day 2 - back to hell
 

not sure why i picked up that first drink after months of sobriety again.
it is however in the past right now.
today it's depression, anxiety, panic attacks and general suffering.

i can't say that i drank for days straight, but i certainly didn't take it easy this weekend.

even an amount of alcohol that would be a "joke" for me before, sent me way over the edge. another seizure and mild DT's sunday night and sweating like crazy, literally soaked in sweat tonight.

i've been trying to figure out what would cause me to behave this way well knowing the end result?
i had no unfortunate events or any major triggers... i felt great.
it is almost like a self-sabotage behavior, where i feel good for a quite a long time, and that's not me. i apparently need some misery in my life. just last week i was driving home from the gym full of joy and in a very upbeat mood. (thought to myself, that it's almost too to good to be true).

so i'm back again, my friends. please reassure me that i can do this again.
i'm losing faith.
and the depression is really making me almost suicidal. the thought had crossed my mind more than once.

:react

You CAN do this - well done for coming back onto SR so soon!!

Hope you feel loads better, very soon :) Xx

No need to be suicidal. What happened, happened and there's no changing it. It's in the past so don't worry too much about it.
Sounds like you've been through the wringer. I went through that way of life, if you can call it living, for many years.
Laying in bed going through the D. T.'s, the fear and anxiety. Then thinking how I was never going to drink again, only to go through the whole cycle again as soon as I felt better.

You can get sober again. Just remember how you've felt the last few days and remember you never have to feel that way again if you don't take that first drink.

Best to you.

The Big Book of AA explains that baffling behavior this way:

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

good quote, thanks doggonecarl... yes the pain of detox and initial recovery is forgotten too easily. perhaps for a good reason, but it also leaves us with a fall sense of security.... this time might be different. eh. one drink who cares?

(well, we know better than that. but after a long time of sobriety it's so hard to connect to my alcoholic nature. that person is so far gone i can't fathom that i would ever put myself thought such misery. yet the opposite is always true).

So far gone before you drink...two days away once you do.

Memories fade but the fact remains, we stay alcoholics.

I had to truly believe that any thoughts of drinking, no matter how long it's been since I've drank, is the insanity of this affliction called alcoholism. That's why I work my recovery every day. Because I am only one day away from being that person I was before I quit.

I have had several relapses due to this very thing. It comes on so suddenly and is so strong, like a lightning bolt that strikes close by...and as bad as I dont want to drink...I still do. I can be on top of the world one second and loving my sobriety and then...BAMM!!!!..next second, I'am in "Drink Mode". :react I can choose not to all the day...but "it" always wins when I'am in this condition. :gaah

Dave :headbange

I'm glad you're back trying again. :)

I'm glad you're back, too.

I know that self-sabotage played a role in my recovery. I finally realized that I had to believe I deserved a good life. We all do.

You CAN and WILL succeed again! This time you will just be that much more determined to stay sober! Best of luck, and just know that you are strong, and that happy, upbeat mood you were in, is just around the corner! And it will be there to stay this time!

thanks all.
a little support goes a long way. i feel a little less desperate knowing that each hour is bringing me closer back to my sober life. which i do honestly enjoy a lot more than drinking.

i need to add more tools, although i've made drastic positive changes in my life. i'd like to find a good addiction counselor in my area. i tried working with one in the past, but did not feel that i've made the right connection with that person.
i'll keep looking....

we can all be cured from addiction. the key is inside of us, just need to find a way to permanently unlock the door to sobriety.

thanks. i can be very stubborn when i need to be. :)

unfortunately it works both for my sobriety, as well as against it...

Sounds like me. Some days I get through just by gritting my teeth and forging onward. The stubborn streak shows then. But it took me forever to get the point that I wanted to get sober because I stubbornly refused to want to quit.

Glad you are back.

I appreciated you post more than you know serious. If you got through it, That gives me hope than I can do it too. And guess what, you got through that night. So did I. Take another 24 with me please? It's gonna get better and you can do this.

Sounds like alcoholism to me. I can relate very closely. Alcohol has always been my best friend. It whispers to me.

This time, I'm going to learn to whisper back. I honestly see no other option for me but AA which is damn scary right now on day 2... I don't particularly care for groups. But statistically, AA is the most successful (from what I've read on the subject).

Never give up. It is a journey that we all take. Every day that you are sober, is a day closer to your goal. Take what you learned from the last time and build on it. You will only get stronger. It was only a bump in the road.