SlickRick07

I visit this site daily, but don't always post. I like to use it to remind myself of why I try to stay sober. But, I've been off of it lately. I've convinced myself that I don't have a problem. And yet, I plan my drinking days. At this rate, I don't think I'm ever going to truly quit drinking. It fills a void in my life. I'm somewhat unhappy, but not when I drink. Just doing some thinking out loud and voicing frustrations. Alcohol has already ruined my career once, but that wasn't enough to make me quit. I know that I will never quit until I truly want to, I just don't know what to fill that void with.

FreeOwl

what other things do you like to do Rick? What things have you dreamed of but never done? When you've been drinking, feeling good, making big plans (oh, c'mon... you know you have...) what were those plans? How many have you actually worked to make real?

Maybe that last bit was off base and even antagonistic - but it was from a place of good intent, so I hope I didn't **** you off.

What I'm getting at here is that you're saying "I have a problem, I know I have a problem, but I don't really want to do anything about it yet because the pain of the problem has yet to become painful enough to get me to the point I'm totally convinced that I will do anything to be rid of it".

Oh the terrible truth that we all know so well and that some of us have ridden into the depths until we were so far down there we'd almost rather die than give it up.... I hope you don't have to get that deep, Rick.

Maybe you could make a list of things that you might be even remotely interested in filling the void with. Maybe you could make some small changes and start pursuing some of those things. Maybe you could do that while committing to come on here daily. Maybe you could even get yourself to an AA meeting or two because; it can't hurt and maybe it could save your life.

These are all just ideas - but it sounds to me like you're letting "Slick" do more of your thinking than Rick.

Slick isn't your friend Rick.... he wants you to give it all to alcohol.

SlickRick07

Thanks for taking the time reply Freeowl. I've dreamed about a lot of things, unfortunately, I constantly convince myself that I don't have a problem. I'm attending University and hold a 4.0 GPA. That is after I was kicked out of the USAF for drinking. I spend most of my time trying to convince people and myself that I'm not a piece of ****. But, I feel like it a lot of the time. I go to the gym 5x a week and am currently dieting down. I tell myself I'm not an alcoholic b/c of these things. But, I know deep down, that I am. I use alcohol to cover up the pain of the past and to cover up my loneliness. I know I'm going to get told that all the advice in the world isn't going to save me if I don't want it. And they are right.

DoPerdition

I am at the same point as far as what to fill the void with. Oddly right now I fill it with planning my sobriety instead of my drinking. If I have to I will watch cat videos for hours to get through cravings. Once I am more established in my sobriety I will look for new ways to pass the time but for now, letting time pass sober is enough.

Best of luck!

Dee74

Hi Rick

what happens tho when, like me, drinking no longer makes you happy and you also find that all those things you're managing now, in spite of your drinking, will get harder and harder to manage...what happens when you lose things that you hold dear?

All those things get more and more likely to happen the longer you drink.

It's not a boogyman story - it's my story.

Drinking might fill a void, for now - but the void always wants more, right?

ever thought of actually *healing* the void, Rick?

D

Hearts

Rick, it's so easy to forget how bad it feels to fall back into the alcohol trap. My plan is to remind myself daily and constantly that I am an alcoholic until I have some serious sobriety time under my belt. Your GPA is awesome but alcoholism only gets worse, not better, and can still take that away.

SlickRick07

Everyone is right. What I cherish as an accomplishment is going to be thrown away if I don't get my drinking under control. I'm just so lonely, and it hurts me quite a bit. I've tried AA, but I live in a small town (population 5,000) and there is nobody I can relate to there. They are in a much older age group, and most of them are simply court ordered to be there.

SlickRick07

All of my friends have moved on with their lives (kids or girlfriends). When I'm not at school, studying, or work, I spend my time staring up at the ceiling.

Hearts

Could you get a pet? Honestly, I don't know if that's even a good suggestion for you but my cat is huge for comfort. It wasn't fun cleaning his hairball off the floor while I was having minor hangover/ withdrawal symptoms but he's probably helped me a ton in reality.

SlickRick07

No, I wish I could. My current living situations prevent that. Honestly, this is just me voicing frustration, and I'm not going to change anything. I appreciate you caring and trying to help. But, I don't think there is any helping me.

CAPTAINZING2000

Well I'm reading what you wrote. What part of drinking is making your life real good? I came crawling thru the doors of aa with my chin dragging the floor totally beat up an I wondered how I was going to have fun with out drinking? How stupid I was, the drinking wasn't any fun any more I was only lying to myself

Notimetoloose

Gandhi said "The purpose of life is to have a lifes purpose."
I always liked that alot.

