TTBABP

I keep screwing up. I deserve a kick in the pants not kind, gentle words of encouragement. I long, however, for the kind gentle words of encouragement. I know that I will get them from everyone here because so many of you are kind and gentle but most important you get it - the struggle that is.

Before starting this thread I read around most of the day and posted on a few other threads. Then I went back and read some of my previous threads/posts and just made myself sick. I did the exact same thing yesterday that I whined and complained about doing on at least three other occasions. I'm not dumb - generally - but clearly an idiot when it comes to this.

As this is longer than I intended this is the short of it: Once again I drank too much, acted the fool, almost did something really stupid and made my husband really, really mad. He is very understanding but this time I think I really screwed up and not sure if he will forgive or forget. Nothing completely catastrophic happened - thank heavens - but the disappointment of my husband, his anger and current coldness are killing me and its my own darned fault.

Ghostlight1

I hope you're not too hard on yourself. I tried to quit and failed so many times I couldn't count them. I let so many people down, made such an ass of myself and turned into a real alcoholic.
It's taken me a long time to quit. Heck, I joined here six years ago (under a different name) and I've been sober for three. So don't feel bad.
I hope things work out with your husband. Time heals all wounds.
And don't give up trying to quit, that's the important thing. You don't deserve a kick in the pants, you deserve understanding. You'll find it here.

Best to you.

mecanix

Change is possible TT,

One drink is a drink too much for this guy , moderation is some kinda torment for me , just drop the whole idea and live completely sober. Things are a lot more simple and better, whichever path you use .

Keep on ,

Bestwishes, m

BLackshirt

Change is possible, it can be achieved if we work for it. I can identify so well with your story and what you are going through. The good news is, it's not to late to start today, to not drink and to learn to live like a "normal" person. I am glad you are here and I don't mind if you whine, there are lots of new things to experience in sobriety.

One last thing, don't be too hard on yourself. We fight alcohol, cunning, baffling and powerful and alone it is too much for us...

Dee74

Welcome back TTBABP

I think you're going to hear change as a theme in this thread

Obviously whatever you've been doing is not working - have you any ideas on what you could add to your recovery regime?

do you need more support?
do you need to use that support more?

do you need to make lifestyle changes?
or even, have you accepted that you need to make changes?

all these kinds of questions are tough - but thinking about and answering them might get you to a new place - a place of new beginnings

D

TTBABP

Thanks everyone. Dee, sorry to make you repeat yourself because you have given me that excellent list of questions before. I will REALLY think about them this time and see what I come up with

Anna

I put myself into the same position that you are in, and it was miserable. I felt so totally lost and alone and had no faith in myself. I needed to accept that drinking was no longer an option, no matter what, ever. When I did that, things began to change, I began to change. Take action, do something today that will put you closer to stopping drinking. And, tomorrow, do the same. You can do this!

ForGodsmercy

HI TT I just wanted to write on your thread to tell you that i know exactly how you feel. I know the feeling of guilt after youve had a stumble. I hope you feel better today and a little better everyday. Try to focus on the fact that you haven't given up fighting and that you will try to get better again. Its tough but I think one of the most important things is to forgive ourselves. We are human and we make mistakes. Best of wishes to you!

least

I did the same thing for months. Kept failing over and over. But when I finally accepted that drinking was not an option for me, ever, then I could stay sober. It's because I finally wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

kflee

Ghostlight1 said it perfect. You cannot beat yourself up for the fact that you are in realization of you drinking. So many people try and may fall off, but they get back on. The ones who really want to will. You seem like that. If we never fell, how could we know we took things to far. Each time we may fall off the wagon, we start to realize we enjoy the hay ride and stay on the wagon for the whole ride.
I would rather my husband yell and be angry, than look at me and tell me he is just "disappointed" that is painful to hear.
Time to start a new regimen that works just right for you.

Hevyn

Good responses already TTBABP - so I'll just add my support to the others.

I've been through this many times. I finally, deep-down realized that drinking would never, ever be fun again. It always led to dangerous behavior & an unpredictable outcome. I could no longer pretend I had any control. Once I really accepted that in my heart, I was able to rise above the temptations. You can do this.

Nonsensical

You realized drinking was a mistake.
You owned it.
You want to change it.

Reads like the start of every success story I see on this forum.

Let's do this!

Brian316

I don't think you are stupid but I would surmise that you are probably sick and you are here because you would like to get better. As others have said you are probably going to need to make some changes. It starts with not picking up that first drink.

courage2

TTBABP, you know it will only get worse if you don't take some action to change the course. Please get some live support that will help you quit -- AA or counseling or something. I can tell how unhappy you are, and it doesn't have to be that way. (( ))

MyTimeNow

Welcome back TTBABP - hope you are feeling a little brighter about things now and manage to sort things with your husband.

Charliee

Welcome back! I have been where you are lots of times and it really sucks, but it sounds like your husband is really supportive. The hardest part for me was not drinking again when I was feeling really guilty. All I wanted to do was numb myself as much as possible, but each and every time it was worse and of course I wanted another drink for the same reason. It is a terrible cycle, but it can be broken. Stay strong and reach out like you are now. Good luck

ReadyAtLast

Welcome back TTBABP
I understand how you are feeling. I know each time I drank and decided to quit it just seemed that little bit harder each time. But it can be done-you CAN do this. Just do whatever you have to do to not drink today. Get whatever support you need. It does get easier,I promise. Instead of keeping fighting it have acceptance that drinking is no longer an option

MidnightBlue

Hi, TTBABP!

I am so glad you are back.

Surely you deserve kind words and encouragement - for the fact alone that you don't give up and keep fighting coming here, being honest and reaching out for help.

Don't beat yourself up - it never works. Thought it can be very hard to leave the past behind it's the best and only way to move forward.

Analyze your mistakes, learn from them, and move forward. Do your best to work on sobriety and keep posting here. And we miss you on our Undies thread!

Best wishes and hugs to you.

Keep your chin up!

LadyinBC

First off a big hug.

Second you are not an idiot. You are sick and you have a disease. This disease wants you to feel hopeless and dumb. You are not. It wants you to dwell on the past and to not make any changes. Don't give your disease what it wants.

Keep going forward, don't look back. Don't ever give up the fight! You can do this!

TTBABP

Thanks again everyone. What a great encouraging way to begin my day with all of your support. I am trudging along and will stay close. Each of you has given me some particular word that has touched me and I wish I could response to each but I found the last time I was on the boards consistently - trying td do that that all the time became a lot of pressurre which made me not go on as often please know though that each of you has really given me soemthing special.