Shocked by Father-in-law.Confused?maybe..
Sober since March 21, 2013
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 262
Sounds like your father-in-law needs to join Sober Recovery.
He was obviously antagonizing you and trying to get you to make a scene for his own amusement.
Being sober you can see how obnoxious drunks really are.
You handled the situation well.
He was obviously antagonizing you and trying to get you to make a scene for his own amusement.
Being sober you can see how obnoxious drunks really are.
You handled the situation well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Boy you are better than me. Let me tell you, I have a mean streak when I get disrespected. So I read your post to my husband and daughter and said "how do you think that would have ended in our house?" They both agreed "grandpop would have been dodging beer bottles being thrown at his head as he ran down the driveway". And any person that accepted a beer would have been running behind him.
That was total and complete disrespect. Sounds like he might also have a drinking problem. Anyone who can not get through a few hours at a 4 years old's birthday party without beer has a problem. Whether or not they want to admit it or not.
That was total and complete disrespect. Sounds like he might also have a drinking problem. Anyone who can not get through a few hours at a 4 years old's birthday party without beer has a problem. Whether or not they want to admit it or not.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
First off contragulations on maintaining your sobriety. You were tested and pushed but you were able to keep your sobriety a priority. I think you should be extremely proud of yourself as you were able to maintain composure and sobriety in the face of temptation and disrespect; this really was your finest hour.
Also, I know how you feel. Its frustrating and hurtful when people openly disrespect us and attempt to exploit our weaknesses. He owes you a genuine apology and needs to examine his own consumption.
Also, I know how you feel. Its frustrating and hurtful when people openly disrespect us and attempt to exploit our weaknesses. He owes you a genuine apology and needs to examine his own consumption.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Wow! You have every right to be angry! Your FIL's behavior was beyond rude. And what a great job you did to stay sober and not go ballistic.
It really sounds like a case of attempted sabotage. It happens occasionally that people close to us deliberately try to derail our sobriety. Sounds ridiculous, but they do. It's usually because they 1)drink too much themselves and your sobriety is threatening them. They think that you are trying to tell them to stop drinking when you stop drinking. Of course that's not the case but they will see it that way and dig in their heels and act out, like your FIL did.
Or, 2) they don't want the change. They like the status quo. There are aspects of the drinking dynamic that they enjoyed with you and don't want to see it go.
3) Requests for their support is beyond their self-absorbed ability. Your FIL sounds like he is at least narcissistic or at best hopelessly immature. Supporting you is not something he knows how to do.
It hurts when people we care about don't support us. But, there is also the fact that all of your friends were there for you and were prepared to support you until someone decided to fiddle with the wiring.
Good on your husband for seeing how wrong his father was.
It really sounds like a case of attempted sabotage. It happens occasionally that people close to us deliberately try to derail our sobriety. Sounds ridiculous, but they do. It's usually because they 1)drink too much themselves and your sobriety is threatening them. They think that you are trying to tell them to stop drinking when you stop drinking. Of course that's not the case but they will see it that way and dig in their heels and act out, like your FIL did.
Or, 2) they don't want the change. They like the status quo. There are aspects of the drinking dynamic that they enjoyed with you and don't want to see it go.
3) Requests for their support is beyond their self-absorbed ability. Your FIL sounds like he is at least narcissistic or at best hopelessly immature. Supporting you is not something he knows how to do.
It hurts when people we care about don't support us. But, there is also the fact that all of your friends were there for you and were prepared to support you until someone decided to fiddle with the wiring.
Good on your husband for seeing how wrong his father was.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by Anna 
Wow, that would be the last invitation he ever got to my house.
For me, recovery involved learning how to respect myself and that was very hard. What your father-in-law did was inexcusably disrespectful.
If your husband wants to spend time with him, maybe they could arrange something on neutral territory.
For me, recovery involved learning how to respect myself and that was very hard. What your father-in-law did was inexcusably disrespectful.
If your husband wants to spend time with him, maybe they could arrange something on neutral territory.
