New to SR. trying to get sober again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pa
Posts: 62
New to SR. trying to get sober again
Hello,
I have been having a really hard time lately. I think I am a tough case but probably just a hard head. My first time in recovery was when I was sent to a naval rehab in 1986. Since that first one I had been in 7 rehabs but only completing a couple through to the end and not bailing and just leaving and going back out. I was able to get around three years in 03 finally with the help of AA and a sponsor and working the steps. Service. Tried my hardest to do what I needed to. That was tough getting sober then and i did grow a lot but I stopped going to meetings after around a year and a half and then just stayed dry for a years or so longer before I picked up again. I have been struggling since 06 and at times in the past things were pretty awful. I was doing alright and was functional in my use and behavior for the most part but it is a major habit and problem. I am seeing the effects of my drinking and using in ways that are scaring me. I really am not though and have been kidding myself making every excuse why I cannot stop drinking and using. My habit is not out of control but its just no way I can keep up with it. The beginning of this year I lost my work and have been so broke getting money to feed my habits is a real problem and I am being forced to confront my issues though. Its a long story. I really just wanted to say hello.
I have found another recovery site with meetings and have been hanging out there a lot. Have spent time writing there passing time as past week has been rough. I have been loaded every day and stuck in very bad depression that I just cannot seem to shake. All that helps is when I am able to get a hit and then start drinking. To be able to sate my habit and make the cravings go away. Once I was able to feed my addiction I am able to calm down for the most part but I keep causing problems for myself. More with hitting these severe lows and ending up hating myself and being full of anxiety and self hatred. The sometimes amnesia I will experience and the bad hangovers the next day. Always feeling like crap really whether Im using or not. Going to buy the hit I need to feel better and have it end up not being very good and then just wondering how I can get my hands on another ten bucks so I can buy one more hit and then drink myself to oblivion.
I cannot seem to get myself to go back to AA meetings but I know I am going to need to have some more help than just me. My brain will lie to me and tell me anything it can to try to get me to use. The thing is I will believe it. I have resolve now to not use of drink but Im sick and tired of being sick and tired right now. I know tomorrow I will be feeling better and the cravings will come into my mind strongly. Why I have been finding the meetings helpful and after reading a few newcomer posts here SR I figured I'd reach out here too. Can't hurt I guess. I came around SR in 03 and it was helpful to me then and got me to go back to AA meetings. I remember now how hard that was getting sober and I did it on my own those first weeks before I broke and knew I had to get some help. It was rough. People were helpful then I remember.
I will try my best to be positive around here and listen. I have had such a bad attitude lately and its just in the past days that I really am seeing that I need to change and just cannot go on the way I have been. Sooner or later my luck is going to run out and I know that things are only going to get worse no matter what I tell myself. I think I just self medicate to deal with my depression and bi polar 2 thing but getting wasted has been my favorite thing since I was 12. I was a rookie junkie when I was younger but saw the senselessness of being a junkie and kicked cold turkey. I still like opiates way too much but have been able to stay away from that fortunately and its not a problem now. I have been on anti depressants in the past but refuse to take them now. I have veterans benefits and have to get back there to get involved in whatever help I can get there from that. I don't have other health insurance.
I am doing better today. You should see some of the stuff I was sharing on the other site. I was all over the place and I am sure most over there are like WTF is up with this guy? Some have been nice though. I haven't been easy to approach. Of course some guy there seemed to be really pushy and I took it as he was stepping on my toes and thought he was some kind of control freak. I think the guy just wanted to help but I am really new and rough right now and I have to really start with baby steps and just not be too hard on myself at this point. Writing helps me work out things in my head that I am ruminating about. Sometimes I cannot get my mind to shut off with the racing thoughts and negative thinking and it gets really hard to take. I mean its bad.
