themselves, had a good time and were fine the next day. Some alcoholics like myself like to compare ourselves to others in our favour thinking we are not that bad. Your boyfriend could be doing this with you. Only you can decide. I wish you both all the best.xx
Only you can decide if you have a problem. I am an alcoholic and a few months ago there were a few people in my family that I believed were way worse than me. Since I have been sober I have been to family gatherings where these people were drinking and realised that they only had one or two drinks, paced themselves, had a good time and were fine the next day. Some alcoholics like myself like to compare ourselves to others in our favour thinking we are not that bad. Your boyfriend could be doing this with you. Only you can decide. I wish you both all the best.xx
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Does your bf want you to stop drinking along with him? Why not give it a try? Give it up for a month or so, see how you feel without it.
It can also be a strain on a relationship if one partner drinks and the other doesn't.
It can also be a strain on a relationship if one partner drinks and the other doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
you can go to any "open" aa meeting as a guest and support your bf and just check it out, have an open mind and see what arises for you. If nothing else you get a better understanding of him and what is probably a big support tool for his sobriety. Maybe it will also help you answer some of the questions you're asking here to go to a few meetings and see what happens.
I believe that every human being can benefit from aa's forum of openness and sharing.
"closed" meetings are restricted to 'members' - but the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. So hey, even if you just want to stop drinking "for a while" in solidarity with your bf, you can be a member.
Nobody will force you to say you're an alcoholic. You can introduce however you want. Things I've heard around the tables;
My name is ___________ and I am;
An alcoholic
An addict
A recovering human being
A human being with a desire to improve my life
Not drinking today
In love with an alcoholic
Here supporting an alcholic
Here in support of my boyfriend
Interested in learning more about alcholism
Unsure whether I might be, or am becoming an alcoholic
A guest
Don't feel threatened.... there is nothing to be afraid of and I believe you'll find that if you set aside fears and concerns and just go with an open mind, you will find something in any and every aa meeting that resonates with you on some level.
I believe that every human being can benefit from aa's forum of openness and sharing.
"closed" meetings are restricted to 'members' - but the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. So hey, even if you just want to stop drinking "for a while" in solidarity with your bf, you can be a member.
Nobody will force you to say you're an alcoholic. You can introduce however you want. Things I've heard around the tables;
My name is ___________ and I am;
An alcoholic
An addict
A recovering human being
A human being with a desire to improve my life
Not drinking today
In love with an alcoholic
Here supporting an alcholic
Here in support of my boyfriend
Interested in learning more about alcholism
Unsure whether I might be, or am becoming an alcoholic
A guest
Don't feel threatened.... there is nothing to be afraid of and I believe you'll find that if you set aside fears and concerns and just go with an open mind, you will find something in any and every aa meeting that resonates with you on some level.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Lost
The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. You don't have to admit to anything. If you have no desire to stop you can just go to open meetings. No matter what the state of your drinking you will learn lots there and it will be a nice supportive thing to do for your partner. As would not drinking... I have come across different responses to this. Some people try not to drink around me and although I say they don't need to I appreciate the thought. My mother says why should she not drink when it's me with the problem... She actually has a bit of a drinking problem which she would occasionally admit to so that explains that one. I kinda think that people with no alcohol issues whatsoever would have no problem not drinking. It isn't 'about' anything in particular, amount or reasons why you drink. It is your personal relationship with alcohol and only you can say for sure, but if you have to ask then there may be issues there x
The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. You don't have to admit to anything. If you have no desire to stop you can just go to open meetings. No matter what the state of your drinking you will learn lots there and it will be a nice supportive thing to do for your partner. As would not drinking... I have come across different responses to this. Some people try not to drink around me and although I say they don't need to I appreciate the thought. My mother says why should she not drink when it's me with the problem... She actually has a bit of a drinking problem which she would occasionally admit to so that explains that one. I kinda think that people with no alcohol issues whatsoever would have no problem not drinking. It isn't 'about' anything in particular, amount or reasons why you drink. It is your personal relationship with alcohol and only you can say for sure, but if you have to ask then there may be issues there x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
to follow on that above comment.... My very good friend, mentor and longtime member of aa with 26 years of sobriety is married quite happily to his lifelong wife. She is a 'normal' occasional drinker and they keep alcohol frequently in the home for others... entertaining... etc.
As it points out in the big book and in the program described in aa - one need not go about any attempt to try and tailor a life that avoids alcohol or temptation. In fact, that can make it worse....
As my friend above puts it; I can buy it, serve it, wash my hair in it if I so desire; I just can't drink it because I have chosen never to have the consequences associated with the way my body and mind react to alcohol.
As it points out in the big book and in the program described in aa - one need not go about any attempt to try and tailor a life that avoids alcohol or temptation. In fact, that can make it worse....