I'm so pissed off right now! I would NOT have been able to bite my tongue at the rudeness of your father-in-law's actions! Incredibly disrespectful!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Everyone has already said everything that I have wanted to say after reading your post. I am so sorry. I am very impressed by the one friend who had the gumption to stand up for you! I am not sure that you FIL should be invited back without an apology and I think your husband should make that clear. What was your MIL doing when this was going on??
Blows my mind when people will put alcohol over family relationships or friendships, but it has happened to me in my own family, so I understand. It just reinforces the nature of the beast that alcohol really is to families and to society as a whole.
Blows my mind when people will put alcohol over family relationships or friendships, but it has happened to me in my own family, so I understand. It just reinforces the nature of the beast that alcohol really is to families and to society as a whole.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
He sounds like a poisonous, nasty bitter old bastard. Your post really shocked me.
My husband has a so called friend like this, he is extremely wealthy and is actually a diagnosed sociopath. When I tried to quit smoking years ago he would come around on a daily basis smoking, leaving cigarettes at our house all while watching me intently.when I finally slipped his glee was unmistakable. What an a&& hole. Your Fil sounds like a psychopath. Wow can't believe how angry I feel for you. Be a cold day in hell before that man ever came near me again.
My husband has a so called friend like this, he is extremely wealthy and is actually a diagnosed sociopath. When I tried to quit smoking years ago he would come around on a daily basis smoking, leaving cigarettes at our house all while watching me intently.when I finally slipped his glee was unmistakable. What an a&& hole. Your Fil sounds like a psychopath. Wow can't believe how angry I feel for you. Be a cold day in hell before that man ever came near me again.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Kflee- I hope you take some comfort in knowing that not only do you have every right to be completely BS, but we're completely PO'd, right along with you - on your behalf!
A lot of others have said it, and I agree: Reading your post actually made me FEEL angry! So out of line. Can't even believe it. :::hugs::: Good job hanging in!
A lot of others have said it, and I agree: Reading your post actually made me FEEL angry! So out of line. Can't even believe it. :::hugs::: Good job hanging in!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: McKinlyville, Ca.
Posts: 214
All of you are so very correct.
My in laws paid for the party and put the whole thing together so that fact made it hard to give him the boot. I did not have problem with seeing the beer, but more the disrespect and comments made.He is an A and my husband tells me that his whole life he watched his mother covering up for him constantly.
My husband is very upset and did have a talk with him a bit today, but got interupted. I lost my mother,father,grandmother and Aunt at same time 4 years ago. My husbands family took me in and adopted my son as their own. I think that is why I am so hurt. They are amazing grandparents and spend almost every other day taking 4 year old to activities, playdates, swim lessons etc..and 16 year old works for FIL as his CPAs assistant.
You are correct jdooner...there is more to it. My husband feels like it makes him feel uncomfortable cuz family has been trying to get him to stop for years. He is in such poor health, as I am his Physical Therapist.Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Osteo and Rhuematoid Arthritis, and the list goes on. It might be hard for an old stubborn man to listen to everyone giving me compliments and how proud they are...and how good I look..and how I will live longer healthier life. My Hubby thinks his dad is insecure and in such complete denial that we have to take it one step at a time with him as well.
This may sound weird, but after posting this and reading the great support and responses, it has calmed me down. I think I will set a time to talk with him alone. Nicely explain that everybody is different...and I am one of those that will not be drinking anymore and would appreciate no alcohol when stated. I can tell that I will learn a lot more through my SR pals and their situations, but for now I am gonna focus on enjoying rest of day and be glad I am sober day 16.
My in laws paid for the party and put the whole thing together so that fact made it hard to give him the boot. I did not have problem with seeing the beer, but more the disrespect and comments made.He is an A and my husband tells me that his whole life he watched his mother covering up for him constantly.
