Pataphor

Gonna use this - I used to say mine was Binky the bad clown...but you know he was just to damn fun!

EndGameNYC

As Carl suggested, it's the proper actions that we take in support of our struggle to achieve sobriety that make all the difference. I don't imagine that anyone ever thought themselves into sobriety. If that worked, none of us would be hear.

I was very close with my maternal grandmother as a child. The way things were back then, my family spent almost every holiday and a lot of weekends with her and my grandfather, who I also liked being with. She always made me feel special and, in part due to her suffering from what I later understood was likely bipolar depression, she was always very excited about our visits, and generally spoiled me with toys, candies and things she baked. A child's trifecta.

When she was dying of cancer, everyone was very secretive about what was going on. Her condition was fatal, and at some point, the doctor's could do nothing more than make her "comfortable" until the end. I was about five or six at the time, and had no experience with death or dying.

When she died, my mother had something of a nervous breakdown, which I later understood was a result of the extremely conflicted relationship she had with my grandmother. My Mom stayed away for a couple of months, and my siblings and I were separated, staying with different neighbors and relatives while she was away. It was a very scary time.

I remember thinking while I was in bed at night, that if I remained perfectly still, without making a sound, that things would go back to the way they were. Of course my magical thinking didn't work, but it got me through the weeks and months that followed my grandmother's death. My grandmother didn't return, and my mother was a wreck when we finally got back together as a family. All my stillness and all my crying didn't change a thing, but it helped me survive a couple of unthinkable losses that I was entirely incapable of understanding.

A French philosopher and scientist once wrote, "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." The more active I was in early sobriety, the more able I was to sit comfortably with myself.

anchorbird

The important part right now is that you are back on track. Keep at it! Never give up!

instant

You don't say how long you were sober for. I was "trying" to quit for years- I got a week here and there, once I got six months but then had a "planned relapse" (just one night etc)

Over time I came to I came to embrace sobriety with all I have for me the change did happen very quickly when I was in a desperate state and within 24 hours I knew something had changed for me. At the time I did not know what it meant and for all I knew it could have been the beginning of the end- but I felt better in a few days and I felt like a burden had been lifted.

Nower days I am aware of "where I am at" I maintain an awareness of how committed I am to my recovery and where I am at emotionally/psychologically etc. The ideas that promote drinking still do occur- but now I am able to recognise them for what they are . The central issue for me is embracing sobriety rather than not drinking, the point being I try to maintain an awareness of how far I am drifting from where I am "centred" in my recovery