Garandguy762

This has to be it. The other morning I drank warm vodka I keep hidden under the sink from my wife. This was before I brushed my teeth. I feel only shame. I have been lying and hiding in the dark. I have never been in control of my drinking. I feel and look like hell all the time now. I retch in the middle of the night. I have panic attacks daily. This is no life.

Yesterday was my last drink. I will lose everything if I do not stop. I will lose my wife if I can't beat this. I have neglected her the love she gives me every single day. But I must do this for me. Not one more day like it was. I have made my plan. Only I can do this.

Garen

Welcome Garandguy,

Today is my day 1, also. I've tried and failed in the past several times. Need to start making some changes in my life.

We can do it, I know we can.

IOAA2

Congratulations with getting honest with yourself, it's a big #1 for recovery. My war cry is "if we don't pick up the first drink we don't have to try to get sober AGAIN."
Keep coming and get well.

ImperfectlyMe

Welcome Garand!

firstymer

Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here with us. I hope you will post often.

Good luck.

lovingit

Howdy neighbor! Seems as though you've been thinking about this for a while, seeing your join date.

Garandguy762

My god, almost 8 years since I have known I have a problem. I am so desperate to be sober, I won't make it another 8 like this.

alphaomega

Good for you for recognizing its time !

One of my favorite lines in recovery - If not now, when ?

Welcome.

least

I hope our support can help you stay sober for good this time.

zeppodog

I'm only a bit over two months sober but I can tell you that you will feel so much better if you stick with it. The first week is the toughest and then you just can't take that first drink. I sign in on the 24 hour club here everyday just so I make that commitment to staying sober everyday. Good luck and don't give up.

Garandguy762

I have been reading many threads here and if someone could just post what seemed to help them the most no matter how tiny, I think that would help me. I am at my end, it has to stop today.

alphaomega

Days like you are having today is what was my final tipping point. I simply could not live another day in agony.

The great news is, you never have to feel this way again. But give yourself permission to really feel today. And then know that there is a whole different world waiting for you tomorrow on the sober side.

Be well dear one.

doggonecarl

Have you given thought to a medically supervised detox and some form of inpatient rehab?

Eight years is a long time to struggle. Do whatever it takes, with as much help as it takes.

Stomper

You can do this Garandguy. You are worth it. Take one day at a time and things will get better for you. It's good that you made the decision to return to SR. We are all here for you.

ryanvandrake

It is a battle that takes place on the razor's edge, it takes place by the nano second, by seconds, by minutes, by hours. It is admitting powerlessness by the second, by the minute, by the hour. It is finding strength in the admission that we indeed are powerless. Alcohol is not the adversary, we are.

I find that it is through these first six words in the steps - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - That one can find more strength in themselves than they ever believed possible!!! It is in that personal and earnest admission that the struggle to win over ourselves, to defeat that part of us that reaches out for the empty promise that hides in every bottle we stretch our hand towards can be defeated. We loose the battle (admit powerlessness) to win the war.

Each time we stretch our hand towards the bottle actually or figuratively there is another battle being fought inside the war, and each nano second, second, minute and hour provides us the opportunity to utilize the strength of Step 1 to win the war..... do not be mistaken the battles are never ending..... but our victory can be achieved!!!!!

Rickh54

My Family
If I lose them, I am dead!

Hearts

I was in the hospital and a nurse said with such GRAVITY, "You're here because you have parents who love you. If you don't stop, you WILL lose them. You will lose EVERYTHING". I haven't been perfect since then. Far from it, but that really sticks out in my mind over anything else.

Dee74

I didn't want to die Garandguy.

do you have a plan for going forward and staying sober?

D

ReadyAndAble

OK, here's my tiny bit: Don't think of it in terms of giving up alcohol. Think of it in terms of getting back all the things that alcohol took from you. Freedom and self-respect were at the top of my list. Your addiction will twist things around, make you focus on the absence of alcohol. But it's not a sacrifice at all, because by the time we reach the point of quitting, drinking is a cold, lonely, tedious chore. The good times are long gone. Pain, regret, guilt, shame—we're just letting go of the bad stuff, and moving toward the good stuff.

It took me months to realize that, to make that mental shift, but once I did, the journey became a lot easier.

You're going to be really glad you did this!

Nonsensical

My top 2:

1. I am not alone. There are people out there (and here on SR) who know first hand the self-revulsion that comes with sneaking a swig from a warm, hidden vodka bottle.

2. I am not my addiction. I have an addiction. Seems like semantics, but it has made a huge difference to me. By viewing my addiction as a separate entity I can give it boundaries and limits. It is no longer big and scary and all powerful. It is actually stupid and clumsy and without virtue. In fact, I think I'll go put it back in its box and plug the air hole for a while. It hates that.

You can do this.