Woodman123

Hello all. I'll apologize up front if I'm offending anyone by breaching any netiquette here- absolutely not my intention. I usually post on the friends and family forum, but I am just desperate to understand my wife's thinking/approach to her recovery from alcohol. I was hoping that the experiences here would provide me with a better appreciation for what she's going through. I love her terribly, but simply cannot reconcile in my own mind her actions.

Long story short- she's been a closet drinker for ~4 years, but things have gotten really bad in the last 9 months, including 5 medical detoxes, and 3 inpatient rehab stays. She is going to AA 3-4 times/week, and has recently engaged a sponsor. She says with believable sincerity that she is getting better and is committed to full recovery and sobriety. BUT, she continues to drink at home in secrecy. i do not believe she has maintained total abstinence beyond a few days at a time since coming home from each rehab stay. I have confronted her about my knowledge of the secret drinking, and all she says is that she's continually decreasing her frequency/quantity of alcohol, and that she's getting better and will be OK.

I know that on the non-alcoholic side of the street, there is a common thread that TOTAL abstinence is required above all else, regardless of how much one attends AA, works the steps, talks with sponsor, etc. I think this makes sense, but I cannot appreciate her mindset here- so I ask you whether it's possible to still achieve sobriety, or whether YOU truly believe in your hearts/minds that you're getting better if you're engaging in recovery steps, but still seeking some drink on the side. Important to note that there is no alcohol in the home.

Raider

Pso I ask you whether it's possible to still achieve sobriety, or whether YOU truly believe in your hearts/minds that you're getting better if you're engaging in recovery steps, but still seeking some drink on the side. Important to note that there is no alcohol in the home.



My opinion only. NO!

Skye2

Only thing I can think of - is she tapering? Is the scared of withdrawals? I would ask her 'why' she continues to drink and see if that helps?

foolsgold66

Woodman, I'll just keep it simple. That dog don't hunt.

KateL

I could never taper or control my drinking at all. When I decieded to follow a recovery method through, I had to stop. xx

jaynie04

Number one rule of sobriety: don't drink.

I think you are seeing a lot of bells and whistles and smokescreen….sounds to me like she is protecting her drinking by crossing off other things on the list that one would do when in recovery.

I do think that recovery can be a process and sometimes it can take a while to catch hold. But it sounds like she has had a lot of treatment and is still drinking. I have come to understand the difference between ultimatums and boundaries thanks to the F&F forum. I guess my question to you is …how difficult is it to have a relationship with someone when there is a huge elephant in the room? If she has always been a closet drinker what has really changed?

I believe honesty is the basis of any relationship. When an alcoholic is active it is like having a threesome, even if the third party isn't in the room with you. I am being honest because you posted here, as a recovering alcoholic I know the mindset, it's called damage control.

least

It doesn't sound like she's ready to really quit drinking for good if she's still hiding it and lying about it and making excuses. She may need to hit her bottom to have the desire to stop drinking.

keithj

It would not surprise me if, in some bizarre way, she actually believed she was 'getting better' in spite of the secret drinking. That's the level of delusion some of us have experienced. The quicker she can see the truth about this the better. Then she may actually be able to start working the Steps and recover. Fact is, she's still at Step Zero.

Nonsensical

I can tell you what commitment to sobriety does NOT look like:
Best of Luck on This Journey.

Woodman123

I do not believe this is the case. She has claimed attempting to taper in the past, but her (ineffective) methods of hiding her bottles reveal a relatively constant volume of consumption.

Woodman123

Thanks to all of you for the responses so far. Sadly, confirming what I think I already knew to be the case. I wish you all health and happiness!

Zeepa

Feeling the need to drink in secret suggests she doesnt want to stop yet, that alcohol is still the most important thing in her life. If someone doesnt want to stop drinking in their heart they wont, no matter what anyone says or does . It takes them to see what is happening to them and really want to quit to start the ball rolling with sobriety. Drinking in secret is not a method of recovery for anyone.

tomsteve

to me it is the mindset of insanity- giving an acceptable excuse for unacceptable behavior.
could I achieve sobriety by attending AA, workin the steps, talk with sponsor, etc and still drink? welp, stopping drinking made me sober as in without drink. working the steps made me sober as in of sound mind.
drinking and of sound mind never went together in my life.

