(First post)ABF relapsed a year ago after being sober 2 years and is still using
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(First post)ABF relapsed a year ago after being sober 2 years and is still using
After literally spending that last eight and a half hours reading through this forum, I think I'm finally ready to post. What's brought me here is my frustration over the troubles I'm having with my relapsed boyfriend. Let me rewind a bit and give somewhat of a backstory.
I was just getting out of a bad relationship and met my now boyfriend. We hit it off but kept things as sort of a friends with benefits type thing. Fast forward a few months, and I found out one day that I was pregnant. I tell him. We decide at that point to put our feelings for one another aside and make our relationship one of just being friends so that we could co-parent with clear heads instead of trying to force a relationship just because we had a baby coming. I learned from a mutual friend while pregnant that he had a bad history with opiates, even shooting up, but I was told that was in the past. We carried on as just friends, but our feelings for one another grew until we were in a situation where we were basically living together. As we started spending more time together, I began to see his addiction myself. It got to where he was lying and dozing out at the time. I even went into my living room one day to see my then-toddler holding a spoon and a syringe in his hands! This was all way too much, and I told him he had to choose either continue using and find somewhere else to go or stay and get clean. He chose to stay and started a program at a suboxone clinic (early 2011). He stayed on that until Dec 2012 when he decided it was too expensive and that he could handle recovery on his own. I was worried it was too early because he never really participated in counseling or meetings, so I encouraged him to stick with it until he was able to work on learning what it was that triggered in use in the first place. He quit anyway. In March 2013, I discovered his relapse...or I guess you could just say I discovered several hidden and dirty spoons. I had had some doubts about his sobriety, and the spoons proved them right. I had always been very vocal about how he could come to me if he ever relapsed, and as long as he was honest about it and made an effort to help himself, I would be there to support him. Otherwise, he would have to leave my home.
Well...he never left. I really put my foot down for a bit and was very firm, but somewhere I faltered. I started feeling like *I* was a bad person for kicking him out. I had so much guilt because I was making it so that my son would no longer have his father at home everyday. It was all too much, so I just kinda repressed all the bad emotions, ignored everything my head was telling me to do, and just tried to make it through *hoping* he'd get his **** straight but scared to death to ever even discuss it with him. He's still here, and life has just become so strained. Any mention of him using turns into a yelling argument. He's so defensive and cruel in the things he says to me. If I know he's used and say something about it, he starts with "Why do you always have to go questioning me?!" and blah, blah, blah. (I'm sure you've all heard it on repeat, too.) He will even go on to tell me that I'm crazy, that I'm wrong--he is not using BUT I am MAKING him want to use. This pisses me off because HE IS ALREADY FREAKING HIGH!!! So I get upset, start yelling and look like a fool, at which he suddenly adopts a nice, cool voice to say nasty things with...and he knows exactly what to say to cut the most. Once it's over and done with, I'm left a stressed-out crying mess and he's still just ok because he's high and nothing hurts him when he's high. I hate it because I get too upset in front of my son. He should never see us argue like that. And I know I look like that bad one to our son. My ABF can lie through his teeth and say the most hurtful things but with a happy tone and end up looking like the good guy because I'm in the one doing most of the yelling and crying. I don't want to be that way. I am just sooooooooooooooooooo FRUSTRATED!!!
Now it's coming up on almost a year since I learned of his relapse, and nothing is getting better. I sent him a note last night telling him I was worried about our current situation. I told him that have seen changes in myself after dealing with these stressors for so long, and that I have to change. My focus has fallen more on my bf and what he is/isn't doing than on my son. Time I used to spend planning activities and outings are now spent trying to just make it through another day without imploding. All of this is also negatively affecting my schooling because OF COURSE I put it on hold all the time so I can deal with his drama. I told him that I didn't know what I expected to happened, but that I know myself and I know my mental health can't take another year like that last. I'm bipolar and have deal with MY OWN mental struggles day in and day out. My mental health is a very fragile thing at times, and I have to be able to protect it if I aim to be a good mother. Since I sent the note, we have barely talked. He pawned a guitar earlier this week and used the money to buy pills. I'm pretty sure he knows I have caught on to this. I think it's part of what's keeping him quiet. If we talk about my note, then we're going to end up talking about the pawn shop, too. I know he's embarrassed and ashamed and all that, but what about me?! I'm tired...too damn tired...and so confused.
