Lola23

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I wanted to share a little about myself and then have some questions.

I've been coming to this site on and off for a few months, just reading and trying to figure out what I want to do.

About myself: mid 30's single woman. Started drinking in college, maybe a tiny bit before, but within the "normal" time frame. Had bouts of crazy going out nights with friends through college and for years after with groups of friends, all young professionals. Even though it was definitely "excessive" at times, it never felt out of hand....everyone was kinda doing the same thing. I would have a crap hangover one/two days out of the week that I nursed with lots of water and sweating it out at the gym if I could. I was very physically active, ran a lot, happy with my body. So all normal seeming.

The problem for me seemed to begin sometime 3-4 years ago. The amount I was drinking increased to a few nights a week, mostly at home alone with a few glasses of wine, escalating to mostly an entire bottle and quickly escalating from there to two. Flash forward to today, and I drink every day, at least a bottle but most of the time two. Also started adding vodka to the mix last year. The last time I went a day without drinking was the day before Thanksgiving, when I was with my parents and there was nothing in the house. That was a rough day.

Drinking for me now begins when I leave work, whether that's 3pm b/c I left early, or 9pm b/c I left late. Either way, I drink until I go to sleep (ie, pass out on my couch), and wake up in a fog. Weekends, I generally am just drinking all day.

These past few days though have been extremely bad. The combination of working from home for a few days + a long weekend meant that I basically drank all day from Thursday afternoon until last night. Vodka first thing in the morning. I think one day I even woke up at 2am b/c I had passed out at 9, and started just drinking until 6 or 7am and then went back to sleep for a 'nap'. My behaviour has really left me scared and I know I need help.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I've finally decided I need to put this down in writing so its there.

Few questions (I know noone is a professional, just based on your experience):

--is mostly everyone on this site completely giving up alcohol?
--is there any method of moderation that seems to work for people?
--is this escalation for me in the last few years 'normal' based on what you've seen here?
--I believe that some of my drinking has to do with self medicating for anxiety, depression and general lonliness. But is this different than being an alcoholic?

Thanks - any thoughts would be appreciated.

least

Yes, mostly everyone here is set on giving up alcohol completely. Many of us have tried to moderate and failed miserably.

I too medicated my depression and anxiety with wine. But that doesn't make me less of an alcoholic.

Alcoholism is progressive. It will always get worse. You're smart to want to stop now.

There's a lot of support here. Use it to help yourself stop drinking for good. You won't regret it.

JustSarah

Hi Lola - I am back on this site as of today - I gave up alcohol for 3 months in the summer and then attempted to drink 'moderately' the problem is that if you have an issue with alcohol from my experience there is no option for moderation - it gets out of hand pretty quickly - It's scary as hell to think you'll never have another drink again but for me that's where I need to start. And I'm starting that today. Do you have any ideas on how you will quit drinking? Is there any new activities you could do after work? Like maybe go to the gym? I wish you all the best with this

sugarbear1

--is mostly everyone on this site completely giving up alcohol?

Yes and/or other substances

--is there any method of moderation that seems to work for people?

I tried to moderate for years, there is no point in moderation for me. Total abstinence is awesome!

--is this escalation for me in the last few years 'normal' based on what you've seen here? Alcoholism is progressive.

For me, alcoholism is not being able to live without drinking.

--I believe that some of my drinking has to do with self medicating for anxiety, depression and general lonliness. But is this different than being an alcoholic?

That is why I drank. Fear ruled my life. Alcohol once helped me to relax, and somewhere along the way it turned on me, I crossed some invisible line and that alcohol that had helped me started to create more anxiety, depression and loneliness!

Stick around here and read on the forums, come to the chat room and talk with us there, too!

Glad you found SR!

Odelle

Ditto all the above, think about it, would you be drinking like you are now if you were able to control it?

KateL

Hi Lola. I have given up alcohol and cannot moderate at all, I tried for years until the penny dropped x

melhalo

I agree with what everyone is saying. have you come to realize that you are powerless over your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable? it is in that first step that we admit we are helpless and that we cannot do this alone. Thank God we don't have too!

phoebe64

Welcome Lola.

You will find a lot fo help here. I also am not successful with moderation. Anytime I have tried to have "just a glass or two of wine" I pretty much have the whole bottle. And a hangover.

I might add, that that amount of alcohol is also very hard on your body.

I hope you stick around.

Lola23

Thanks everyone. Like I said, I'm just figuring out what I want to do. Today I'm going back to work after pretty much a 5 day binge and I'm terrified about how I'm going to feel in a few hours. The worst part is that I had a major assignment that was due yesterday and I pretty much just blew it off. I has intended to work on it since Thursday and each day I basically just said to myself "tomorrow" and started drinking which gave me the courage to blow it off. Now I have no choice but to complete it today and I'm hoping I can make my brain function.

Another question I had -- what did you tell your friends about your decision to stop drinking? For some people, I'm sure many of your family/friends knew about your problem. For me...being single, living alone..I pretty much have been able to hide the amount I've been drinking from everyone. My friends that I go out with, they see me drinking the same amount as everyone else...they don't know that I had a few strong drinks before going out in order to not seem like I'm sucking down 2 vodka sodas in the span of their one (which is what I would want to do if I didn't have a few ahead of time).

I've casually brought up in conversations that I want to take a break from drinking...try to not drink for a few weeks. Usually the response is "yea, I should do that too. But sometimes I just want a glass of wine when I come home from work, you know?" I just nod and pretend to agree...and of course not mention that my "glass" is a bottle and 1/2, or 1/2 a liter of vodka.

Another question (I'm sorry, I'm full of them) - what about my physical health. The amount that I've been drinking, does it make sense to get some sort of physical? I had one about a year ago, and of course, lied about how much I was drinking...I don't know that they did anything other than just regular tests. Would something like liver damage show up?

Lola23

BTW - someone asked if maybe I could do something else in the evenings to distract myself, like the gym...that's one of the problems....I usually feel so crappy I can't possibly go to the gym. Its been over a year and I have the weight gain to prove it.

3 years ago, I was an avid runner and completed several 1/2 marathons, other smaller races, and thought about a marathon. Now I'm just a lump. Ugh.

LadyinBC

Yup 5 day binges were my norm near the end with a day off here and there. Tried moderating and nope didn't work. I would just end up drinking even more. I literally cannot stop once I start. It was like water to me.

I have totally given up alcohol and I will never beable to drink again. If I went back to it, I would pick up where I left off. It wouldn't be one drink, it would be a couple of bottles. I think it would kill me if I went back, I don't think I would be able to recover from it. It would literally kill my soul.

FamilyMan2153

Lola, your story is similar to mine and thousands of others. The process of admitting and accepting your an alcoholic is very tough as you know. Once I made that admission there was no turning back. When I first had to admit I could not drink again it was like this huge mountain was in front of me. How the hell am I going to deal with that. It is very scray and your mind races. What if I do this or do that. What if. What if!! Try to take it a little at a time. Get through your work day and night. I too have anxiety and drank to hide or cover it up or thought that it made it go away. It got worse. At the end I was on so much medication and drinking right through it. Once I got sober a lot of that went away but that is the future. Lets just try to work on today. Hang in there.

JustSarah

Hi Lola - start small - the main thing is that you start - you'll find you have a lot of time when you no longer drink - it can be quite daunting initially and boring - Jeeze I really struggled with the boredom so you have to fill the time - start walking, reading whatever occupies you. You can do this though - we all can if we want it bad enough good luck