My marriage needs alcohol My #1 trigger was that I drank so I could have uninhibited sex with my husband. Even if I didn't want to drink I would start on Friday night so that I could give him weekly sex. Then I would think "nope, not drunk enough to want to have sex" and would just keep drinking til I didn't even remember the sex the next day. I know we probably need to go see a sex therapist or marriage counselor or something but I'm worried my marriage will suffer now that I don't drink. My husband and I are sexually incompatible and used alcohol to remedy that. The rest of our marriage is great though. The day I quit drinking I pretty much told him we have a problem and that we really need to look at our future together. We have two kids together. I've never told anyone this. Not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe someone has a similar problem??? |
Hi Danica...We're you sexually incompatible when you married or is it more recent than that? |
Welcome to SR :) I'm not sure if thats the only time you drink or not, but I think there's probably a better way to deal with the base problem rather than just attacking the symptoms, Danica? Have you thought of counselling? either couples counselling or singularly? D |
Hiya Danica :-) It's interesting that you say your marriage will suffer now that you don't drink , when in reality it was suffering whilst you were drinking re the fact you needed to drink to be uninhibited. You have 2 kids together , you obviously love each other , you just need a little help to feel normal again ,post alcohol. Put it this way . If you are worried your husband wont love you anymore cos you aren't putting out like you did drunk , well then he's not much of a husband is he ? I'm sure he will love the new you , when you can actually demonstrate your love sober . Perhaps counselling could help , if that's up your Alley . You sound like a very honest person , he's lucky to have you ;-) Good luck xx |
Originally Posted by SnoozyQ
(Post 4421837)
Hiya Danica :-) If you are worried your husband wont love you anymore cos you aren't putting out like you did drunk , well then he's not much of a husband is he ? xx |
I'm sure that couples therapy certainly couldn't hurt - you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Why not give that a try. |
Danica, It's wonderful that you stopped drinking, but I can understand your concerns. When we get sober it does affect relationships and we can't always tell how it's going to shake out. Given a little time on both sides things become clearer and they are often better than expected, but not knowing is always scary. If it's feasible for you to find a therapist, it might be helpful to talk this situation out, perhaps alone first, to help you sort through things and gain a little clarity yourself. Depending on your relationship with your husband, it might help to let him know that you understand sobriety had different effects on people's sex lives, and you want to keep things alive in your marriage and think therapy might help. So he knows you are caring and committed. I know I wanted to know how all my life issues and relationships would shake out in early recovery. But it took some time to even start to feel like I had a clue who I was. I learned to do the next right thing, and trust the process...and it's not always easy. I'm glad you came here and brought this up, I think it's less scary when we can talk to others and not just sit with our fears spinning in our own head. hugs. |
Oldselfagain , I'm saying this from a woman's perspective and reading between the lines . My post wasn't to make false assumptions at all . It was meant to be uplifting to the OP and supportive . Read it again . |
I 100% know where you are coming from. For me one (of the many reasons) I drank was so that I could feel that space where my mind was free and I allowed by body to feel waht it was going to feel and enjoy it. I will be the first to tell you that sober sex is very different then drunk sex. The good news is that it does get better! It took me a good six months sober to get the haze out of my eyes, to not feel bitter about being sober, and to understand what my husbands needs and wants are. It isn't easy but in the end it is very well worth it. I promise it does get better. Give yourself the time you need to clear you head and your heart. Find out what you like and to give yourself to your marriage both body and soul. Good luck! |
I'm not a marriage counselor, but I can't imagine myself in a marriage in which my wife had to get blackout drunk to have sex and then this is also true:
Originally Posted by DanicaB
(Post 4421760)
The rest of our marriage is great though. Best of Luck! |
In saying alcohol is needed to have sex and without sex a healthy marriage can then not be maintained. I'd come to the natural conclusion that a healthy marriage is already being damaged by the reliance on alcohol. The fear of what would happen with alcohol out of the picture, is more of a symptom of the addiciton, and the real root cause that needs to be dealt with, rather than abstienance being the problem!! I'm sure with the right support and advice though you can get through this!! :) |
Originally Posted by SnoozyQ
(Post 4421915)
Oldselfagain , I'm saying this from a woman's perspective and reading between the lines . My post wasn't to make false assumptions at all . It was meant to be uplifting to the OP and supportive . Read it again . |
Danica, This is a hurdle a lot of marriages need to get over. Many, many, many of us throw our lot in with partners we love but we bring our own unresolved issues and push them down for as long as we can stand it. Alcoholics drink them away and I think it prolongs and complicates the problems because they don't get the direct acknowledgement and attention they deserve. If it's possible, see a therapist. I would see someone on your own first, who specializes in addiction. What you are going through is very common. Removing alcohol brings a lot of things it was masking to the surface and support to work through them is never a bad thing. It will take time and work, but it CAN get better. |
I've had this problem with my bf. It took time from me to go from sober (in the past) to comfortable opening up and being sexual with him. My method was to just do it anyways. The sex brought us closer together emotionally so that I was able to feel safe around him again. Then, I was able to enjoy it like a regular person. I don't know if that's good advice for your situation but it works for me. |
Originally Posted by Oldselfagain
(Post 4421865)
I think perhaps you're jumping to conclusions. I didn't see anywhere in Danica's post that she was worried about her husband not loving her anymore for, as you so eloquently put it, "aren't putting out like you did drunk". Let's not jump to conclusions or make false assumptions. |
Originally Posted by DanicaB
(Post 4421760)
I know we probably need to go see a sex therapist or marriage counselor or Mountainman |