I don't exactly know what I'm hoping to get from this post. I just know I needed to get it all out there. I feeling like the weight of his addiction is being carried on my shoulders instead of his.
*EDIT: Please let me know if this is posted in the wrong place
I was just getting out of a bad relationship and met my now boyfriend. We hit it off but kept things as sort of a friends with benefits type thing. Fast forward a few months, and I found out one day that I was pregnant. I tell him. We decide at that point to put our feelings for one another aside and make our relationship one of just being friends so that we could co-parent with clear heads instead of trying to force a relationship just because we had a baby coming. I learned from a mutual friend while pregnant that he had a bad history with opiates, even shooting up, but I was told that was in the past. We carried on as just friends, but our feelings for one another grew until we were in a situation where we were basically living together. As we started spending more time together, I began to see his addiction myself. It got to where he was lying and dozing out at the time. I even went into my living room one day to see my then-toddler holding a spoon and a syringe in his hands! This was all way too much, and I told him he had to choose either continue using and find somewhere else to go or stay and get clean. He chose to stay and started a program at a suboxone clinic (early 2011). He stayed on that until Dec 2012 when he decided it was too expensive and that he could handle recovery on his own. I was worried it was too early because he never really participated in counseling or meetings, so I encouraged him to stick with it until he was able to work on learning what it was that triggered in use in the first place. He quit anyway. In March 2013, I discovered his relapse...or I guess you could just say I discovered several hidden and dirty spoons. I had had some doubts about his sobriety, and the spoons proved them right. I had always been very vocal about how he could come to me if he ever relapsed, and as long as he was honest about it and made an effort to help himself, I would be there to support him. Otherwise, he would have to leave my home.
Well...he never left. I really put my foot down for a bit and was very firm, but somewhere I faltered. I started feeling like *I* was a bad person for kicking him out. I had so much guilt because I was making it so that my son would no longer have his father at home everyday. It was all too much, so I just kinda repressed all the bad emotions, ignored everything my head was telling me to do, and just tried to make it through *hoping* he'd get his **** straight but scared to death to ever even discuss it with him. He's still here, and life has just become so strained. Any mention of him using turns into a yelling argument. He's so defensive and cruel in the things he says to me. If I know he's used and say something about it, he starts with "Why do you always have to go questioning me?!" and blah, blah, blah. (I'm sure you've all heard it on repeat, too.) He will even go on to tell me that I'm crazy, that I'm wrong--he is not using BUT I am MAKING him want to use. This pisses me off because HE IS ALREADY FREAKING HIGH!!! So I get upset, start yelling and look like a fool, at which he suddenly adopts a nice, cool voice to say nasty things with...and he knows exactly what to say to cut the most. Once it's over and done with, I'm left a stressed-out crying mess and he's still just ok because he's high and nothing hurts him when he's high. I hate it because I get too upset in front of my son. He should never see us argue like that. And I know I look like that bad one to our son. My ABF can lie through his teeth and say the most hurtful things but with a happy tone and end up looking like the good guy because I'm in the one doing most of the yelling and crying. I don't want to be that way. I am just sooooooooooooooooooo FRUSTRATED!!!
Now it's coming up on almost a year since I learned of his relapse, and nothing is getting better. I sent him a note last night telling him I was worried about our current situation. I told him that have seen changes in myself after dealing with these stressors for so long, and that I have to change. My focus has fallen more on my bf and what he is/isn't doing than on my son. Time I used to spend planning activities and outings are now spent trying to just make it through another day without imploding. All of this is also negatively affecting my schooling because OF COURSE I put it on hold all the time so I can deal with his drama. I told him that I didn't know what I expected to happened, but that I know myself and I know my mental health can't take another year like that last. I'm bipolar and have deal with MY OWN mental struggles day in and day out. My mental health is a very fragile thing at times, and I have to be able to protect it if I aim to be a good mother. Since I sent the note, we have barely talked. He pawned a guitar earlier this week and used the money to buy pills. I'm pretty sure he knows I have caught on to this. I think it's part of what's keeping him quiet. If we talk about my note, then we're going to end up talking about the pawn shop, too. I know he's embarrassed and ashamed and all that, but what about me?! I'm tired...too damn tired...and so confused.