The nights like this where I can get through a day without drinking or using is welcomed as it is so much easier than when Im drunk and loaded. I jut can't take that first hit that leads me to that first drink. Im still not sober though. One of the only things that gave me any relief today was smoking some cannabis and I just think stopping that is going to be the hardest thing and I am not sure I will be able to commit to that. I know. Not many make it without stopping everything if they are real addicts or alcoholics. We will use anything we can as an escape and seem to take things too far. I have to find healthy ways to deal with life. First thing though I cannot forget how serious my addiction is cause I don't go crazy but I have had a bad habit for years that I have only been able to get a grip on two years ago when I was able to stop drinking and using hard for 90 days before I went back out and started back up again nearly every day. its so easy to get a hit around here. Six minutes. When I able to get away from this town I don't even think about taking a hit. It's odd. The drinking is harder but I am able to stop if I really set my mind to it. I have found AA helpful and being around recovery stuff as it helps me seeing positive people out there that have seemed to change.
I will do my best to keep an open mind. Not let my own stubbornness or feelings of terminal uniqueness get in my way too much but it won't be easy. Im telling you. I have a lot of problems. I honestly think it would take me ten years of intense therapy and sobriety and hard work just for me to attain the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. And Im a middle aged Man. Thats pretty bad. I have had pals who I met in AA in 03 who stayed sober all these years and saw the benefits of the program tell me they thought I had too many problems to think that AA could really help me change. Now that is pretty bad.
So I will keep reading stuff people are sharing here and see what else is going on that might be of help to me. Also tomorrow when I am antsy and craving and knowing all I have to do is fix and just not try to change things will be easier but of course they won't. If I can come around here and maybe just get a perspective of reality and not my self destructive delusional thinking it might help me get more than today without having to take a drink or hit.
peace
I have been having a really hard time lately. I think I am a tough case but probably just a hard head. My first time in recovery was when I was sent to a naval rehab in 1986. Since that first one I had been in 7 rehabs but only completing a couple through to the end and not bailing and just leaving and going back out. I was able to get around three years in 03 finally with the help of AA and a sponsor and working the steps. Service. Tried my hardest to do what I needed to. That was tough getting sober then and i did grow a lot but I stopped going to meetings after around a year and a half and then just stayed dry for a years or so longer before I picked up again. I have been struggling since 06 and at times in the past things were pretty awful. I was doing alright and was functional in my use and behavior for the most part but it is a major habit and problem. I am seeing the effects of my drinking and using in ways that are scaring me. I really am not though and have been kidding myself making every excuse why I cannot stop drinking and using. My habit is not out of control but its just no way I can keep up with it. The beginning of this year I lost my work and have been so broke getting money to feed my habits is a real problem and I am being forced to confront my issues though. Its a long story. I really just wanted to say hello.
I have found another recovery site with meetings and have been hanging out there a lot. Have spent time writing there passing time as past week has been rough. I have been loaded every day and stuck in very bad depression that I just cannot seem to shake. All that helps is when I am able to get a hit and then start drinking. To be able to sate my habit and make the cravings go away. Once I was able to feed my addiction I am able to calm down for the most part but I keep causing problems for myself. More with hitting these severe lows and ending up hating myself and being full of anxiety and self hatred. The sometimes amnesia I will experience and the bad hangovers the next day. Always feeling like crap really whether Im using or not. Going to buy the hit I need to feel better and have it end up not being very good and then just wondering how I can get my hands on another ten bucks so I can buy one more hit and then drink myself to oblivion.
I cannot seem to get myself to go back to AA meetings but I know I am going to need to have some more help than just me. My brain will lie to me and tell me anything it can to try to get me to use. The thing is I will believe it. I have resolve now to not use of drink but Im sick and tired of being sick and tired right now. I know tomorrow I will be feeling better and the cravings will come into my mind strongly. Why I have been finding the meetings helpful and after reading a few newcomer posts here SR I figured I'd reach out here too. Can't hurt I guess. I came around SR in 03 and it was helpful to me then and got me to go back to AA meetings. I remember now how hard that was getting sober and I did it on my own those first weeks before I broke and knew I had to get some help. It was rough. People were helpful then I remember.
I will try my best to be positive around here and listen. I have had such a bad attitude lately and its just in the past days that I really am seeing that I need to change and just cannot go on the way I have been. Sooner or later my luck is going to run out and I know that things are only going to get worse no matter what I tell myself. I think I just self medicate to deal with my depression and bi polar 2 thing but getting wasted has been my favorite thing since I was 12. I was a rookie junkie when I was younger but saw the senselessness of being a junkie and kicked cold turkey. I still like opiates way too much but have been able to stay away from that fortunately and its not a problem now. I have been on anti depressants in the past but refuse to take them now. I have veterans benefits and have to get back there to get involved in whatever help I can get there from that. I don't have other health insurance.
