MrBen

So I drank last night. I'd like to say I thought I would be able to have a couple then stop, but I didn't. I knew I was going to get plastered and that's exactly what happened. Not to mention smoking 3 days before an important swim test, which is obviously bloody stupid.

So I'm currently just trying to get through the day and not hate myself too much for it. It's the cycle that's getting my down the most, relapse-recovery-relapse-shame, and I know each time I do it I'm edging closer and closer to the day I throw up blood or pass out and never wake up again.

I'm genuine about my decision to quit drinking, but I was before and I failed. So I feel like I can't trust my own mind any more. That's what is exhausting. I feel so sick, physically and mentally. When I'm sober I beat myself up for being me, when I drink I beat myself up for drinking.

I don't know, generally I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. I wish I could swap my anxiety ridden brain for a new one- this one's broken.

Nonsensical

I've been on that treadmill. It's no fun at all. Day 1 - adamant resolve/iron will slowly fading over the weeks until I was drinking again.

I could not just stop and then expect to stay stopped. I had to stop and then do something else to stay stopped. I had to do things that strengthened my sobriety. It took me a while (and some relapses) to figure out what those things are, but I think I have the right mix now.

What are you doing to strengthen your resolve so that it doesn't fade this time?

doggonecarl

But are you genuine in your actions to quit drinking. Deciding to quit is but the first step in recovery. You then have to do the things that support that decision. If you keep failing, then look at what you are doing (or not doing) to ensure you quit and stay quit.

Cheydinhal

Hey MrBen, do you have a group you can attend or sober friends/group members you can call when you feel like drinking or feel discouraged? A good recovery group can be a great place to vent your frustrations and talk about your doubts of yourself, etc. Also, if going to a good therapist is an option, that can do great things.

I definitely empathize with the feeling of beating yourself up for being "you" and therapy gave me some good tools to accept myself and learn to enjoy life.

Hang in there - we're all in this together

MrBen

Well I was really successful when I was training to become a swimming teacher, I passed the course and that's when I started thinking about drinking again. Just sitting around waiting to hear back from applications is what got me this time around, boredom makes me anxious, and anxiety makes me feel like drinking. So tomorrow I'm going to start training like I was before and continue until I find work (I have a job interview on monday so fingers crossed).

Today I'm just trying to get through this hangover. I did not miss this feeling.

Cheydinhal

Good for you - keeping busy with something you're passionate about is a great idea. Do you have any hobbies or other interests like reading, music, video games, movies, drawing/painting, etc? In those moments of boredom, having an activity you can do can help get you through hour by hour.

MrBen

My main distraction at the moment is the puppy that is currently chewing my shoes =)

Cheydinhal

That's great! A dog can be such a wonderful companion and friend I know you live in England so it's probably as frigid there as it is here in Connecticut, but maybe bundle up and take the puppy for some good walks. Fresh air is always good

Nonsensical

I found there is a tangible difference in outcomes between

planning to not drink

and

having a plan to not drink

Anna

Spending time with the puppy sounds like a great way to distract yourself and work on your sobriety. As others have said, it's taking action that is going to make this work for you.

zeppodog

Good luck on the job interview, train all weekend and DON'T DRINK, I know the hardest part is just not having the first one, many people on SR have been or are going through the same thing.

Mrrryah1

I sooooo relate to u and know the feeling. The first couple days are the worst. Just hang on and get thru them and you will feel so much better. I promise.

MrBen

It was raining the other day and I was taking him out for his afternoon walk, he walked out then bolted back in the house then spent the next few minutes looking at me like he was saying "are you crazy? Have you seen it outside?!".

bluncain

Hello MrBen,

I know too well this remorse/shame merry-go-round, and it makes you feel what is the point?, I'll fail anyway.

I'm finding the addicted voice (AVRT) tool really helpful. My inner beast is The Slug. What's the point I'll fail anyway is the Slug speaking, he wants a drink. Each time I recognise his voice and refuse to heed him, it is as though I've put him on a stone in the full glare of the sun, he is shrivelling up. And Mate he don't like that.

I bet you are real good at beating yourself up. Try not to. Make a plan as though you where going to war, and call in all the troops (Medical help, support groups etc.). Then fight for your life, you're worth fighting for.

Best of Luck M8

Mountainmanbob

that is the exact one who had deceived me the most
the one looking back at me in the mirror
my Sponsor early on brought this to my attention
I had always blamed others
actually most was done to me by myself

only I can deceive myself into corrupt thinking all so fast

Mountainman

Charlie117926

MrBen

your not alone. I had four days (a record for me) and I thought hey I'll go out after work and get some food and "sip" on "a" beer. Well that sip ended up being 10 beers. I am mad as hell at myself as I was doing great.

so I am going to dust off my boots, jump back on the wagon and make today...today...sober.

Thanks for posting, it was a help to me and I hope mine was to you. take care

ReadyAndAble

It's great that you're jumping right back on track. I can hear how committed you are. No need to be ashamed. It's not the relapse that matters, it's what happens afterward that counts.

Not to hammer too much on the same point, but I think nonsensical's post is vitally important. It's great you're going to keep busy, and I found exercise in general to be very helpful in the early days of recovery, but sooner or later you will be bored again. It's just part of life. Sooner or later you'll be angry, or sad, or lonely, and a voice will tell you to console yourself with a drink—or you'll be exhilarated by good news, and wanting to celebrate, and again you'll hear the voice. That's where the plan comes in. What will you do when a strong desire to drink comes over you?

Think of the plan as a lifeguard, sitting by the side of the pool while you swim. Odds are you won't need the lifeguard today, but you never know when you might run into trouble, so you need to have that lifeguard ready at all times.

KateL

I just think, 'one drink will lead to oblivion and I don't want a hangover either.' Took me a while to accept that. xxx

FreeOwl

I probably resolved to quit and then kept right on drinking within days or at most weeks a good six hundred times....

I found that for me, I can't keep my choice of sobriety without help and action.

I find AA an incredibly helpful tool.

AA, daily affirmation of my choice, making NEW choices, changing habitual patterns....

It takes work - but man, it's worth it.

May you find what works for you.....

joshlyman

I just had a nasty relapse after almost 3 months. Shame does not even begin to cover it. I feel for you more than you can imagine. At least we are both here and are sober now, that is what counts.