Mentium

I first came here in late August last year. I had from then until Christmas sober followed by a week long lapse, a couple of weeks sober again and then two days last week when I drank again. Just a bit but I drank.

I feel on track at the moment. touch wood and I am not forgetting that I have made real progress considering that I drank every day when I was in 'drinking mode'. Even so, my downfall seems to be the effect of 'cravings' on me.

Got me wondering if what I feel when it happens is what others do. For me it starts with not just the desire to drink but my mind is somehow 'won over'. The addiction convinces me - not necessarily that it is OK to drink - it seems quite happy to ignore that. It is as if the desire overides any attempt at logic, reason, rational analysis or internal brake.

My fear is that I don't have much in the way of resistance to those situations. I rely on simply 'not wanting' to drink most of the time as a means of staying sober. It seems that when I enter 'I want to drink' territory I have no defences.

I am describing the extreme of course - I might have moments where the thought of a drink crosses my mind and that's it - I can cope easily enough with that.

I hope this makes sense. Would welcome comments and ideas!

AlaskaGirl

Mentium, from what you have described I would recommend checking out AVRT. It's not a weird program you have to go through, but a way of being able to separate yourself from your addiction. There is a lot of information on AVRT in the secular connections forum. There are many paths to sobriety, this is just one that hit home for me.

cheebiechi

good morning Mentium,

Well our disease is described as an obsession of the mind by the Big Book.

Our body's don't know anything else other than drink involving problems, social situations, loneliness, and many other reasons. It almost like I had to retrain my brain to think differently.

For me it was doing the same things I did drinking but doing them sober, and the changing of myself brought joy and happiness which also helped.

Anyways, that's my experience, Have a great day

Matt

Nonsensical

I think I am familiar with this. I remember once stopping at a Whole Foods to get some ingredient or other for a later meal. Wasn't really thinking about drinking or not drinking. I parked and started walking into the store and saw the sign for "The Porch" which is the little annex on the side of Whole Foods where they sell coffee, sandwiches, and craft beers. Without another thought I walked straight into The Porch, sat down and ordered a beer. It wasn't until after I had ordered it that it occurred to me that I have stopped drinking. I seemed to have become momentarily unaware of my alcoholism.

I have always been perplexed by that moment. All of my other binges since deciding to quit have been conceived and (at least partially) planned for days or weeks in advance. Most of the negative consequences my drinking has caused has been damaged relationships with my family. When the addict living in my head gets wind of a future opportunity to drink in secret (so my family might not find out) he starts whispering his (not so) good ideas to me.

That binge starting at Whole Foods just sprang up out of nowhere. I have learned how to handle the sneaky AV planner's brainstorms, but don't know how to prevent the complete brain spasm that occurred that day. Except, I haven't been to Whole Foods by myself since then.

Kevin78

I am all too familiar with this Mentium. I have binged very heavily on and off for about 2 years. I could be ok one minute, then my AV takes over and makes my mind up for me, no matter how much I try to disagree. The withdrawals were getting worse, and I thought I can't do this myself. Thankfully my blood test on my liver was normal, I don't know how that is possible. I think the worry over my liver seemed to make me more determined to stop. Think this is day 11 now. I can't remember the last time I got past 2 weeks.

Toffee1

Cravings and urges are completely normal and should be accepted and in a slightly odd way welcomed. I recognise my cravings now for what they are. They don't frighten me at all. They are like a part of me, a dying part but still a part. I am over 4 months now and don't get them as much as previously but I always saw it as a battle of two armies. My army had all the weapons whereas my cravings army just had "some urges" as their weapons. As you can see it was a pretty unfair war . Cravings require a physically act in order for you to drink. If you refuse to provide that physical act the cravings will go away. It is hard at first but it gets easier with more practice. Defo try google AVRT and see the free introduction . I feel I may be preaching to the converted here but a little reaffirming never hurt. Best of luck