I don't exactly know what I'm hoping to get from this post. I just know I needed to get it all out there. I feeling like the weight of his addiction is being carried on my shoulders instead of his.
*EDIT: Please let me know if this is posted in the wrong place
Last edited by Bluebell13; 01-24-2014 at 11:00 PM. Reason: *EDIT: Please let me know if this is posted in the wrong place
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Bluebell 
welcome to SR - it's not in the wrong place - you'll find a lot of support here, but we also have a Family and Friends forum where you'll find a lot of experience in these kinds of things too.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I have no experience with opiates but I have a long history with addiction. I can guarantee you didn't make or force your bf to use - ever.
I hope you'll make some boundaries and stick to them for your sake and the sake of your son. Sounds to me like you both deserve better.
A year of this is a year too long.
D
welcome to SR - it's not in the wrong place - you'll find a lot of support here, but we also have a Family and Friends forum where you'll find a lot of experience in these kinds of things too.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I have no experience with opiates but I have a long history with addiction. I can guarantee you didn't make or force your bf to use - ever.
I hope you'll make some boundaries and stick to them for your sake and the sake of your son. Sounds to me like you both deserve better.
A year of this is a year too long.
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I agree with Dee. A year of this is too long. You and your child deserve better. And this is no suitable environment to raise a child in. 
I hope you can find some peace in your life.
I hope you can find some peace in your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 5
I think that maybe we should not be living together anymore, but I don't know. Things can be good at times, but they can be toxic at others. My child does not need to see someone lie and get away with it on a regular basis. Now that I think about it, my kid actually had all video games taken away from him today because he lied to ABF about picking up his toys. ABF give him a big speech about how you're not supposed to lie, and how if you tell the truth, you get in less trouble. I can't even begin to explain how it felt to hear that from the other room.
I don't even know how to go about navigating a separation. When I found out about everything last year, I almost completely ended things. I had told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and he needed to leave, but no matter what, he would never leave! I could yell, scream, throw his stuff out the door, ANYTHING and he would still never leave. I think it's a contributing factor to why I was unable to stay strong in my attempt to separate myself from him. It's hard to leave someone that's passed out on your couch.
I don't even know how to go about navigating a separation. When I found out about everything last year, I almost completely ended things. I had told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and he needed to leave, but no matter what, he would never leave! I could yell, scream, throw his stuff out the door, ANYTHING and he would still never leave. I think it's a contributing factor to why I was unable to stay strong in my attempt to separate myself from him. It's hard to leave someone that's passed out on your couch.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
This is not a safe environment for you or your son. Your BF has made his choice clear. Consult an attorney, one who specializes in domestic law would probably be the best.
There is nothing you can do at this point to help your BF, but there is a LOT you can do to help yourself and your child. It will be worth it.
It sounds as if things have already imploded, there is nothing to "save", it's time to take the next steps. You can have and deserve a drug free life.
There is nothing you can do at this point to help your BF, but there is a LOT you can do to help yourself and your child. It will be worth it.
It sounds as if things have already imploded, there is nothing to "save", it's time to take the next steps. You can have and deserve a drug free life.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Bluebell, your story is SO familiar! It is my story, except that the opiate addict in my life was my son. It is the story of so many people who post on the F&F forum, and of so many family and friends of addicts who I've met. Everything you describe - your increasing obsession with your ABF's addiction, your feelings of guilt, the lies, his ability to turn things around on you and make you out to be the crazy one - it's all textbook of the experience of loving an active addict. If it makes you feel a bit better knowing you are not alone, then know that you are not. Everything you have described is typical.
So what to do? You are mired in it, which affects the clarity of your thinking. First, you can't change him. Only he can decide to change, and as things currently stand, he is not inclined to do so. So you need to operate on the assumption that he won't change and decide what you need to do to protect yourself and your son. We family and friends get drawn into our addicts destructive dynamic without realizing that as things progress, the addiction will destroy us as well. It is emotionally traumatizing, and can have lasting damaging effects on you and your son. You need support, and posting here is a good start. As Dee suggests, you should check out the F&F forum. Finding an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting would be a great idea also.
