littlefish

I know someone in AA who came in after 70, I think he is around 74, has four years of sobriety. He jokes that everyone assumes he is an old timer and asks for pearls of wisdom from his many years sober, but he's a newbie.
He had a very slow and gradual descent into the chronic drinking. I can relate because I'm 60 and I had a slow descent too. I didn't really become chronic until my late 40's.
I didn't have anything to "drink over" and certainly didn't drink over just my problems.
If something bad happened I drank, if something fantastic happened I drank.

I don't think any of us can explain exactly why we drank, coming up with the answer to that may be near impossible.

It's very possible that retirement is a trigger for your drinking. Without the structure and activity of the work life, drinking can fill that space.
You sound really tired of drinking and sick of it. Do you have any meetings close by? It doesn't have to be AA, there are other options.

Dee74

Feeling mellow always felt good at the time - but the waking at 3am with a start, drenched through with sweat, shivering and shaking with a rising tide of nausea in your stomach and the fear that makes you stay awake and grip the bed til your knuckles turn white cos if you close your eyes you might die....I don't miss that.

The knowledge that you drank the house dry and it's seven hours til the liquor store opens...I don't miss that either.

I don't think there's anyway you can half ride the rollercoaster 2much - you have to be all in or all out.

All out, with feet firmly on solid ground, has been a lot better for me.

I love my life and who I am - I can look myself in the face in the mirror and not be ashamed...and all I had to do was put the bottle down.

D

2muchpain

littlefish
You are right about retirement being a trigger. Things for me got a lot worse last May when I was able to cut down on working. Mostly I work now to just stay busy and get out of my apartment and around people. I do still go to AA meetings but not as often as I used to. I just go to them for the same reasons I still occasionally work and I have just started seeing a therapist who specializes in DBT and chemical dependency. I know I have to do something different. I just don't know right now what that would be.

sugarbear1

are you working those steps?

can you volunteer?

ya gotta change something up here!

2muchpain

Sorry, but I thought I mentioned in my last post that I was doing something. The cost of a therapist plus group therapy isn't cheap, so need to work more to pay that off, so volunteering isn't an option right now. As far as the steps go, no, I am not "working them". I go to AA meetings to gain some wisdom and ideas on how to deal with my drinking problem. I have met many people that say they have worked the steps, but are still self-centered jerks, that care only about themselves and their friends. What they say at meetings is a far cry from how they conduct themselves in their everyday lives. The examples of this are endless, so, the steps, although useful, are not the total answer to a persons drinking problems. It comes down to how a person conducts themselves every day, not just at meetings, is the answer. Some of the oldtimers will say all the right things at a meeting, but have a whole different agenda when they are not there. I have been ripped off more times than I remember, helping people at these meetings only to be kicked to the curb when I needed help. This is just a fact. Ego and lack of humility is a part of it. I get a lot out of the meetings, but leave the rest

ScottFromWI

Perhaps you could try a different method other than AA. It's not for everyone.