Facing up to Loneliness
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 78
Facing up to Loneliness
Hi all,
As many of you will relate to I'm sure, abstaining from alcohol ''robs'' us of a once tried and trusted coping mechanism. I haven't had a drink since 2nd Jan, but this has led to an overwhelming feeling of loneliness manifesting itself in my life. Previously, if even if a hint of loneliness or any other negative feeling threatened to surface, I'd wash it straight down my throat and into the abyss with help from my old friend rum. Then the next day I'd throw it back up, thus, eliminating the loneliness.. Genius, no?
Well it seemed that way for a time, it was almost like a ''prevention is better than the cure'' type game. However, I am determined not to drink again because I know how the story ends, but the loneliness is crippling.
I only really have one friend and he's a drinker.
I work out 5 times a week, have a job, and I'm studying. So I do get out. It's a tricky situation because the students I'm studying with are a lot younger than me (I'm 25, and the majority of students on the course I'm taking are 16/17). I'm not patronising in any way shape or form, but I just find it really hard to connect with a lot of them. I appreciate the age gap isn't monumental, but my mind set of hell-bent study to get the grades I desire isn't shared by the majority. Parties are prioritised.
Similarly, at my job, most of the employees are over 50, so they're also just a little bit out of my social range I guess.
I guess I'm just reaching out here because I don't have anyone to talk to.
If anyone has any advice or stories of their own to share that they think may help me out of my funk, I'd appreciate it massively
I'm not really a fan of putting my problems out there so I'm looking at this thread as my own personal journal entry (which may just yield some priceless tips!)
Thank you all.
As many of you will relate to I'm sure, abstaining from alcohol ''robs'' us of a once tried and trusted coping mechanism. I haven't had a drink since 2nd Jan, but this has led to an overwhelming feeling of loneliness manifesting itself in my life. Previously, if even if a hint of loneliness or any other negative feeling threatened to surface, I'd wash it straight down my throat and into the abyss with help from my old friend rum. Then the next day I'd throw it back up, thus, eliminating the loneliness.. Genius, no?
Well it seemed that way for a time, it was almost like a ''prevention is better than the cure'' type game. However, I am determined not to drink again because I know how the story ends, but the loneliness is crippling.
I only really have one friend and he's a drinker.
I work out 5 times a week, have a job, and I'm studying. So I do get out. It's a tricky situation because the students I'm studying with are a lot younger than me (I'm 25, and the majority of students on the course I'm taking are 16/17). I'm not patronising in any way shape or form, but I just find it really hard to connect with a lot of them. I appreciate the age gap isn't monumental, but my mind set of hell-bent study to get the grades I desire isn't shared by the majority. Parties are prioritised.
Similarly, at my job, most of the employees are over 50, so they're also just a little bit out of my social range I guess.
I guess I'm just reaching out here because I don't have anyone to talk to.
If anyone has any advice or stories of their own to share that they think may help me out of my funk, I'd appreciate it massively
I'm not really a fan of putting my problems out there so I'm looking at this thread as my own personal journal entry (which may just yield some priceless tips!) Thank you all.
Last edited by RunnerBean; 01-19-2014 at 12:08 PM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
I think it's pretty usual for us to drown our uncomfortable feelings with alcohol and then have them resurface when we stop drinking. They don't actually go anywhere, we just get numb to them.
Actually I think 16/17 - 25 is a huge age gap and you'd be best to not be forming friendship connections with minors :-)
It does sound like you're in a bit of a bind, not being able to meet peers through work or study. This might be something you just have to grit your teeth and get through until the course is finished.
Maybe taking up a team sport would bring you into contact with more peers? Or taking a class for fun about a hobby or something you enjoy.
Actually I think 16/17 - 25 is a huge age gap and you'd be best to not be forming friendship connections with minors :-)
It does sound like you're in a bit of a bind, not being able to meet peers through work or study. This might be something you just have to grit your teeth and get through until the course is finished.
Maybe taking up a team sport would bring you into contact with more peers? Or taking a class for fun about a hobby or something you enjoy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
You say you work out a lot. Any chance of meeting people there? Have you tried any AA meetings? At least the people there will understand what you are going through. Feeling all alone is a b####h. I'm in the same situation. Try being around people as much as you can. Good luck.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Lonliness is horrible sometimes although I appreciate my own compoany sometimes. My son left home on Friday and it feels weird, but I am just going to find things to do. I'm sure you will meet friends eventually. Not everyone is a wild child xxxxx
xxxxx
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Is it possible for you to volunteer somewhere? Maybe just once a week? A soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, an animal shelter. It would give you something rewarding to do and help you get out of your own head for a while. Also a way to make friends.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
timely topic.... I find in sobriety that the sense of loneliness - even though I have plenty of friends and a good relationship - can really be powerful sometimes.
