mecanix

I just hope they get home safe , don't hurt themselves or others and if they one day find it a problem that find a way to deal with it effectively .

Bestwishes, m

EndGameNYC

I'm generally not around people who drink heavily, but I've long been conflicted in this process, experiencing competing responses that both provoke and are provoked by a range of feelings. When I'm in the company of someone who's drunk, and before I stop to think about it, I experience both disgust and pity; pity being nothing more than a less visceral, lower level version of disgust. Because I'm an alcoholic, I both identify and empathize with drunks, and am appalled at what I once was and what I can again become, a projection of the self-loathing that dominates my identity while I'm drinking. The AA Big Book has a line that I truly love, "An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature." Unlovely indeed.

Same thing happens here, on SR, when people post comments while they're drunk, either attacking other people on the site from whom they've gotten support, or with whom they have an ax to grind, or generally trashing people who've gotten sober. I know that they're drunk, but it still brings me to a dark place that became dark by my own doing, before it brings me to a different place. Yet I also feel a great deal of compassion for people who acknowledge that they're either drunk or have been drinking while commenting who are able to remain civil, and not necessarily coherent.

My reflective, thinking self apprehends something different, and produces something like empathy, but not before my emotional self processes the horrors of what I'm experiencing in all its immediate revulsion. Patience, tolerance and love come only after the universe places me face-to-face with the monster I've been.

For me, being nonjudgmental is a cognitive rather than an emotional process; it often mandates that I do violence to the honesty of my feelings, to act and speak in a socially acceptable manner. After all, we live in a society in which being "judgmental" is at the top of the hierarchy of the worst moral crimes we can commit, perhaps seconded by betrayal. Yet I do believe and fear that were we to rely on emotions alone, always and everywhere, there would be much more bloodshed than there already is.

quadrant

I'm constantly around people who drink - I play music in bars and work in one of those creative industries where if someone has a drink or four or eight at lunch no one will bat an eyelash.

I have done enough stupid stuff in my own drinking "career" that I just don't judge, and I am very strict with myself about that rule.

I know from personal experience that no one will ever convince you you need help unless you make that decision for yourself. I also know that no amount of external guilt will ever equal your own internal guilt. So there's no point, really.

So I just go on with my life, trying to be as compassionate as I can, and making very sure to never talk down to or be condescending with people that are drunk or drinking; while being absolutely unapologetic of my sobriety.

Leana

I skip quickly by facebook posts that include drinking, I have no interest in it at all. At parties I very rarely concentrate on the drinkers unless it is apparent that they have had way to much. For the most part I leave them to fend for themselves. I don't see it as my responsibility to take care of them. The 1 exception I will make is to take keys away from anyone attempting to drive.

malcolmsloan

I'm very conflicted. I truly try to not get mad, "suspend all judgment," as Nick Carraway says. But like Nick, I catch myself doing it, judging. It's a battle, though because alcohol has caused me so much hurt, has taken me to the edge of ruin, has destroyed lives around me. I don't want to judge, but I just see alcohol through different lenses. When I see the neighbors gathered on the street on a warm evening, sipping beer, wine, and gin/juice, I see annihilation sliding down their throats. I close my eyes. Try to look away. Don't judge, don't judge, I tell myself. But there they are, embracing the substance that tried to kill me, take my family away, the job I worked so hard for, my happiness, my self-esteem, my optimism. Don't judge, don't judge. I pray for it, asking god to help me forgive, to deliver me from judgment. Yet, I hang my head and confess; I hate alcohol and have a very hard time being around drinkers. I want to get past this, but it's hard.

Deckard

Remember all the humans in "The Matrix" who were cluelessly plugged into a simulated reality, completely unaware of true freedom?

That's how I see a lot of people living the drinking life.

malcolmsloan

I like the analogy, Deckard. Reminds me of Plato's "Allegory of the Cave" as well. Yikes.

