Nancy2014

Was high on life for 6 weeks until this past Friday. My brother inlaw and sister came into town overnite. We were catching up and told her why I became sober. She made light of it and felt tempted that night and I smoked a joint with her and a cpl ppl to unwind. They went back home the next morn but I felt depressed and very moody. I went to a meeting Sat nite but was still moody and got into an arguement with hubby Sunday which resulted in me running over his foot accidently as I drove off angry. Thank god he is ok and forgave me. I feel scared and ashamed for reacting that way. I want to be grateful for my kids and him always and not only when I am calm bc life is not always perfect. That was my weekend - I will pray for patience and understanding. I also started a journal last night in hopes of gaining more control over my thoughts and behavior.

I saw somewhere on the site about PAWS I'll have to look in to that. I am starting to get that my thoughts triggered self pity and temptation. And I know I need help!

FreeOwl

you might consider knocking off pot for a while too....

In my experience, when I let that be a part of my life in recovery, I think it contributed to my weakening resolve and made it easier to forget why I chose sobriety.

Though I'd never really felt I had a "problem' with pot and it certainly never led to the dependency or the troubles that alcohol did - I can see how it played a part in making it harder for me to keep alcohol out of my life.

least

I'd be careful about substituting pot for booze. Both bring their own problems into your life.

Congrats on 44 days alcohol free.

EverySngleNight

I relate to FreeOwl a lot on this one. I've never had any issues with pot. It's been around me my entire life. I could take it or leave it, really. It's in my house right now, and I have NO desire whatsoever to smoke it- at ALL! (as an aside; husband offered to throw it out, but it's his decision- not mine. So it will remain in my home until HE himself wants to dispose of it. He's not smoking it, but he's not quite ready to let it go. That needs to fall on him, not me.)

For me, smoking would qualify as a relapse. Not for moral or judgmental reasons!!! For treatment reasons. (I'm not saying that I think YOU relapsed-at all! To each their own- sincerely!) For me, treatment requires an emphasis on learning sober coping skills and sober life skills. I have always used alcohol to deal with life. I'm trying to be comfortable in myself without changing my mental landscape by using anything other than healthy skills. I really want to do this work in a way that's authentic to me.

When I first quit drinking, I was pretty prone to "tantrums" (ugh! not proud, it sucked). AV in full effect!! LOL I worry that if I smoked, it may somehow re-trigger that response and/or cause me some discomfort- EVEN THOUGH it's never been my DOC. There's a part of me that wants to escape- you know? I don't want to feed it.

Will I ever smoke pot in the future? I don't know! But I know that I'm dedicated to attaining the coping/life skills, which I previously lacked. Even though I have not used pot to fill that void in the past, it doesn't mean that I couldn't/wouldn't misuse it going forward. For me, it's not so much about how harmful it is vs. alcohol, as it is about continuing destructive psychological patterns.

Maybe you relate.

I'm glad you haven't given in to drinking, even though you're not feeling your best. See! You're making better choices- 44 days in! I think that's something to be proud of. :-)

FreeOwl

yeah... here's another experience I've had; being sober and smoking pot sometimes gave my alcoholic voice this strange opportunity to step in and murmur.... "well... that's OK... but it's not a BOOZE BUZZ, is it??? This isn't really what we're after.... and you can't go around smoking with friends and enjoying a nice relaxing SMOKE in public.... this isn't the SAME"...

crap like that.

While it wasn't totally at fault, it just seems that it undermined my choice to abstain from alcohol and eventually made it at least a little easier to relapse.

Nancy2014

Thank you all for not judging me and for encouraging me to do the right thing. What I forgot to emphasize on was that after my sis and I talked about my drinking she kind of made light of it (obviously bc she had no clue how bad it got where it became a losing battle for me). This instantly put me back in denial and doubt bc I allowed it (realized it just last night). I also agree with you's that the weed caused the negative ripple effect for sure and decided to steer clear from it. I've been turning to drugs or alcohol to cope with life since I was 13yrs. I would pop 5-10 500mg tylenols after having a fight with my mother and was prob when the bad coping mechanisms began. In high school dealing with a crazy life at home I moved on to weed and drinking till I blacked out or went exorcist on my friends throwing up. Graduating high school I became heavily addicted to presc pills. In college fell in love with booze mixed with cocaine then stopped all besides beers and weed at 30. Had 1st of 3 children at 31. Then 2 yrs ago my mother passed away suddenly at age 50 and I got the worst depression I've ever felt (I always had depression). I have drank the house dry many times after kids and hubby fall asleep and even did coke a cpl times (very ashamed as I have 3 kids that I love soooo much!). I don't drink or drug while pregnant but was always depressed bc I couldn't. On zoloft for 2yrs now and also see a psychologist. All this time I felt weed and drinking were acceptable bc I wasn't getting myself into trouble anymore. My children's futures are very important to me and I want them to live and learn a happy normal life. So at this very moment Everything seems so clear and I pray that this feeling or perception does not change again...pls give advice if you know how to prevent the "stinking thinking"....TMI but I really had to get that all off my chest. It's almost 1am here in Canada and am thinking of my beautiful mom before I sleep - I know she tried her best for the last 20 yrs of her life to make things better and I pray she is at peace.

Nancy

~To moving forward in life!