I find myself turning to lots of activities, staying super busy, working out like crazy - almost to avoid being alone.
I wonder why that is.... what's really underlying a sense of loneliness. It seems to be a common theme in those who have struggled with addiction, even when there are plenty of friends, family and loved ones in life.
Congratulations on your sobriety.... may you find new outlets to soothe your loneliness, and may you find yourself growing more and more comfortable with simply being alone. I think, perhaps, part of what true and total sobriety is all about is making peace with ourselves and maybe being alone is scary until we face whatever we each carry around that makes it hard to be on our own.
(disclaimer; there's a very good chance those are all just MY issues so I may be projecting)
I find myself turning to lots of activities, staying super busy, working out like crazy - almost to avoid being alone.
I wonder why that is.... what's really underlying a sense of loneliness. It seems to be a common theme in those who have struggled with addiction, even when there are plenty of friends, family and loved ones in life.
Congratulations on your sobriety.... may you find new outlets to soothe your loneliness, and may you find yourself growing more and more comfortable with simply being alone. I think, perhaps, part of what true and total sobriety is all about is making peace with ourselves and maybe being alone is scary until we face whatever we each carry around that makes it hard to be on our own.
(disclaimer; there's a very good chance those are all just MY issues so I may be projecting)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi Runnerbean
it takes time to build (or re-build) a life I think.
all my friends were drinkers too....but I reconnected with old friends who I've drifted away from due to my drinking, and I made new ones...leasts idea about volunteering is great - that really got me out of the house and connecting with people...thinking about hobbies and interests and things you'd like to try may be a foot in the door to new friendships too.
11 Ways to Make Friends as an Adult
I have to say tho - for someone who was desperately lonely, and very uncomfortable in his own company, recovery really made me examine myself - and to my surprise I kinda liked what I found.
I like my own company now and I actively seek 'alone time'...it's quite a turnaround
D
it takes time to build (or re-build) a life I think.
all my friends were drinkers too....but I reconnected with old friends who I've drifted away from due to my drinking, and I made new ones...leasts idea about volunteering is great - that really got me out of the house and connecting with people...thinking about hobbies and interests and things you'd like to try may be a foot in the door to new friendships too.
11 Ways to Make Friends as an Adult
I have to say tho - for someone who was desperately lonely, and very uncomfortable in his own company, recovery really made me examine myself - and to my surprise I kinda liked what I found.
I like my own company now and I actively seek 'alone time'...it's quite a turnaround
D
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
I do like my time alone. Sometimes, after dealing with people all day, I can't wait to get home. What bothers me sometimes is that I know nobody is going to call me to say hi and see how I'm doing. That really hurts. I once attending a meeting for a year and a half, then stopped going. Even though a lot of people had my number, nobody ever called to see what's up. That was a long time ago, but it still bothers me. But like the serenity prayer says, accept the things you can't change.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I heard something the other day in a buddhist talk about lonliness, that you should make friends with yourself because then you're always with your best friend... A part of me thought that was a trite thing to say but I have been thinking on it and it's totally right. So many of us look for something external to us to make us feel happy. Whether that is a friend or partner or alcohol, but then we get annoyed when they don't behave as we expect them to like phone to see how we are... I have always had a hard time admitting to loneliness because I have always liked my own company and am pretty independent but the times I feel like I have been in retrospect have been because I have been looking for something to fill the void I should have been sorting out myself. It is a good thing to need people and have that connection but we can't expect them to carry the burden of our happiness. I have never been very good at making friends but I have made so many more since getting sober, just from being out walking my dog, volunteering, AA meetings, SR... even the times when my social life was active when I was drinking I was so lonely because I felt isolated because of my drinking. Connecting with others in recovery has helped me no end in all areas of my life x
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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hypochondriac
You make some very good points and I'm real glad things have worked out for you so well! I hope it stays that way. Unfortunately, trying to connect with people at AA meetings never worked out for me, and also unfortunately, I carry some resentments because of it, because I worked so hard for a different outcome, so I've given up on that idea. Hurts too much to keep trying and failing. Actually, I'm getting a little teary-eyed just posting this. Rejection is tough to deal with. I have considered volunteering somewhere. I might have better luck there. Just got to do it. Take