SilentCinemaFan

I guess I'm opinionated... Drunks are super annoying! I'm sorry you guys. When I go out with friends and they all drink heavily at the club or bar and start acting crazy stupid and walk in slow motion,ask me the same question 50 times, it reminds me how ridiculous it is to drink to the point of that drunken state. It turns me off from drinking and makes me realize that I'm above the fog that these people are putting themselves in. If anybody is tempted to drink, I suggest they go to a club after 11:30PM and take a hard look at most of the people there. You'll shake your head and walk out the door.

I'm not as cold-hearted as I sound, if I see anybody who is drunk at risk of serious injury or causing injury to someone else, I try to help them out. The reason why I'm still alive today is because when I was drunk, people did the same thing for me, helped me out so I was safe and injury free. I was lucky in that sense. Anything could have happened to me.

When I come over family parties, a handful of my family members drink heavily... Sometimes that's the only state I see them in for many years. I usually give them a hug at some point and tell them, I hope someday I can have a clean conversation with you... They are so drunk they don't really get it, but I say it anyway in a bittersweet manner and tell them best wishes for the new year.

Another thing I laugh about are people who go to sporting events, concerts, and special events and wait in line for like 45 minutes for a 7 dollar beer, drink it in 20 minutes and get in line for another 45 minutes and get another beer. They basically miss the game, the concert or whatever they were supposed to enjoy for 24 oz of bud light or whatever cheap beer they sell at those venues. Now, it just makes me think, what a waste of time!

Nightswimming

This is a really interesting post Nikkabean and an issue I've been thinking about a lot the past couple of months. My focus has been shifting from being all about me not drinking to include dealing with situations where others are drinking. It was a baptism of fire over the Christmas period for sure!

The best way for me to explain how I feel about my sobriety is it is like a secret world that I've been privileged enough to find after stumbling around in the darkness of drinking for the past 10-15 years. It sounds a bit cliched but this sober period has allowed me to see life in a totally different way.

Where before I battled through the week to get to seriously binge drink at the weekend (or not even wait until then) it's like I've suddenly found the real me and this me wants to achieve things! I've been reading, learning German, running and lots of other activities and I get so much more out of them now. They're not filling in space until I can reward myself with alcohol, they are the reward in themselves.

I'm sometimes tempted to think I now know this big secret that the rest of the world doesn't know. But maybe this is only a secret for us alcohol abusers and is the life other people have been living all along? Enjoying some drinks is just another activity for them in the same way as running, reading etc. Maybe the big secret is I've just found the life I should have been living all along!

I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that other people will be to celebrate with drinks, have a hangover and continue their life as normal. This is just something that I can never do. I'm sure my emotions around this will become easier to deal with in time. Sometimes I'll avoid certain occasions if they only involve drinking and other times I'll make sure I meet people at a restaurant instead of a bar so I get fed if others want to drink.

If others get drunk and annoying I will try really hard not to judge them! I'll let them get on with it, avoid them if they get too annoying and, if necessary, I'll make sure my friends are safe. I'll do this safe in the knowledge that for ME total abstinence is the only way forward.

LadyBlue0527

Nikkabean, there is no need for apologies. You're human, you're working on sobriety, and you have a brain. It's only natural that you perceive and reflect on differences between your life and people before and after getting sober. Everything changes. It's healthy to come here and reflect on your happiness now and to inquire if others feel the same way. Your post exudes your thankfulness of the fact that you don't have to be "that person" anymore. That's an important and beneficial piece of sobriety. I revel in and share your thoughts. Sharing and reflection is what this place is all about. All points are valid.

Cathryn2001

Yes! I feel exactly the same--well said!

archenemy

How do I view drinkers now... My Husbands buddies always have full coolers of beer with them and I always see a beer in their hand when they visit my husband. What comes first in my mind is I want to ask them for a beer. But I don't because I know I would drink their entire cooler as fast as I could. Second I always wonder..why aren't these people progressing into full blown alcoholics because they're constantly drinking? Also I wonder why they don't act all stupid when drinking like I did? Why can they drink beer everyday but they're not alcoholics yet? And how long before they will become alcoholic?