CaliButterfly

So I've been reading & posting on this site fairly regularly for the last week & a half or so, determined to stay sober again, but drank a bottle of wine last night after 13 days of sobriety... Before yesterday I thought, hey, I made it almost a year before, I know what to do, how to do it, and the triggers to watch for. I understand the AV, been to inpatient detox, IOP, countless AA meetings, and saw major disappointment from my teenage boys when I drink. I know the health risks, and the crappy feeling of withdrawl. Heck, I've got the ego the size of Texas because I've been there, done that, and I know everything about everything... (of course I don't, just being facetious). I know staying sober takes a lot of continued effort and dedication, and that sometimes even isn't enough. I am sick to my stomach right now because I want to drink tonight so bad I can't stand it. I have nobody to answer to, I'm depressed, AA doesn't help me, I don't put myself in dangerous situations, and my only friend is a heavy drinker so she doesn't want me to stop. I have read posts on SR all day, hoping to find inspiration. I can dish out advice, but I can't even follow what I preach. How does someone that has been a "high-functioning" alcoholic find the determination? Does it take a catastrophic event to finally stop the madness?

ScottFromWI

It takes a desire from within in my opinion, and it doesn't have to come from a catastrophic event. You will eventually reach the point that your life starts to suffer in catastrophic ways from drinking though. "High functioning" is merely a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholic. High functioning alcoholics inevitably become low functioning alcoholics. And some make it all the way to non-functional.

For me it was the realization that i cannot drink responsibly. I always get drunk when I drink and when I get drunk I am not much use to anyone. The only way to change that is to not drink at all, ever. And frankly, now that I don't drink anymore I realize how foolish it was to begin with. There is NOTHING about my life that hasn't gotten better since I quit - absolutely nothing.

Look for inspiration just in your daily life - it's there, you just need to take off the booze binders.

PurpleKnight

I wouldn't say we all need a catastrophic event to gain the determination to stop, I was pretty "high functioning", got up for work in the morning, puked my guts up, showered, shaved, went to work, "survived" until 5pm, came home, opened a bottle and drank until blacking out into bed once again. . . then put that video on repeat and that was the last 4 years before becoming Sober, it was only a few months ago.

My workmates are still oblivious, they don't know that one random day in November I quit alcohol, I arrived in the next Monday morning and no one would have known the difference, only I did, they may have thought I maybe had a better sleep that particular night, or change of diet, but I'm sure alcoholism was the last thing on their mind.

I think it's all about finding that determination in the reasons for quitting, but only ourselves can find those reasons, they need to be personal to us, then after making the decision, changing our complete lifestyle, to a routine that now doesn't facilitate alcohol, it's almost like a full time job, but slowly the new pattern of life will become routine, this I am re assured of from those Sober for decades, those that don't get cravings anymore, life with alcohol is a distant memory!!

doggonecarl

No. For too many, unless the catastrophe is death, we keep on drinking.

I don't know why you feel you can't commit to recovery. Here's a thought, don't wait until you "feel" like quitting. Just quit and wait for the benefits of sobriety to come to you.

Lifewillgetbet

This is why I like being an SR member. I am going through exactly the same thing. I slipped after 5+ months and know what to do as well. Im discusted with myself. The thought of drinking tonight has also entered my thoughts but we can't do it!!! If we continue or we are done for and the shame/guilt gets worse. Its wild how after only 1 night it can all spiral downhill so quickly. We just have to get over this hump. The awful feelings and emotions will go away the longer we are sober.
Tonight I will be sober. There is way too much to live for out there. Life is 100× better sober. We just have to believe.

Dee74

I may be a little blunt but:

and, for all that, now you can't make two weeks.

This thing is progressive.

Isn't your responsibility as a mom, and being the person you want to be, something to answer to?

maybe it time to find a few sober friends too?

Some of us needed to watch the whole car crash happen before we did something - you have a chance to get off at the nearest exit and avoid all that - I'd take it Cali

D

jaynie04

CB…you are really hard on yourself. Don't know if you know that but if you are that hard on yourself in your head maybe that is something to look at? Being self critical is so built in for me. I guess I figure if I can beat someone else to the punch I might take the sting out of it. It's exhausting and defeating.

I have tried to make a conscious effort to be kinder to myself. I have also tried to be really aware of my tendency to go big or go home. My therapist posed a question to me one day. "What is you got a B instead of an A?" (hypothetical) . I was shocked at the physical response I had to that question. And the most exhausting part is being that hyper vigilant and then trying to cover it up by appearing to be easy going.

I imagine most of the advice you give is probably really useful, I think a lot of times we can see things in others that they can't see in themselves. I feel so sad when I hear you bashing yourself. It sounds like you are used to accomplishing a lot. I don't think it takes a catastrophic event to stop the madness. For me it was quite the opposite…I got tired of the monotony of drinking and the grayness that lay ahead of me for sure if I kept drinking. The possibility of that future finally frightened me enough to say there has to be a better way. I know for sure that if I drink I will be right back on that dull dead end track. Sobriety may not always be wonderful, but at least I have the hope that things will improve. And I am willing to stay the course. I hope that you can learn to nurture yourself the way it sounds like you nurture others. You are worth it!

letustrythis123

I agree. I was high function for about a year. You may be there right now. One of my closest friends is a raging alcoholic as well and he was the only one I could morning drink with without feeling like a total outcast. Our friendship will have to end I think because it's based on booze. I'm not trying to be judgmental but I can't go back, no way. I know he will text me this week to meet up at the bar.