My husband is very upset and did have a talk with him a bit today, but got interupted. I lost my mother,father,grandmother and Aunt at same time 4 years ago. My husbands family took me in and adopted my son as their own. I think that is why I am so hurt. They are amazing grandparents and spend almost every other day taking 4 year old to activities, playdates, swim lessons etc..and 16 year old works for FIL as his CPAs assistant.
You are correct jdooner...there is more to it. My husband feels like it makes him feel uncomfortable cuz family has been trying to get him to stop for years. He is in such poor health, as I am his Physical Therapist.Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Osteo and Rhuematoid Arthritis, and the list goes on. It might be hard for an old stubborn man to listen to everyone giving me compliments and how proud they are...and how good I look..and how I will live longer healthier life. My Hubby thinks his dad is insecure and in such complete denial that we have to take it one step at a time with him as well.
This may sound weird, but after posting this and reading the great support and responses, it has calmed me down. I think I will set a time to talk with him alone. Nicely explain that everybody is different...and I am one of those that will not be drinking anymore and would appreciate no alcohol when stated. I can tell that I will learn a lot more through my SR pals and their situations, but for now I am gonna focus on enjoying rest of day and be glad I am sober day 16.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Kflee, I'm glad you're feeling better. I imagine reading everyone's outrage may've been pretty cathartic! :-)
It makes a lot of sense that you handled it the way you did. In light of everything, I think you handled it the best way you could. I'm inspired by your strength and patience. Your post really made me think about my own reactivity, in terms of what is/is not appropriate. I have a long way to go still, and I think you should be really proud of yourself.
Congrats on day 16!!!
It makes a lot of sense that you handled it the way you did. In light of everything, I think you handled it the best way you could. I'm inspired by your strength and patience. Your post really made me think about my own reactivity, in terms of what is/is not appropriate. I have a long way to go still, and I think you should be really proud of yourself.
Congrats on day 16!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: McKinlyville, Ca.
Posts: 214
Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better and am able to think logically without getting angry or sad. I'm thankful to have you because you gave me time to talk about it and learn how to handle the situation rationally. That is the only real way to get him to listen and respect me. If I came at him angry he would close up and shut me out.
Who knows...maybe this can lead to change not just in me. I know my MIL does not like his drinking. But she is opposite of me. She lives and does everything for her husband, where I do things for my husband as he does equally for me. So she will always defend him, but I don't blame her or hold resentment. Im glad my husband took the negative from childhood and became amazing, caring and giving person.He believes that our past shapes us and we can chose to handle it the way we are mean to. Now I know what more of what I am going to be dealing with. That is fine. I have been ready for anything since the minute I became sober.
Thanks gang
Who knows...maybe this can lead to change not just in me. I know my MIL does not like his drinking. But she is opposite of me. She lives and does everything for her husband, where I do things for my husband as he does equally for me. So she will always defend him, but I don't blame her or hold resentment. Im glad my husband took the negative from childhood and became amazing, caring and giving person.He believes that our past shapes us and we can chose to handle it the way we are mean to. Now I know what more of what I am going to be dealing with. That is fine. I have been ready for anything since the minute I became sober.
Thanks gang
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
My dad is a lot like this. I'm convinced that there's no real thought process that goes on...my dad just does what he wants.
I had to break contact for a while, and it worked, as well as it's ever going to anyway LOL...my dad is still selfish rigid and childish but there's definitely more respect there now.
Maybe your FIL will get the message too?
D
I had to break contact for a while, and it worked, as well as it's ever going to anyway LOL...my dad is still selfish rigid and childish but there's definitely more respect there now.
Maybe your FIL will get the message too?
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
I had to wait to post cos i was angry .
Your house , your rules .
No invitation again. Good for you .
Your husband needs to set his Dad straight so you don't look like the bad guy .
Proud of you , I could have punched everyone else who took the beer also , knowing you had requested NONE .
. Hugs you did well xx
Your house , your rules .
No invitation again. Good for you .
Your husband needs to set his Dad straight so you don't look like the bad guy .
Proud of you , I could have punched everyone else who took the beer also , knowing you had requested NONE .
. Hugs you did well xx
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