I am doing better today. You should see some of the stuff I was sharing on the other site. I was all over the place and I am sure most over there are like WTF is up with this guy? Some have been nice though. I haven't been easy to approach. Of course some guy there seemed to be really pushy and I took it as he was stepping on my toes and thought he was some kind of control freak. I think the guy just wanted to help but I am really new and rough right now and I have to really start with baby steps and just not be too hard on myself at this point. Writing helps me work out things in my head that I am ruminating about. Sometimes I cannot get my mind to shut off with the racing thoughts and negative thinking and it gets really hard to take. I mean its bad.
The nights like this where I can get through a day without drinking or using is welcomed as it is so much easier than when Im drunk and loaded. I jut can't take that first hit that leads me to that first drink. Im still not sober though. One of the only things that gave me any relief today was smoking some cannabis and I just think stopping that is going to be the hardest thing and I am not sure I will be able to commit to that. I know. Not many make it without stopping everything if they are real addicts or alcoholics. We will use anything we can as an escape and seem to take things too far. I have to find healthy ways to deal with life. First thing though I cannot forget how serious my addiction is cause I don't go crazy but I have had a bad habit for years that I have only been able to get a grip on two years ago when I was able to stop drinking and using hard for 90 days before I went back out and started back up again nearly every day. its so easy to get a hit around here. Six minutes. When I able to get away from this town I don't even think about taking a hit. It's odd. The drinking is harder but I am able to stop if I really set my mind to it. I have found AA helpful and being around recovery stuff as it helps me seeing positive people out there that have seemed to change.
I will do my best to keep an open mind. Not let my own stubbornness or feelings of terminal uniqueness get in my way too much but it won't be easy. Im telling you. I have a lot of problems. I honestly think it would take me ten years of intense therapy and sobriety and hard work just for me to attain the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. And Im a middle aged Man. Thats pretty bad. I have had pals who I met in AA in 03 who stayed sober all these years and saw the benefits of the program tell me they thought I had too many problems to think that AA could really help me change. Now that is pretty bad.
So I will keep reading stuff people are sharing here and see what else is going on that might be of help to me. Also tomorrow when I am antsy and craving and knowing all I have to do is fix and just not try to change things will be easier but of course they won't. If I can come around here and maybe just get a perspective of reality and not my self destructive delusional thinking it might help me get more than today without having to take a drink or hit.
peace
Marchhhazel 
I can honestly say, that SR has helped me more than anything else I tried. Good to have you here Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Welcome back to SR, marchHazel.
Have you thought about going into a detox? You don't have to do it on your own.
I have had a couple of relapses. It's not easy to get back in the saddle but it's certainly possible.
Don't worry about what other people say about your problems. It's true that AA isn't the answer to ALL your problems, but it's certainly possible that living the principles of AA in sobriety will help you to overcome whatever problems you are facing.
You're worth saving, no matter what.
Have you thought about going into a detox? You don't have to do it on your own.
I have had a couple of relapses. It's not easy to get back in the saddle but it's certainly possible.
Don't worry about what other people say about your problems. It's true that AA isn't the answer to ALL your problems, but it's certainly possible that living the principles of AA in sobriety will help you to overcome whatever problems you are facing.
You're worth saving, no matter what.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pa
Posts: 62
Thanks you both. ^^ for the replies. It is good not feeling so in this all by myself.
I find if I really want to get sober I can if I go to meetings and all that. Or worked in the past. I been in so many I figure I already know. The thing is it may be too hard for me to be here with all the temptation. Even if I could go to a rehab I can't really be away for even two weeks. I have responsibilities and commitments. Yeah if I'm not well I'm not good to anyone really. Thing that makes it more hard for me to commit is I had been very functional and not one prone to getting into trouble. Like I said. I think I'm different than others.
Hard to explain. Tomorrow's a new day. I have a plan to try to not drink or use. It's not going to be easy I know. It's not bad now but I know tomorrow night will be when my brain starts telling me to use and I'm craving badly. That's how it is. I havnt been able to stop longer than two days for I can't remember how long.
Thanks for the supportive words.