You make some very good points and I'm real glad things have worked out for you so well! I hope it stays that way. Unfortunately, trying to connect with people at AA meetings never worked out for me, and also unfortunately, I carry some resentments because of it, because I worked so hard for a different outcome, so I've given up on that idea. Hurts too much to keep trying and failing. Actually, I'm getting a little teary-eyed just posting this. Rejection is tough to deal with. I have considered volunteering somewhere. I might have better luck there. Just got to do it. Take
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Actually, sometimes I think back on the days when I was drugging and had tons of people to hang with. Some actually became good friends. It's a good thing I don't know any neighbors that are using. Otherwise, I'd be tempted to try to get to know them, just so I had people to hang around with. Sad really, but I'm trying not to get on my pitty pot. I'm very fortunate in many ways to have what I have (gratitude). I'm very lucky in many ways.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
You are connecting with us here right now though I didn't mean for it to sound like my life is brimming over with friends now, I still struggle in that area (turns out it may be because I am slightly on the autistic spectrum but that's a whole other story) but it is more real now than when I was drinking. I don't have superficial friendships anymore just so I have someone to drink with. Actually I traded that in many years ago for drinking alone. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, start small and eventually things will fall into place, even if that means getting more comfortable in your alone time x
I didn't mean for it to sound like my life is brimming over with friends now, I still struggle in that area (turns out it may be because I am slightly on the autistic spectrum but that's a whole other story) but it is more real now than when I was drinking. I don't have superficial friendships anymore just so I have someone to drink with. Actually I traded that in many years ago for drinking alone. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, start small and eventually things will fall into place, even if that means getting more comfortable in your alone time x
2Cor5:17
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Between Doctor's opinion & pg 164
Posts: 4,187
Drank mostly alone but aa made me more sociable. Still enjoy alone time-watchin conference championships alone! If had way of being w/ fellows then of course would be w/ them. But I'm content & secure being myself so doesnt bother me. Would you be willing to arise tomm mrg & be happy w/ decision you made today?
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2muchpain: Even though a lot of people had my number, nobody ever called to see what's up.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by deeker 
Remember to have a friend we need to be a friend. Were you calling anyone in AA? I noticed you said no one was calling you.
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Deeker
I would also like to add that maybe I didn't call anybody, but I was always willing to reach out and help people ("we need to be a friend"). I volunteered for many things, setting up chairs, etc., for meetings and after-meeting activities, driving people to and from meetings, going to detox centers with other AA members, making coffee, etc. So, it wasn't like I sat in a corner and expected everybody to come to me. That should count for something.
I would also like to add that maybe I didn't call anybody, but I was always willing to reach out and help people ("we need to be a friend"). I volunteered for many things, setting up chairs, etc., for meetings and after-meeting activities, driving people to and from meetings, going to detox centers with other AA members, making coffee, etc. So, it wasn't like I sat in a corner and expected everybody to come to me. That should count for something.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 137
You and I sound a lot alike. I'll share a bit of my story. I was an avid weight lifter probably until about 25-26 but then the booze>weight lifting. You should have seen me, I had built myself up into an impressive state mentally and physically.
Now I am 30 years old and trying to find some way to correct myself with little luck so far. I am pushing 12 servings per day sometimes now. It's horrible. Been drinking since legal age at 21. I think I drank a little before that but can't remember.
I've held a lot of jobs where I worked around a lot of older people. The one thing I enjoyed about older people is they always seemed to know what to do. They have their wisdom in them. But as far as after work loneliness goes, most of them can't really help you there. We younger guys like the company of other people around our age. Unfortunately, I have not had much luck there -- developing attachments with people beyond a professional level. I don't know, I just get nervous and unsure of myself whenever I think someone is starting to get interested in me as an individual.
I am going to have to work on it and address it, I think, if I am going to completely beat this problem.
Hope to see you around.
Now I am 30 years old and trying to find some way to correct myself with little luck so far. I am pushing 12 servings per day sometimes now. It's horrible. Been drinking since legal age at 21. I think I drank a little before that but can't remember.
I've held a lot of jobs where I worked around a lot of older people. The one thing I enjoyed about older people is they always seemed to know what to do. They have their wisdom in them. But as far as after work loneliness goes, most of them can't really help you there. We younger guys like the company of other people around our age. Unfortunately, I have not had much luck there -- developing attachments with people beyond a professional level. I don't know, I just get nervous and unsure of myself whenever I think someone is starting to get interested in me as an individual.
