Acheleus

Well I saw the girl I was with for three nights who said we could not be in a relationship because I did not have a year sober or work the steps yet. At the meeting I just looked away from her, but after I just left asap. I usually stay and go hang out with people. This is not fun.

I am 61 days sober and learning to accept sadness and disappointment. I really want to not feel this yearning I have for this person. Maybe I will get through this. I player music and sang earlier. Maybe I will go take a long walk. I miss her all the time.

newhope01

I am sorry that you're feeling sad right now but I am also happy to see that your willing to allow yourself to feel loss and learn how to cope with it properly. Remember this too shall pass and it is important to focus on your sobriety.

Of course easier said than done... have faith that the right person will come along when the time is right.

Inca

I feel for you and I'm sorry you are in pain right now. Remember that you can get through this. There are feelings and emotions that come up in early sobriety that have probably not been felt in awhile. It's ok to feel disappointed and anxious. Think about how strong you'll feel to know you have gotten through this without drinking.

1newcreation

Sry for situation not working out. Look at this from optimistic view; focus on your sobriety & btw congrats on 2 mths. Don't make any big decisions in 1st yr or 2 coz you're still finding yourself out
Best wishes

TigerLili

I'm sorry you feel bad. It sucks to want to be with someone who doesn't want to, or can't, be with you in return.

When I first came to AA someone who had about 15 years sobriety said to me that relationship breakups were the number one reason she saw people relapse over the years. That's obviusly anecdotal rather than a hard statistic, but it's always stuck in my mind.

Another

You can get through this Acheleus! By what was said it sounds like she wants you to succeed at sobriety. Some want to spend more time alone at certain points and maybe she wants to keep it simple now. Thanks for sharing this and lots of luck to you and your friend.

Acheleus

Yes we both like each other. I think I fell in love with her. Now I feel like leaving AA. It hurts to be in the same room with her. I glance over at her and she purposefully does not look at me as I avoid staring at her. It was lovely kissing her and hugging the other night even though she said I will change so much from the steps and one year.

Dee74

what about going to other meetings for a while Ach?

D

Acheleus

Yes I have work and school so I can only make the evening meetings. Deep down I think other girls and her sponsor are just jealous. I see a lot of sick people in the rooms. I will meditate about it. I keep wanting to send her sonething like the harold and maude soundtrack. This all makes me feel unwanted and stupid, I want to drink just so she will feel guilty. That is not right.

TigerLili

Drinking won't solve anything in this scenario. All you can do is feel your heartache and resolve to stay sober regardless. Is there someone else in the programme you can talk to? Are there other meetings in the area you can try out?

You are right that there are a lot of sick people in the rooms, and that includes you and I. Our thinking is not right. You KNOW you aren't thinking right just now.

Don't hesitate to call a crisis line, or even your local AA hotline, if it will help you to not pick up a drink. Getting drunk won't make this girl, or anyone else, feel bad. It will make her pity you and you want her respect, not pity, right?

Mags1

Hi Ach, keep sober for you, this is why she is giving you time. My emotions are like a roller coaster, it's the first real time in years I've been properly sober and I'm getting to know me. Unbelievable that you can live in a shell with a brain but not know oneself!

I know we want everything to be right just now this minute but it's not that easy. And let's face it, it will be worth waiting for and working towards.

A year is nothing in the big picture of things, I know an hour can be an eternity when we want and need someone or something.

Hang in there Ach x

Acheleus

Thank you all so much. Reading all day snd staying sober one 24 hours at a time.

Mags1

That's the way to do it, Acheleus, what a difference a day made x

doggonecarl

Which is exactly why they recommend no relationships while in early recovery.

TigerLili

Early recovery is tough. Keep on keeping on one day at a time. I hope your heart feels a bit better today.

Acheleus

Went to a meeting and shared. She was there and looked so sad it hurt me. Then I was walking out and talked to a friend. She was standing by the door and I was inches from here but did not say anything to her. I love her and I do not want her to feel uncomfortable. But I can feel this energy between us. It feels like I am on fire. Came home and took a 2 hour walk.

Renarde

If anything that will probably make her feel like she did the right thing to protect her sobriety. Just a thought. Dee once told me how counterproductive it is to drink AT people - something that is important for us to remember.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

If it's any consolation, I have family who met in AA and got heavily involved immediately in their early recoveries. They are divorcing now after 20 some years and the last two decades have been a complete and utter abusive disaster nightmare for not only them but them entire extended family. The man has been left a vacant, broken shell after 20 years with this woman. It is actually very tragic and the whole situation has caused tremendous pain for all involved.

It can be dangerous to meet and fall in love right away in AA. It's so intimate and it's close connection in a raw state and it's easy to divert energy to that relationship and generate more dysfunction, even with the best of intentions, instead of personal healing. Not saying everyone is like that or even that it's the norm - but there is some wisdom in backing off in the beginning. I've seen it happen in my own family.

Acheleus

Thanks Renarde.

I just glanced over at her a few times and she looked so upset. I want her to feel good and be happy, not anxious. Maybe I should just not go to the meetings she goes to. I do not know if I should communicate with her. She was at my place a few nights ago saying we can go out with the group and get to know each other as friends, but we were intimate, so I just follow my instincts and jet out of meetings now.

Renarde

You need to worry about your recovery. She proved she is responsible for hers by making this decision.

What would be the best thing for YOU to do for YOU? Are you focusing on meetings when you go, or are you speculating about her feelings and ruminating over interactions? Where can you go to feel safe and focused, not distracted?

Acheleus

I guess I do not feel good around her.

This all seems so dumb. I should just find female companionship somewhere else.