Mentium

I was an only child and probably as a result a bit of a loner. I had a few close friends as a kid but even with them I suspect I seemed a little on the distant side.

Drinking problematically from a pretty early age and for much of my adult life also kept me at a distance from people. I was a lone drinker for the most part and never got into a pub scene or any sort of long term social drinking set.

Don't get me wrong - I wasn't particularly shy and for most of my working life I had to mix with people - it was a people focused career ironically.

Having said all that now I am sober I have very few old long term friends. The longest close friends live over 200 miles away. I am making AA buddies - and they are people I like and I suspect will become good friends all being well.

Maybe I have missed the boat on the friendship score. Maybe the best friends one makes are early ion in life. Perhaps one never has such close friends again.

Any thoughts?

Lifewillgetbet

I am with you on this. I have always found it hard to make friends. I mean, I am in sales so I generally get along with people very well. For the most part all my old friends are addicts/alcoholics. I cant trust them, so I cant be around them anymore.
I have met some great people in AA and NA. They are always they are always there to talk to you if you put in the effort.
I have also found that I lost many of the friends I made in early life. We just all went our separate ways.

IOAA2

Many seem to have acquaintances which is good. Many years I was told that if we have 2 close friends we should consider ourselves lucky. This was from a very popular and successful person in the area.

BE WELL

ForMe423

I also have the same problem. I'm outgoing and friendly, but have always had a hard time keeping friends. Probably from my flakey behavior over the years. Now, I'm trying to learn to be my own best friend. Maybe after I learn how to do that, I'll be a better friend to others.

phoebe64

I identify with what you are saying mentium. I feel that way too.

Though, I do think it goes in phases. In college, I had a set of very close friends, and then, in my career, I made a couple. As a parent, I have made friends through the children, but as they switch friendships, there goes my mommy-friends.

I feel like right now, with my kids getting a bit older where they play with friends without me having to stay there, it is a phase of life where it is hard to make new friendships. My old friends are just too busy, and one group pretty much dropped me when I moved to an area a bit out of theirs. The rest of that group all got homes in the same town. Just easy for them to all see each other and they forgot about me, or never were all up for driving here if I invited them. So, it faded away.

Anyway, I also wonder if I can ever still form those lifelong friendship with anyone at a later age. I would like to hope so. I think we change and our friends change with that, but I am hopeful I will have more time to do activities once my kids are older and then, I will meet people who share those same interests. Seems a good way to meet like-minded people.

Anna

I thought about this issue quite a bit too. I was a military wife for 22 years and it's SO hard to make and keep friends in that situation. Everyone becomes somewhat standoffish because people keep coming and throughout your life. I never lived anywhere near my childhood home so old friends drifted away.

But, I began to understand that people come into your life for a reason and they may make only a brief appearance in the fabric of your life, but they may make a huge impression on you. Other people may stay in your life for a long time. What I'm trying to say is that there is a purpose for the people who come into your life. And, if that person drifts away after a few months, you may feel abandoned, but they have fulfilled the purpose they had for coming into your life.

doggonecarl

A loner here, too. My wife, and family make up my closest circle. I have one close friend locally, but we are drifting apart...just the natural course of events. For my friends who live away (my best friend lives in London, England), there are letters and phone calls and that keeps the friendship alive.

I find it tough making friends at 57 years old. It's not like I can knock on the neighbor's door and ask if Billy can come out and play. Also, as a man, I think I'm just uncomfortable with admitting to another adult male that I need a friend. Constricted by my gender.

phoebe64

I think you are onto something there, Carl. I do see where men are more inhibited to reach out in middle age. My husband is reluctant to call a new acquaintance, even when it sometimes means he goes alone to a basketball game with his season's tickets!

I recently watched some sitcom where the gag was that the wife was trying to set up her husband with a new friend. It got all silly and awkward. Cannot remmeber now what show it was. It was pretty funny. But obviously an issue if they parodied it in a show.

Ah! The Middle was the show.

As a woman, we often say, "We need to go out sometime!" But then, we never do. If i had a real plan for everytime someone says that to me, I would be very busy! I do it too. Then, I get shy to actually take the risk and make the call or plan.

NoJimmy

I have many friends, some from recently, some from childhood. Natural enough that my GF was my best friend and time spent with buddies tapered off, now single I'm feeling pretty lonely. It's natural enough to invest in a relationship/marriage, but I think keeping up with your buddies is an important part of maintaining your own identity in a relationship. But my buddies spend most of their time with significant others too, so it's limited. That's the way it is as adults, family first.

My hobbies also tend to drive my friendships, I ride dirtbikes, Harleys, play guitar, lift weights, train MMA and have buddies involved in all of those.

Dan Dare

Two of my best friends died when we were in our 20's so that shortened my list a bit right there.
Never been a "people" person, pretty private. But the friends I do have are the best I can ever ask for. True blue all the way.


I consider Dee to be one of my new friends. Hehe! You listenin' bro?

Threshold

Many of us find we simply don't meet as many new people as we age. We're not in school, or we haven't changed jobs and our social circle is the same people.

If we get into new groups, we meet new people and are more likely to make friends.

That is how I meet my new friends (I'm 48) I get involved in a group and we tend to drift towards people we find interesting.

Mentium, I know you are not religious, but have you ever checked out a Unitarian Universalist fellowship? I met some very interesting people there, and from what I know of you from your posts here you might meet some like minded active folks as well.

I have also made some great friends online, and while it's unfortunate that distance keeps us from getting together, they are true friends and these relationships greatly enhance my life. I met them on forums for various interests and issues that are an important part of my life.

I met my current BF when I was 45 yrs old, and I guess if I can find an intimate relationship on that level, we certainly can find a non romantic relationship as well.

Local libraries often have opportunities for groups of like minded people as well. Lectures, book groups, film groups, even a need for volunteers etc. I think it's an important enough part of life that we dedicate a couple hours a week to it.