So what to do? You are mired in it, which affects the clarity of your thinking. First, you can't change him. Only he can decide to change, and as things currently stand, he is not inclined to do so. So you need to operate on the assumption that he won't change and decide what you need to do to protect yourself and your son. We family and friends get drawn into our addicts destructive dynamic without realizing that as things progress, the addiction will destroy us as well. It is emotionally traumatizing, and can have lasting damaging effects on you and your son. You need support, and posting here is a good start. As Dee suggests, you should check out the F&F forum. Finding an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting would be a great idea also.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
By the way, I became a crazy, screaming, emotional mess, too. NOT who I am normally. I was so hurt by the betrayals, the deceit, the callous disregard for me and my feelings even as I was doing everything in my power to help my son get healthy. I took it all personally, which is pretty normal. Know that it's not personal - he's pulling out all the stops to protect his addiction, which he will do unless and until he's ready to stop using.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 187
Welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but know that you aren't alone. The friends and family section will definitely help bring to light some things you need to realize. You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
There are stickies at the top of the friends and family section that you should read. One I think is titled "What addicts say" or something similar. He will say and do anything to protect his addiction. I am a "double winner" in that I'm an addict and also have an addict in my life. First and foremost, you need to protect your son. This environment he is in is toxic, and it will be detrimental to him if he is made to stay in it. Make no mistake about it, he is being affected by all of this whether it appears that way or not. It's time for you to protect your son. That should be your number one priority.
I know it's a didficult situation, especially since you have asked him to leave and be refuses. Is the house in your name? You might have to get the police involved if it is. Is there any family you could stay with for a bit? Again, your son really needs to be away from the chaos that is addiction.
Please read the posts in the friends and family section. You will find a lot of people there who have been in your exact situation and have come out on the other side. I second finding an Alanon meeting or possibly seeing a therapist. You can't make your abf change, but you can change your situation and your life. Do it for yourself and your son. You both deserve better. I say all of this with love. Stay strong!
There are stickies at the top of the friends and family section that you should read. One I think is titled "What addicts say" or something similar. He will say and do anything to protect his addiction. I am a "double winner" in that I'm an addict and also have an addict in my life. First and foremost, you need to protect your son. This environment he is in is toxic, and it will be detrimental to him if he is made to stay in it. Make no mistake about it, he is being affected by all of this whether it appears that way or not. It's time for you to protect your son. That should be your number one priority.
I know it's a didficult situation, especially since you have asked him to leave and be refuses. Is the house in your name? You might have to get the police involved if it is. Is there any family you could stay with for a bit? Again, your son really needs to be away from the chaos that is addiction.
Please read the posts in the friends and family section. You will find a lot of people there who have been in your exact situation and have come out on the other side. I second finding an Alanon meeting or possibly seeing a therapist. You can't make your abf change, but you can change your situation and your life. Do it for yourself and your son. You both deserve better. I say all of this with love. Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
It sounds like you are in need of some serious change. Your boyfriends using has nothing to do with you or your son. Yes, I do agree that raising your child in this situation is detrimental. It is time for you to put the focus on your son and you, building a healthy environment for the both of you to flourish. Do not feel guilty for standing your ground and doing what is right. Your life does not have to revolve around this person any longer. You deserve so much more. I would check into legalities and make some long overdue changes. We are here for you. Thank you for sharing your story and know you are not alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 297
I have a relative who was very addicted to opiates for a long time. She eventually got help and has really done well for herself so there is hope. But she REALLY wanted sobriety.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's so hard to watch someone you love and the father of your child going through this. Remember to love yourself and your son first because an addict is just not going to be able to. Sometimes that means separating yourself from the situation for protection. You aren't a bad person at all, you are a good mother.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's so hard to watch someone you love and the father of your child going through this. Remember to love yourself and your son first because an addict is just not going to be able to. Sometimes that means separating yourself from the situation for protection. You aren't a bad person at all, you are a good mother.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 5
He's not there yet. He doesn't want it bad enough, and it's because he hasn't gotten to his "bottom" yet. I think I'm the one holding it together. Thank you guys for your support! It's crazy how much more your thoughts can resonate with you when you hear them in another's words. I have found the friends and family forum and read the stickies which were great. The "What Addicts Do" thing was so accurate. Thank you all for referring me there.
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