IOAA2

Hi. Years ago in my early time in AA we newcomers were helped by personal contact, phone numbers and most of all the wisdom of many old timers, those with + 10 years sober time. We newcomers were reminded that our dis-ease is 3 fold. Cunning, powerful and insidious. Take your pick for any events that lead us as undisciplined individuals to even ponder the thought of drinking.
Let's not forget, like it or not this dis-ease is based on our escaping our feelings, so until those are dealt with most of us will only experience short terms of sobriety as I unfortunately had myself until I surrendered and started to listen and follow the path to long sobriety which was work but well worth it.

BE WELL

bigsombrero

I fear this is how I'd relapse. Not at a wild party in Vegas, but with a couple unplanned beers on the way to buy toilet paper or something mundane.

I haven't relapsed though for 1.5 years. To speak to the OP, I firmly believe this is because the consequences of my drinking were very extreme. I had a pretty "low bottom" where I'd lost all my money, long-time girlfriend, and my job, and then I started having seizures. Those ambulance rides, seeing my family show up to find me bruised and battered in the hospital...on my worst days, that is what keeps me sober.

I wonder if those who have had a "low bottom" like me are less likely to relapse? I literally view a drink like walking off the edge of the cliff, life and death. At least, that is how I see it today and I know I have to keep working to remember that. What about you OP? Have the consequences of your drinking not been enough to convince you? Thanks for letting me add to the discussion!

Toxicsoul

Day 20 AF: I have recently become aware that virtually all people who are considered heavy drinkers or alcoholics are hypoglycemic or have low blood sugar once they stop drinking. This apparently is part of the physical withdrawal that people experience. In my case it was wine. Wine is loaded with sugar, my body became tolerant and once I removed the wine, my body rebelled and sent signals in the form of urges to drink. I noticed after a few days without alcohol I was eating a lot of sugar laden foods where previously I rarely had any. Through my research I discovered by consuming a nutrient dense diet you can alleviate this condition. I have now replaced the sweets with smoothies and do a lot of juicing that is heavy on leafy greens and fruit. When you feed your body in such a way, it sends signals to the brain that it has all the nutrients it needs to function properly. Works for me...worth a shot.

Kiya

You just described probably my biggest fear in the world for the past couple if years. I've been drinking for 8 years solid now. I've had no serious negative consequences. But I know that won't last. The disease spirals out of control. For the past 4 years now I've wanted to quit but just the past year has it been serious. And the last two months have I put any desire into action. It's such a simple thing, not picking up a drink. I know everyone bottom is different. Am I lucky enough to be at mine relatively unharmed? Or do I still have a long way to spiral before I finally get there. Scares me terribly when I really think about it. I'm not sure if just the fear and knowledge are enough though. I just pray every day that it is.

Mentium

The lower success rate of AA these days compared to the 80%+ calculated in the early days is sometimes attributed to this. Most of the original AAers where very 'low bottom'. I am a relatively 'high bottom' - never crashed a car, got a DUI, wrecked a marriage, ended up in rehab or any of those things. In some ways trying to stop addictive behaviour when you know you have not run out of chances brings its own issues. I'm not saying it is easier if you are at death's door - after all many cross that threshold, but my many attempts to stop have essentially been dry-out periods after which I felt it was more or less safe to go back out and drink.

That cycle is what I dearly hope to break this time. Four months and counting here with a couple of relatively minor lapses along the way.

Nonsensical

I wonder the same thing - or rather what does it take to stop before the low bottom?

I currently have a fairly healthy fear of relapse. It is pretty good odds that if I start being a drunk again I will lose my family. If that were to happen I'm not sure where (or if) I would pull out of that death spiral. Once the 'family gone' barrier is broken I'm not at all confident I would make another comeback.

Fear is useful, but it's not enough. I have to replace my bad habits with good habits. I have to learn the sober path. I believe I am making progress, but the work continues.