Brian316

Hey everyone, my name is Brian I'm an alcoholic. I've talked about my current living situation here before, so at the risk of sounding like a redundant whiner I will be brief.
I'm 86 days sober, I have no car, my wife moved away and our old house is being foreclosed on. I can't live there due to my having a job in the city and the house being rural. So I am staying with my parents to work, and save money for an apartment and forthcoming legal proceedings. I am actually posting this here to try and get away from self-pity and resentment.
Tonight after spending the day between AA, homework and trying to help around their house, my step-father (who incidentally is an every day whiskey and beer drinker) lashes out at me for no reason other than not filing my papers like he does and taking my last 2 classes needed for a college degree without obtaining his permission. I mean verbally demeaning, cursing, yelling etc. and this is not the first time. By the way I am 35 years old.
I wasn't sure how to feel at first. But now it's resentment and a little self pity because no matter how I respond to him the answer is going to be wrong. A lot of people (friends and family) actually have correlated my alcohol problem to him. Not that that's relevant, I take full responsibility for my alcoholism, just saying it's not a healthy situation for anyone and I could use some advice on how to deal with it and not let this resentment fester or slip into self pity......or worse justifying a drink saying he pushed me over the edge while I was "trying to do good" thoughts?

justinJustQuit

I certainly don't live with my dad as he lives in a nursing home now, but he was an alcoholic my entire childhood. I have found that I use him as an example at times when I am having a tough day not drinking. I turn it into pity instead of anger. I feel bad for him rather than hate him.

Skye2

Brian - do you think your step-dad resents that you can quit drinking while he obviously can't? x

Brian316

I don't know, but that's possible. It almost seems like he resents that I try to not let my current situation get me down and I am learning to live one day at a time while he seems very anxious and miserable.

Skye2

Yeah, jealousy on his part is coming through loud and clear, I think x

Brian316

So what's a good way to not let him hinder my sobriety? Other than, move as my natural instinct is to run and I am trying not to do that anymore.

Skye2

I'm not sure to be honest - Is there any way you could have a calm chat with him or involve your mum? It's hard without knowing you both
I really wouldn't drink over it as you might just be giving him what he wants and an excuse to evict you.
I'm only guessing here and thinking of worst case scenario. I mean is he in pain for any health reason etc? It's hard to know what to think without, as I said, knowing you all Xx

Brian316

I'm calming down a bit now. Um to answer tho yes and yes. He would definitely evict me if I drank and yes I think he does have health problems. Hopefully with prayer tonight, I won't sleep with this resentment.

Skye2

Glad you're calming down Hang in there - it's not forever and just think of his hangovers

sugarbear1

Steps 4-7.

Pages 66-67

Help another person.

Heartfan82

I have felt the same way in recent months, due to my own situation. In my case, my mentally ill son has not taken his meds for a few months, got very paranoid, disturbed, and then suicidal, he's now in the hospital on a mental health hold for 3 weeks already.

That's a short story about years of living with him, trying to help take care of him and his business issues. He gets verbally abusive, and such bad mood swings, that it's hard to live with, even if I know it's due to his illness. I have tried a few different means of toning things down, to try and avoid escalating the situation, they might help in your case, too.

1) Even if you don't think his anger is warranted, just take the high road, and say you understand he's upset, and you're sorry that he feels that way...(sometimes if they think they're being heard and understood, it softens the mood)
2) Go for a walk, take the dog for a walk, or just take your favorite hot beverage and sit outside and put space between you guys for a while....
3) Find some funny videos or happy music on the internet to clear the air
4) When he's calm, explain in a short but to the point way, what your plans for the future are, and that you appreciate him letting you live there in the meantime....(he might be stressed out that his routine has been upset by a new person in the house, and he's unsure about the future)

I've learned that at the root of anger is always some sort of fear, maybe not even known to the angry person. Of course alcohol clouds the judgement and fuels the anger, so there might not be any reasoning with it at the time.

I'm sorry you have to live in that situation for now, but you ARE doing good, and it's okay to feel a little sorry for yourself, then try a more positive way to deal with it. It really pays off in the long run, and drinking will honestly only make it worse

I'm sending good vibes and strength for this difficult time in your life, and I have all confidence that you will succeed in your journey to freedom!

Peace,
~Heartfan

Renarde

Three things I try to remember when I am forced to deal with toxic people -

1. They are acting out of their own issues. It's not personal (even if they attack me in a very personal way). I don't have the right to take it personally. It must be really miserable to live in that, so in fact they deserve my compassion (whether or not I am big enough to muster it up at that point is another story).

2. I am a separate individual and they are not a reflection of me.

3. I can only control my reactions and nothing else.

tootsl1

Wise words there from Reynarde, I also suggest mentally stepping out of the situation and looking at it subjectively; what a person says, often tells you more about them. Is there a way for you to (re)connect? A shared none drinking interest? Or perhaps find something you can ask his help with, to allow him to feel he is important.
It does sound like your stepfather has a drink problem, and your presence is a constant reminder of the fact that he is not dealing with it. Until now, he has possibly never had to confront it. It may be that your mother has concerns which she has mentioned to him?
Two grown men in one apartment means one has to be alpha male, however subconscious this behaviour it is existant and ought not be dismissed without consideration

least

I hope you and your step dad can come to some sort of agreement and work things out.

cheebiechi

Keep doing as your doing Brian and share about it, when sharing for me, it helps resentments, anger, and jealousy not build up. It keeps my sobriety real and not at risk.

Matt

Notmyrealname

It sounds like his mode of communication was not well chosen. But when you're living under someone else's roof, you're kind of at their mercy. I'd try to let it go.

Also, even though his mode of communication sucks, he may have some valid points hidden in there somewhere. I think it was Ben Franklin who said "our critics are our friends, they show us our faults." It can be hard to digest, but I always try to keep an open mind to criticism, even if it's poorly presented, because sometimes I find myself standing in my blind spots. A little kick in the ass can be helpful, once you get past the sting.

Scott76

its against my nature to take that kind of abuse. I would never allow someone to dominate me by verbal abuse. I would either pay a friend to stay with them for a while, or tell this guy to shut it and explain to him that from now on, we will ignore each other. Then when I have saved enough to move out, I would reassess my relationship towards him when I feel comfortable about my life and confidence again.

That's what I would do in your situation.

Brian316

Thank you Skye. I did not and will not drink over it.

Brian316

Thank you Sugarbear. My sponsor and I are actually just getting ready to do step 4 God willing. Reading those pages again helped.

Brian316

Thank you Heartfan, those are very good suggestions I think. I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through but it sounds like you are definitely wise from it. Next time I will try some of these.