But seriously, the path from high function to unfunctioning is short and slippery. One day, I was using alcohol to get up the enthusiasm to run around outside with the kids, something, even sober, I don't LOVE doing. When we were kids, kids played together but nowadays its different, so my kids always wanted me involved. So when they are in the pool, they want me in. At first the alcohol gave me the energy to get in and be fun mom but I'd stay my distance because I feared they'd smell it on me. That was always awkward. Then when I was high functioning I'd use it as an energy jolt to get up and clean the house. Or to face those nasty tasks like emailing a bunch of people on business manners. The alcohol would give me the energy to jump in and get things done. That all changed. I was still functioning at the end, I did not miss work and was never late for the kids daycare or bus stop, but other than those duties, I could not clean house, I could not cook, I could barely take care of myself, I checked out with the kids, pretended to always be working on the computer. It was a disaster. And at the very end, I was nearly in and out of a coma the way I was sleeping like crazy at all times of the day. and waking at night. Ugh. I never want to be there again.

No disasters in my life thankfully. Gotta say that there could have been. I did some really risky things like driving. I shudder to think of the consequences and guilt I'd be living with. But I just got fed up with the non-life I was barely living. Even at three days, I am so much happier.

littlefish

I figure it took me about 2.5 years to get sober. I was in an outpatient program and stayed sober for 10 months with the program using antabuse, joined aa, left the outpatient program, quit antabuse, relapsed, stayed in aa despite drinking, relapsed repeatedly, went back in the outpatient, went back on antabuse. Gah! It was a roller coaster ride.
When I look back, I think reaching solid sobriety was a combination of factors that finally melded. I spent a long time thinking I could still drink safely if I created all the right conditions. Then it would always blow up in my face.

When I finally accepted that I can never, ever, drink even one single drink safely, I started to rack up the sober days. I had to believe that I cannot drink, on not just an intellectual level, I had to believe it right down to my core being, not just in my head, but in my heart and soul. I use psychic change as what happened.

All the things I heard in aa, the speakers I downloaded from the net, the books I read. I think they finally all sunk in and created an essential psychic change. I think having the personality type of being very slow to change, and being rather stubborn did not help me!

Dee74

oh...and you're not a hypocrite

you know what the right things to do are, maybe, like most of us, you just need to learn to show yourself the same care and regard you show others?

D

CaliButterfly

You guys are the best. And I like blunt, tell it like it is. I think the most frustrating part is having that internal argument about the car crash. I don't need to see it, I know it's coming if I don't stop the car. And yes Life, everything is 100x better sober. Thank you all for reminding me of that.

least

for you from a fellow Buckeye.

CaliButterfly

My God Jaynie... that is so accurate it's almost scary. From the "B" instead of an "A" example, to being self-critical, to trying to appear easy-going while wanting to maintain the highest standards for myself... I try to care about others, but I don't cut myself the same slack. And I certainly don't want a dull, dead end life, alone and drunk every night. What fun is that? So I'll go home, bypass the liquor store, make myself some hot tea, and read. And read, and read some more. And this too shall pass. Thank you again....

ChrissieB

Hi Cali I am glad you posted, this is a serious illness and it progresses, forgive yourself, your desire to stop is there, you haven't failed you have just found out what doesn't/isn't working. AA works for me.... Although I was in and out for several years always to drink again, initially I couldn't identify with anyone in AA (I wasn't like them.)I could only compare. recently I heard of this way to read the Big Book and to listen to speakers and people sharing. Hopefully it will strike a chord with you.
Have you felt how they felt, have you drank as they drank, have you thought as they thought and have you done the things they have done? Getting a sponsor and going through the program has made all the difference to me.
Remember it is a program of action. Start by doing the next right thing xx

TTBABP

Great advice here. I'm going to try to use it too. On to tomorrow Cali - one day for me lets both have another!

forabetterlife

Cali, you are NOT a hypocrite – we are all here for the same reasons, for support when we need it, and to share wisdom when we have it. As much as I know that, I have often felt like you after a slip.
I would have to agree with the others that the determination has to come from within, that your desire to be sober is stronger than your desire to drink. Like you, I have no one to answer to but myself, and my friends here on SR of course. My teenage daughters would prefer if I don’t drink I’m sure, but I’ve also managed some clever ways to hide it from them (how awful).
Just don’t drink today, you will feel better tomorrow and take it from there. If you have made it a year, then you know that it gets better as time goes on

Kaneda8888

CB, from your prior attempt, its clear that you can do this. As other posters have said, you dont need a catastrophe. What you need to do is stop digging, ie, stop being negative about yourself and accept who you are. The past is gone. But you can turn around and start again. Its a new day, new beginnig. Start afresh and dont give up !

bigsombrero

What does "high functioning" mean? I think I know what you mean. I suppose I fit into that category. The answer is YES, I did need a catastrophic event to finally stop the madness. Sad but true. Take that for what you will.

jaynie04

You seriously just made my night!

KateL

I had some major catastrophies, but it doesn't have to be that way. You can do it. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and all that xxx