ClearMind

Hi everyone,

So I've been more less sober for about 3 months now, aside from 3 separate "slip-ups" (I'll call them slip-ups and not relapses to make myself feel better about them).

From the material I've been reading, I've been able to find out that the process of slipping up (okay, relapsing) begins in advance of the actual drinking. For example, a certain thing happens and then in your brain you feel "trapped" and helpless, and this is when you pursue your addictive act, either consciously or subconsciously.

Well, the problem for me is that I've noticed that this "moment" happens when I am planning get-togethers with my closest family members. I come from a family of moderate to heavy drinkers, and in order to "get together", drinking is just what we do. For example, if my cousin suggests "Come on over to watch the hockey game?", it immediately starts a panic in my head that I will have to drink during during the game and I begin to feel anxiety and panic. This actually happened - I went to his place with the full intention of not drinking, but of course I caved in and ended up drinking.

The exact same situation happened the other two times I slipped up. My parents invited me over to hang out, watch concerts, and stuff like that. It's generally what they do - drink. I had the same reaction when having the initial conversation planning to "hang out" in a few nights time. I think the path towards my addictive act (drinking) started during these conversations, and then I went into panic mode afterwards until I went through with the planned thing and of course, ended up drinking.

I don't really know what to do. I guess I could try not putting myself in those positions anymore, at least until I'm further along in my sobriety. It's obvious I can't handle being in those situations and not drinking. I feel great otherwise, I never have the desire to drink when I'm alone (which is what I usually did when I was drinking), and I never proactively try to plan nights out where drinking will be involved. I just feel like I cave in too easily. It's not easy.

Thanks for listening.

Mags1

Hi ClearMind, it's good to know your triggers, you can strive to avoid them, perhaps.

Anything was a trigger for me, bad day, good day, happy, sad, wind blowing in wrong direction, anything.

Keep visiting SR it really helps, when you get in any situation you feel out of control. There's always someone to listen , talk to, learn from their experiences.

ClearMind

Thanks Mags,

I think it may have to do with the fact that I don't want to disappoint anybody. I didn't really fit in through school, and I guess I just blended in without really making much of an impact on anybody. I have such a hard time saying "no" when it comes to drinking, maybe subconsciously I feel like these people won't think I'm fun to be around anymore, maybe that reminds me of grade school or something. I don't know. I know I wasn't a fun person to be around when I was a raging drunk either, though.

Mags1

Know what you mean, I was always wanting to please people. I have done things I hate because I haven't wanted to upset people by saying no. It's an easy enough word, 2 letters. My dad always said say no to everything, but I think he was thinking like a man, but I wish I adhered to that small word through my life.

Some people are not going to like us, but most people will.(I read that here on SR once) we don't want to waste our energies on the negative. Do what pleases you. You will feel great after.

I consider myself a bit crazy, funny, wired sense of humour, but guess what, if people don't like it, that's their problem.

Well done on your sober time. x

ClearMind

Thanks Mags! I will take your advice and just say no. I know three people who love that I'm not drinking - my fiancé and two young children. Because I'm no longer a selfish, obsessed father who can only focus on alcohol. I actually spend more quality time with them, which does make me feel good.

ScottFromWI

When you worry about pleasing others vs taking care if your own sobriety, pleasing others generally wins. It's a common misconception that drinking (or not drinking) somehow affects how others perceive us, most really don't care one way or the other.

I have a similar family to you and there is drinking done at our gatherings too. However, there are also those who do not drink, and many who drink very little. We focus on the heavy drinking because its what we know and our alky minds want us to.

Over time it will get better, do any of them know you are trying to be sober?

ClearMind

Good point Scott. None of them really know that I'm trying to get sober because I have a "problem". I don't want that to get out, although I'm sure there are some people who suspect that I have an addiction towards alcohol. I'm a very private person and I'd rather fly under the radar with all of this stuff. I've told people I was quitting alcohol "temporarily" because I'm training to run in a marathon (partially true). My family, being the heavy drinkers that they are, give me the old "I don't like when you're not drinking, you're not as fun" and I generally just try to laugh it off. I really don't like being the center of attention, I'd rather just sit back and not drink and have nobody acknowledge it. I've even gone so far as to consider buying non-alcoholic wine just so it looks like I'm drinking. Crazy, I know.

Mags1

ClearMind, those are the most important people to you.....

'I know three people who love that I'm not drinking - my fiancé and two young children'.

If they are happy...well done.

I was a private person but mainly cos I wanted to keep my drinking secret. I don't talk about my private life to people much, oh except on here, I'm an open book, lol.

ClearMind

It's amazing how honest we can be on these forums, eh Mags?

"Give a man a mask, and he will tell the truth." - Oscar Wilde

doggonecarl

You are finding it hard to say no because you haven't told them you've quit, have you? So what's the thinking. That the relapse isn't your fault, since someone is twisting your arm to drink? By not telling you are leaving yourself an out, non-accountability to remain sober.

Well, you have accountability to yourself. You are either all in or you are not. All in means, "No drinking." Ever.

Mags1

Yes, you're right, honesty is good and important to me and I can be myself, ClearMind, with help and assistance from the family known as SR. Xx

ClearMind

You're right, doggone, I haven't really told anybody I quit. I am not blaming them for my relapses, but at the same time I think you're bang on the money when you say I'm (at least subconsciously) leaving an escape route by not telling them I no longer drink.

I think I will start telling people that I no longer drink. Mags, you're right, it's important to be myself and when it comes to sobriety, put my needs ahead of pleasing others. Ironically, I realize that not being a drunk buffoon will please them more in the long term... funny how that works hahaha.

Thanks for your posts everyone!