As my friend above puts it; I can buy it, serve it, wash my hair in it if I so desire; I just can't drink it because I have chosen never to have the consequences associated with the way my body and mind react to alcohol.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Welcome to the board! I commend you on the fact that you even decided to post in the first place. As you can see by the posts whether or not you are an alcoholic is something that you have to decide.
Please take what I say with a grain of salt because it's based only on what I'm reading from your post. I could be totally off but still wanted to comment.
The fact that you came here to question is big. Most alcoholics, if faced with someone telling them or suggesting they have a problem, would not do this. They would just retreat into denial and be angry. Not all, but most. You, however, are willing to seek out the answer because your boyfriend, in rehab, is telling you that YOU have a problem. If the words in your post are spot on and honest you sound a lot like my husband. He can drink normally and when he did drink, he went overboard once in a while too. He can take it or leave it (you had stated that you don't have a problem not drinking). He hasn't had a drink in over 8 months in support of my sobriety. He couldn't care less about it even though he does enjoy it.
You're also searching in your mind analyzing what you could have done that would lead your boyfriend to think this. If you're being honest in the fact that you're completely miffed and are trying to figure out why he would say that it leads me to believe that you've not ever done something that's over the top? Most of us here could list of quite a few things right off the bat when challenged with that task. We wouldn't have to stop to analyze if we were being honest.
Without knowing more my gut is that because he can't drink your boyfriend also doesn't want you to drink anymore either. This is regardless of whether or not you have a problem. I think "least" offered a good suggestion. Give it up for a month and see how you do with that.
The question then becomes, is this relationship important enough for you to refrain from alcohol even if you don't have a problem? How does it make you feel when you consider giving it up for him?
Please remember that this is all based on your initial post and you being honest about not having a problem not drinking and the fact that you had to try to figure out why he would say that.
Please take what I say with a grain of salt because it's based only on what I'm reading from your post. I could be totally off but still wanted to comment.
The fact that you came here to question is big. Most alcoholics, if faced with someone telling them or suggesting they have a problem, would not do this. They would just retreat into denial and be angry. Not all, but most. You, however, are willing to seek out the answer because your boyfriend, in rehab, is telling you that YOU have a problem. If the words in your post are spot on and honest you sound a lot like my husband. He can drink normally and when he did drink, he went overboard once in a while too. He can take it or leave it (you had stated that you don't have a problem not drinking). He hasn't had a drink in over 8 months in support of my sobriety. He couldn't care less about it even though he does enjoy it.
You're also searching in your mind analyzing what you could have done that would lead your boyfriend to think this. If you're being honest in the fact that you're completely miffed and are trying to figure out why he would say that it leads me to believe that you've not ever done something that's over the top? Most of us here could list of quite a few things right off the bat when challenged with that task. We wouldn't have to stop to analyze if we were being honest.
Without knowing more my gut is that because he can't drink your boyfriend also doesn't want you to drink anymore either. This is regardless of whether or not you have a problem. I think "least" offered a good suggestion. Give it up for a month and see how you do with that.
The question then becomes, is this relationship important enough for you to refrain from alcohol even if you don't have a problem? How does it make you feel when you consider giving it up for him?
Please remember that this is all based on your initial post and you being honest about not having a problem not drinking and the fact that you had to try to figure out why he would say that.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
here is a link to a self assessment quiz you can take to help you judge if your drinking is problematic or not. It's not foolproof but it will give you some food for thought.
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/tests..._alcoholic.htm
If you attend an open AA meeting ( if you pick up your local AA meetings schedule, it will say "open" or O next to the meeting time and location) or you can call the local AA hotline and ask them where and when open meetings take place...they are for anyone to attend.
During introduction time, you can just introduce yourself as a guest. No labels of commitments required.
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/tests..._alcoholic.htm
If you attend an open AA meeting ( if you pick up your local AA meetings schedule, it will say "open" or O next to the meeting time and location) or you can call the local AA hotline and ask them where and when open meetings take place...they are for anyone to attend.
During introduction time, you can just introduce yourself as a guest. No labels of commitments required.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Seymour, CT
Posts: 132
I know what you mean. I'm struggling with this as well. Truth be told, I've done some stupid stuff in the past when I was drinking. I never put anyone's life in danger but I certainly made a fool of myself at parties and such. I don't plan my life around when I can drink. I frequently can have one drink and stop there. I genuinely like the taste and flavor of a quality wine. Though, those nights when I do get out of hand are bad. The reasoning behind my over consumption can be directed to depression. I may feel depressed or I had a bad day overall.. that causes me to want to numb whatever it is I'm feeling instead of facing it. For me, I think there are underlying causes as to why I can over drink in those moments. I'm here because I'm trying to get a handle on that. Not drinking is what makes me happy right now. Try not drinking for a bit and see how you feel. I know it's confusing.. I'm still confused. But only you can make the decision. Don't let anyone make the decision for you. I, personally, couldn't imagine going to an AA meeting and saying that "I'm an alcohol." I suppose I don't truly believe it. I do think I'm immature when it comes to the substance. It's all a learning experience =)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 5
Thanks so much for the replies ! It's been hard dealing w this on my own. He's been in rehab now 4+ months and we don't get to talk much.