CaliButterfly

Woodman, one more thing. I believe that your wife most likely wants to make you happy and has done the things she has to please you. Maybe she does want to quit - for you. BUT, by her actions, she really doesn't want to quit because she's not ready. I'm sure you already know from the F&F threads that you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves, and you don't need to "taper" when you've already gone to detox. All she's doing is telling you what you want to hear by saying she's getting better, buying herself more time to keep drinking. But alcoholism is progressive and will only get worse, not better. And you can't stop her no matter what. You can't beg her, plead with her, or tell her what she should be doing, because she already knows. IMHO, you have to let her hit bottom and come to her own conclusions. And in the meantime, you have to embrace your own Serenity Prayer. All the best luck to you... Namaste.

Threshold

to me, it means not drinking, no matter what. And when I am thinking of drinking, talking to someone who has learned how to not drink, no matter what, and getting some experience, hope and strength.

That is why I hang out at SR.

Hollyanne

I am going to briefly tell you an extremely edited version of my story.
I drank excessively from the get-go.
It was always too much.
I knew I had a problem in 1998 for sure.
I kept it secret.
I was ashamed.
I wanted to not make a fuss.
I wanted to handle it myself.
I was introduced to AA in 2006.
I was in therapy but never discussed drinking.
She called me on it and told me were done unless I addressed the drinking.
Through a very special person I met at work, I was given the big book and a schedule of meetings.
I went to AA. I tried for almost 6 months to quit.
I quit for 2 years. The obsession was lifted. I had no desire to drink.
Gone! Cured!
I did not do the AA program and stopped going to meetings as I was "fine".
I was delighted.
5 years ago something happened with a friend of mine.
She had poly addiction to drugs and alcohol right under my nose!
She went down in flames, fired, lost job, lost professional license, etc.
I swooped in and helped and when all was quiet, I had nowhere to turn.
I couldn't talk at work, family were far away, no AA.
I went across the street, and bought wine. 3 bottles. I drank for the next 18 months more than ever.
I then handed in my notice, left the city and moved to Ireland where I am from.
I drank more and more while in my parents house. I did a lot of good while I was there.
Cleared the whole place took care of a major family issue and except for stumbling around drunk, I was brilliant!

Then my mother did something really really hurtful and confusing. No surprise really.
Par for the course our whole lives.
I got angry! I also got scared!
I realised that I must get my s7it together now!
I moved out, went to AA and tried to quit.
It took 2 months of solid AA and stringing a few days together.
My sister (normie) was furious when I drank the last time.
She was ready to have me committed and she of all people could get it done.
She said, "You said you have this!!!!!!"

I had to just back off there.
No family or friends were privy to my efforts.
I couldn't explain to them what was going on.
They cared more than anyone, but they thought they could fix me.
No-one could fix me except me, AA/other alcoholics, and a belief in something bigger than all of us (Higher Power/ Universe/ God/ ).

I wished I had more "help".
Now, I know the help would have killed me.
Never stand in the way of an alcoholic and their pain, truth, consequences.
I hope I haven't bored anyone unconscious.

kflee

I agree. I know of few people that believe they are getting better and feels that the little amount they drinks is not causing problems.
Truth is if a person is really ready to be sober, than even a sip of alcohol changes that. She might not be ready for total sobriety, She needs to go through all steps and start fresh without any...Maybe she can see the real difference of being dry compared to being sober.

heath480

Sorry to hear this Woodman.

It sounds as if your wife is in denial of her Alcoholism.I don't see how she can be working the steps with a sponsor if she is still drinking.

Sponsors usually know when a sponsee is drinking.

The bottom line is your wife has to get honest and want to stop drinking more than she wants to drink..

tomsteve

just a lil something to add:
my 1st sponsors wife had gone to detox 7 times and rehab 5. when she died, she had 7 years sober.
don't lose hope.

Woodman123

Wow! Thank you for this- very important message for me. Thank you for sharing.