I find if I really want to get sober I can if I go to meetings and all that. Or worked in the past. I been in so many I figure I already know. The thing is it may be too hard for me to be here with all the temptation. Even if I could go to a rehab I can't really be away for even two weeks. I have responsibilities and commitments. Yeah if I'm not well I'm not good to anyone really. Thing that makes it more hard for me to commit is I had been very functional and not one prone to getting into trouble. Like I said. I think I'm different than others.
Hard to explain. Tomorrow's a new day. I have a plan to try to not drink or use. It's not going to be easy I know. It's not bad now but I know tomorrow night will be when my brain starts telling me to use and I'm craving badly. That's how it is. I havnt been able to stop longer than two days for I can't remember how long.
Thanks for the supportive words.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Check in with SR as often as you need to, marchHazel. THere is always someone here to talk you off the ledge, so to speak. Maybe make a habit of checking in a couple times a day, that way you'll be in the habit of coming here if you're feeling like picking up and you can ask for support.
Even if you do continue to drink/use, stay here and hang with us. I drunk-posted for a month or so until I found my feet.
Even if you do continue to drink/use, stay here and hang with us. I drunk-posted for a month or so until I found my feet.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome... sounds like you've got it pretty rough and have a challenging road ahead but beneath the struggles you've got the real desire to stop this awful cycle.
YOU CAN.
It will take help and support and you'll find it here - but from what you describe it sounds like you'll need a full armament of tools to help you along.
AA Sounds like it's played a useful role in the past.... it's sure been helpful to me too. I hope you'll give that another deep and earnest chance because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain in giving AA a fair shot.
YOU CAN.
It will take help and support and you'll find it here - but from what you describe it sounds like you'll need a full armament of tools to help you along.
AA Sounds like it's played a useful role in the past.... it's sure been helpful to me too. I hope you'll give that another deep and earnest chance because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain in giving AA a fair shot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pa
Posts: 62
I still have not drank. my last drink or hit was on Thursday night i am fairly certain. I had to think about it and that shows me how clouded my thinking has been lately. I know Im working on my third day since I last used. That is correct I realize now. Sheesh. I am glad and grateful for that and it is so nice to wake up not feeling hung over. I am going to continue to follow this plan I have made for myself to get better. I know at times during the course of today I will find myself craving. Its hard to explain a little and I am not used to it at all after all the time I have been spending not caring. I just don't want to be like that anymore. In a way its like I can see now how disgusting I was and what I was doing to myself. That I just don't want to keep being that person and the first thing I need to do is stop using alcohol and narcotics and my life will have a chance to get better. At least I won't still keep making things harder for myself. My solutions to my problems were not getting me anywhere.
I am always full of self doubt so of course I know to take what I say with a grain of salt and I know I have failed plenty of times in the past. Im doing my best just to take things as they come. Know I am going to need to find some way when it gets really tough just to not use. Not to let my brain fool me and get me to think it would be alright to do just "one". I am so unwell I will actually let myself believe that. It is rarely the case I have proven over and over again that I can use in moderation or without it causing me problems sooner or later. Things had gotten so bad its also really nice not to wake up dreading what I did the night before or totally hating the person I am.
I am aware I am nowhere near out of the woods with this and really all the work is just starting. I'm just so tired of feeling like crap all the time and even though I still am dragging ass I feel better than I did Friday morning thats for sure so its a start.
I have to change about myself but will worry about that when I have to. Its nice just to enjoy this right now.
I am always full of self doubt so of course I know to take what I say with a grain of salt and I know I have failed plenty of times in the past. Im doing my best just to take things as they come. Know I am going to need to find some way when it gets really tough just to not use. Not to let my brain fool me and get me to think it would be alright to do just "one". I am so unwell I will actually let myself believe that. It is rarely the case I have proven over and over again that I can use in moderation or without it causing me problems sooner or later. Things had gotten so bad its also really nice not to wake up dreading what I did the night before or totally hating the person I am.
I am aware I am nowhere near out of the woods with this and really all the work is just starting. I'm just so tired of feeling like crap all the time and even though I still am dragging ass I feel better than I did Friday morning thats for sure so its a start.
I have to change about myself but will worry about that when I have to. Its nice just to enjoy this right now.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