He's serious about quitting and the way he's handling it makes me so proud and love him so much more. I feel like if I were to continue drinking after all he's been through, I would be disrespecting that hard work. He will eventually be around alcohol and people drinking ... But we are a team in life and our team won't be drinking anymore.
I've got a lot of time on my hands while he's there. And I do need to figure out the role alcohol plays in my own life. I haven't stopped drinking completely but am making that commitment now. Let's see what happens.
I feel a lot better about going to a meeting (thanks to you guys ) and am going to go today. Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted
He's serious about quitting and the way he's handling it makes me so proud and love him so much more. I feel like if I were to continue drinking after all he's been through, I would be disrespecting that hard work. He will eventually be around alcohol and people drinking ... But we are a team in life and our team won't be drinking anymore.
I've got a lot of time on my hands while he's there. And I do need to figure out the role alcohol plays in my own life. I haven't stopped drinking completely but am making that commitment now. Let's see what happens.
I feel a lot better about going to a meeting (thanks to you guys
) and am going to go today. Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by LoSt1098 
But I don't think I can go and admit I'm an alcoholic if I don't believe that I am one.
although many do
Mountainman
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by LoSt1098
Thanks so much for the replies ! It's been hard dealing w this on my own. He's been in rehab now 4+ months and we don't get to talk much.
He's serious about quitting and the way he's handling it makes me so proud and love him so much more. I feel like if I were to continue drinking after all he's been through, I would be disrespecting that hard work. He will eventually be around alcohol and people drinking ... But we are a team in life and our team won't be drinking anymore.
I've got a lot of time on my hands while he's there. And I do need to figure out the role alcohol plays in my own life. I haven't stopped drinking completely but am making that commitment now. Let's see what happens.
I feel a lot better about going to a meeting (thanks to you guys ) and am going to go today. Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted
He's serious about quitting and the way he's handling it makes me so proud and love him so much more. I feel like if I were to continue drinking after all he's been through, I would be disrespecting that hard work. He will eventually be around alcohol and people drinking ... But we are a team in life and our team won't be drinking anymore.
I've got a lot of time on my hands while he's there. And I do need to figure out the role alcohol plays in my own life. I haven't stopped drinking completely but am making that commitment now. Let's see what happens.
I feel a lot better about going to a meeting (thanks to you guys
) and am going to go today. Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 297
I think it is a troubling sign that he is focusing on your drinking instead of his own. It might be his AV trying to tell him that if you drink, it won't be his fault if he relapses. At least for me, pointing out problems in others was a way to ignore my own.
He should talk to his counselors or sponsor about his feelings because I think they will say the same thing.
He should talk to his counselors or sponsor about his feelings because I think they will say the same thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 5
He's not focused on my drinking to the point that he is less focused on his own. It's a genuine concern of his and I think it's more that he wants me to have the kind of support he's getting from going to aa.
Wish he could go w me tonight
Wish he could go w me tonight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 5
Well I went last night. I'm glad I did. There is a TON of support there, and I really need that right now. I've decided to stop drinking for a while and see how it goes. Like I said before... It's not an everyday kinda thing for me.
I also decided to stop smoking marijuana which I do a lot more regularly. This has me freaking out a bit. Even now just thinking about it has me feeling anxious. I have often considered whether one can even be addicted to it. I guess it's emotional addiction for me for sure. Like cigarettes, it gives you a pause. Time away from whatever is stressing you out.
My roommate shares my affinity for it, and always has it! Definitely hard to stay away... Especially after the day I've had at work ugh. But it'll get easier. I've quit for a while here and there and the first few days are the worst.
....anyone feel like they're addicted to marijuana ? ? ?
I also decided to stop smoking marijuana which I do a lot more regularly. This has me freaking out a bit. Even now just thinking about it has me feeling anxious. I have often considered whether one can even be addicted to it. I guess it's emotional addiction for me for sure. Like cigarettes, it gives you a pause. Time away from whatever is stressing you out.
My roommate shares my affinity for it, and always has it! Definitely hard to stay away... Especially after the day I've had at work ugh. But it'll get easier. I've quit for a while here and there and the first few days are the worst.
....anyone feel like they're addicted to marijuana ? ? ?
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