What you describe about using alcohol to cover up your pain and loneliness is common amongst lots of us....I know that discontent..well.

If fulfillment came at the end of a bottle these forums and groups would not exist.

What is it that you like or are interested in? How do you visualise your ideal future? Are there people that could use your help....perhaps start there.

KateL

I feel your pain and I know that drinking makes it worse. Studying is good, it can give you a good future, I would put my all into that just now and build on it later xxxxx

Dee74

Rick - if you want change you need to make changes.
There's no short cuts there.

You are far from being beyond help, but you have to want to help yourself first I think.

D

DanicaB

Start a vitamin regiment and maybe look into yoga and meditation. Make perfect health a goal. I always was pretty on top of my health and just accepted that getting drunk on the weekends and suffering through hangovers was a part of my life that I had to try to compensate for through the week with healthy choices. But now I realize I can actually achieve optimal health without the weekend booze fests. It's given me something to focus on, but ya, I don't feel so great mentally yet. Hopefully mental health will follow physical health eventually.

nigey1

Yeh Rick nothing changes if nothing changes ,if u know what I mean.

For what its worth you are way ahead of some of us here who couldn't even admit we had problems when we knew full well we did. You are half way there you just need to jump that next step.

Why cant things change. Momentum, moving forward, change is what life is all about. Nothing stays the same, think about it.

Maybe read a positive thinking type book. Just a suggestion.

EndGameNYC

I don't know...When I first met the void, it didn't come from the heavens, from an indifferent universe; it came from me. Since I created it, I could also do something about it. Or so I told myself. Drinking brings me to a place where I just don't care about the void until I learn to become attached to it. It's truly the only thing I have that is both "safe" and familiar to me when I'm drinking. In that way it's extremely difficult to surrender the void. Who bought this booze, and is it not to fill something I empty of myself? How can I fill something that can't be filled? That doesn't have borders, boundaries or limits?

So when I drink, the void becomes everything to me. It's the only "place" I can be when I drink. It's everywhere and nowhere. And the more I drink, the more the void expands and consumes me, and the more lovingly I embrace it. That first sip, that first drink, that first burn, that first rush all bring me back to the place I know and love best. I don't grow weary of the void, if only because it drives and sustains my drinking. It's my partner, my soul mate.

What I don't at first notice or acknowledge when I'm drinking is that my health, my life, my very being are decomposing all around me, so smitten I am by the void in our honeymoon phase. Later, when I allow myself to be privy to all the destruction, I cease caring my partner's abusive ways. It's part of me, and it's the price I pay for all the comfort that the void provides. No matter that I'm unemployed and unemployable, penniless, homeless and dying. The void will take care of everything in its own way, and I'm good with that. Suicide by dread.

From another perspective, there is no void. There is only alcohol. Since nothing other than alcohol exists for me in any meaningful way, I drink. I drink and my life means again. This meaning is so valuable to me that I don't mind losing most everything and everyone dear to me in life. Paradoxically, all of these people and things are no longer dear to me by virtue of my drinking. In the end, they're only collateral damage, casualties of my distorted and misplaced quest for meaning; my quest to be without feeling, to be alive without the annoying risks that come with living. I don't care about anything but my drinking, because to care is to risk loss, hurt and rejection, all of which brought me to drink in the first place. The only thing I have left to agonize over is losing my ability to drink.

Striving to live a better life means nothing to me, since I already live in the best of all possible worlds. Who's better than me? I've cheated the indifferent universe by forging my own meaning, my own reason, not to live, but to engage death on my terms. And I am sooooooo different from everyone else, from all those other people who don't know any better. No longer a slave to reality, anything is possible, particularly things I would "never do." And boy oh boy did I "never do" them, with all the passive, listless and disenchanted enthusiasm that an active alcoholic can muster.

Getting sober for me was no easier than it has been and will be for anyone else. All I had to do was give up my identity as a drinker, change my drinking behaviors, realign my thinking so as to make it more congruent with my truer self, make a commitment not to drink no matter what, make a leap of faith that there was a better way for me, and help others. I mean, who has the time?

least

After I got sober for good I started finding lots of things to 'fill the void' left by drinking. Now I can't imagine myself drinking at all as it would wreck the good life I have. I hit my bottom and don't want to do it again.

I hope we can help you get sober for good.