I am going to have to work on it and address it, I think, if I am going to completely beat this problem.
Hope to see you around.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Loneliness was made worse for me tonight. I hear ya on this. I pretty much stopped going out because it was disastrous. I also did not ingratiate myself with a lot of my friends because of my erratic behavior. Either drunk and obnoxious or hung over and angry or depressed. Most of them are gone. Of course they all drink anyway.
I had one special person in my life. A woman that I shared a very close but platonic bond with. We were always together, and did not drink together. Her presence kept me from drinking a lot. It's nice to have someone who truly cares and 'gets you.' We actually slept in the same bed a lot. Sex was just not part of it at all.
A few months ago she hooked up with an old flame and things are getting more serious. I started seeing her a lot less and now she says that we have to cool out our friendship seriously because her guy doesn't really like her hanging out with me, and gets kind of ticked off when I come up in conversation.
I completely understand. I would not want my girlfriend hanging around with some other guy all the time, and if I got a girlfriend I don't think she would be too happy about my friend.
But, she was the only one left. Besides conversation at a bar, I really don't have anyone to talk to.
My therapist, a new one, is trying to help me figure out how to fill my time and get some healthy people around. Volunteer work has come up, the gym, etc.
Right now we are working on simple things that I totally neglected when I was a raging drunk, as opposed to a less raging drunk. A couple of medical issues need to be fixed first. Also things like cleaning the apartment up, getting small tasks done, get a little sunlight, keep a bit of a schedule- to then build up to more substantial things like the gym and volunteer work. I see her again tomorrow. I hate going but am always happy I did.
She drew me a picture the other day of Opposite Action, something I do, but had never heard of.
-------------->>>>>>>>>>
The first face is me now: I am sad, I don't feel good and I don't want to do it. The arrows are me doing something positive, like cleaning up or going to the doctor. The second face is: I did it and I feel better. I always just stayed on the left. The therapist has me moving to the right more.
I am lonely.
I had one special person in my life. A woman that I shared a very close but platonic bond with. We were always together, and did not drink together. Her presence kept me from drinking a lot. It's nice to have someone who truly cares and 'gets you.' We actually slept in the same bed a lot. Sex was just not part of it at all.
A few months ago she hooked up with an old flame and things are getting more serious. I started seeing her a lot less and now she says that we have to cool out our friendship seriously because her guy doesn't really like her hanging out with me, and gets kind of ticked off when I come up in conversation.
I completely understand. I would not want my girlfriend hanging around with some other guy all the time, and if I got a girlfriend I don't think she would be too happy about my friend.
But, she was the only one left. Besides conversation at a bar, I really don't have anyone to talk to.
My therapist, a new one, is trying to help me figure out how to fill my time and get some healthy people around. Volunteer work has come up, the gym, etc.
Right now we are working on simple things that I totally neglected when I was a raging drunk, as opposed to a less raging drunk. A couple of medical issues need to be fixed first. Also things like cleaning the apartment up, getting small tasks done, get a little sunlight, keep a bit of a schedule- to then build up to more substantial things like the gym and volunteer work. I see her again tomorrow. I hate going but am always happy I did.
She drew me a picture the other day of Opposite Action, something I do, but had never heard of.
-------------->>>>>>>>>>The first face is me now: I am sad, I don't feel good and I don't want to do it. The arrows are me doing something positive, like cleaning up or going to the doctor. The second face is: I did it and I feel better. I always just stayed on the left. The therapist has me moving to the right more.
I am lonely.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Hi Garen
I does seem like we have some things in common. I used to either drink or use drugs to feel comfortable around people. Worked great most of time. Actually I miss those days. It's a whole different story doing it sober. I think it all boils down to confidence and trust, things I am lacking in. As much as I hate it, I've started seeing a therapist to work on these issues. Worth a try. I don't mean to compare myself to you, but I go to the gym a lot when I'm not drinking. I get a real rush after my cardio workout.
You sound like a nice guy who really wants to turn things around. I hope you find the path you are looking for. Stay in touch.
I does seem like we have some things in common. I used to either drink or use drugs to feel comfortable around people. Worked great most of time. Actually I miss those days. It's a whole different story doing it sober. I think it all boils down to confidence and trust, things I am lacking in. As much as I hate it, I've started seeing a therapist to work on these issues. Worth a try. I don't mean to compare myself to you, but I go to the gym a lot when I'm not drinking. I get a real rush after my cardio workout.
You sound like a nice guy who really wants to turn things around. I hope you find the path you are looking for. Stay in touch.
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