i can empathise i am going through the same situation. i am not married but have been with m y boyfriend for over a year and lately feel he has no interest in me. i drink to try and be more exciting and motivated as when im sober i usually hide in my room and do nothing. Fridays we will always drink and our relationship is great, we laugh, have great sex and cuddle all night. This has made me crave a normal relationship but to be honest if you havto drink to have these feelings, its a dead end! i hate to admit this but i do need a drink these days to relax and not worry about my failing relationship. i prey we both have the strenght to feel loved without being intoxicated :) |
Let me see if I can share and not write a book about it. :) I now think it's a book... :) I had no idea I was an alcoholic when I walked down the isle in 1982. I married with a horrible hangover, yet I made thru it. However, there was no way I would enjoy champaign on our honeymoon. :( I married and wanted kids right away, even tho my husband was in college and money would be an issue. I didn't care. Selfishly I wanted something to fill in some sort of void. Something I was lacking. Love, care, understanding. My husband and I had 2 wonderful, smart, talented, loving kids who are now grown, college degreed, carreers, married and living their own lives. For my husband and I, our married ended civilly at 25 yrs. Today both of us have remarried. When we hit our 7th or 8th yr marriage, I was already and at home mom, raising 2 little one while my husband went to school and worked full time. I hid my drinking very well and no one ever suspected I had a problem with it. Neither did I even when I wanted to go out with the girls night out to clubs. For me, what I seemed to be lacking at home, recognition for my role as a full time mom, communication, understanding....I wanted to be noticed, attention, and even tho I was in their way, it wasn't enough. Seems as tho I was never satisfied. Never, never never. So I looked for attention, love, care in all the wrong places with who knows who. Sure I played my card well and was cautious, carefull, picky, I enjoyed the night life, the excitement, the mystery, playing the women of the night. However, it came with a cost. Consequences. I lied. I was dishonest. I committed adultery and the more I drank to numb my feelings, the more I felt horrible. Ashammed. Full of guilt. Remorse. Feb. 1990, I hit a culvert sitting on top the ground coming home at 2 in the morning from a club. EMS was called and I was rushed to the hospital and don't even remember the ride there. I spent 10 days with my spleen removed and numerous broken ribs and contusions. Did that stop me from drinking. Well from Feb to Aug. I healed very well with pills and no alcohol. However, August 1990, when I was better, I ventured out again to return home safely but to another argument and then a dare to end my selfish, failure of a wife. The attempt failed thank God, because He wasn't thru with me yet. Family intervention took place and I spent 28 days in rehab to learn about my addiction to Alcohol and receive tools and knowledge to carry me thru life living without alcohol. I carried a lot of resentments from my childhood into my marriage which I used alcohol to numb. Verbal, physical, emotional abuse at the hands of a beautiful, functioning, sick mother who used alcohol and many meds mixed which turned her into a Dr. Jeckly/Mr. hyde personality. My parents had 4 kids and I was the one singled out. Anyway.....My dad always consoled me and always told me to forgive her for she was sick and didn't really know what she was doing to me. In my adult life, Im pretty sure I was looking for men who were like my dad, kind, understanding, hard working, pillar of the community. And even tho my husband was smart and kind, maybe I wanted him all to myself and it just didn't happen. It wasn't that he wasn't good in the sex dept. because that was as should be. He was a good dad, son, all the fine qualities a man could have and yet he didn't give me what I so desperately needed. When I entered recovery in 1990, over the years I began to change and grow in a different way. I now had recovery tools to incorporate in my everyday life and recovery became extremely important to me. The family supported me in the way they wanted me to do whatever I needed to do to stay sober while they all continued on their happy way in life. They did, never skipping a beat. Me, I was still very miserable and yet I prayed and cried and felt lonely especially when we relocated to Houston when I was 7 yrs sober. I connected here online and held on tight with my recovery and the kids grew up and moved out. Here I thought my husband and I would grow stronger, and it never happened. 25 yrs married and I wanted to be home here in Baton Rouge. He didn't. My prayers were answered and I returned home about 7 yrs ago. Within that time, we divorced peacefully and God placed a man in my life, I met at a meeting and we eventually got married. This happened because I believe God didn't want me to go from man to man trying to find love that way and He blessed me with this wonderful man, who lost his wife of 35yrs. to illness. I had to be patient. Work my recovery program accordingly, and leave the rest to the Man upstairs. It all has worked out in my life thus so far the way it is suppose to be. And I have no regrets. I cant say what if this would have happened or not in my marriage, but I learned that in order for a marriage to work when one person in it is sick with addiction, which affects the intire family unit, that the entire family should seek recovery with programs available to each, in order for them to become healthy and happy. My marriage failed because it lacked understanding, communication and honesty. February 14th, Valentines Day will mark my new husband and I's 5th wedding anniversary built on trust, understanding, communication and total honesty. And that's how it has worked for me. :) |
sex.... like so many other things in our lived.... must be re-learned in recovery. Our brains become rewired and our bodies respond differently and we wake up to new forms and levels of arousal, just as we attune to things that we realize "we" never really liked but instead found sexual becuase of our haze of drugs or alcohol.... there are some good books out there on this topic.... :) |
Danica, Sex is not something I've had problems with personally, but spoke with many others that did and read lots of stories... I would agree with those that suggested seeking out help from a therapist who could help you unwrap the underlying problems. I think in most similar cases it's deeper than the drug or alcohol abuse problem of one partner or both, or even simple interpersonal incompatibility (although the latter can be important factor!). Often these problems tend to be related to old insecurities that may even get repressed with time so it's not that easy to dissect them alone or even with the best intimate partner or friend. This is where counseling can be helpful with an independent observer. |
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