For Those Not Completely Committed to AA
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For Those Not Completely Committed to AA
There are those who make successful recoveries from alcoholism or substance dependency without participating in AA or whose participation has, in one way or another, not been thoroughgoing. Although this thread is not meant to encourage partial or selective participation, nor does it encourage a debate about AA versus other recovery methods, it may still be useful to point out aspects of AA which may benefit those who, for some reason or other, decline full participation.
First and perhaps foremost is the opportunity to associate with and relate to others in recovery, some of whom may have achieved substantial sobriety. Alcoholism had been called the “lonely disease” and being able to attend a meeting and hopefully form friendships and receive advice from others in recovery lessens the loneliness. Persons attending their first meeting often report a sense of relief to have been where they can freely admit their drinking and not be criticised for it.
Secondly, the program has over the years built up a collection of hints which may be useful tools to attain sobriety. Although these may at time be derided as mere “cliches” or boring oversimplifications, many of them contain wisdom which has been recognized for centuries and is thus hardly unique to AA. “One thing at a time” (reminiscent of Tao Buddhism), “Don’t try to change things which can’t be changed” (More from the Tao?), “Easy Does it” (Still more!), “Go with the Flow!” (More), “Turn it Over” (A corollary of not attempting to change the unchangeable), “Keep it Simple” (Don’t over intellectualize, yet don’t relapse into unthinking dogmatism).
Despite what many say, AA has helped many people. I know this because I have met them at many a meeting. But for those (like me) who have at times been troubled by some aspects of the program these benefits have far outweighed the detriments: the companionship which disperses loneliness, the sharing of confidences which diminishes denial and the various tools, some of them recognized since ancient times, for achieving wisdom and attaining maturity.
First and perhaps foremost is the opportunity to associate with and relate to others in recovery, some of whom may have achieved substantial sobriety. Alcoholism had been called the “lonely disease” and being able to attend a meeting and hopefully form friendships and receive advice from others in recovery lessens the loneliness. Persons attending their first meeting often report a sense of relief to have been where they can freely admit their drinking and not be criticised for it.
Secondly, the program has over the years built up a collection of hints which may be useful tools to attain sobriety. Although these may at time be derided as mere “cliches” or boring oversimplifications, many of them contain wisdom which has been recognized for centuries and is thus hardly unique to AA. “One thing at a time” (reminiscent of Tao Buddhism), “Don’t try to change things which can’t be changed” (More from the Tao?), “Easy Does it” (Still more!), “Go with the Flow!” (More), “Turn it Over” (A corollary of not attempting to change the unchangeable), “Keep it Simple” (Don’t over intellectualize, yet don’t relapse into unthinking dogmatism).
Despite what many say, AA has helped many people. I know this because I have met them at many a meeting. But for those (like me) who have at times been troubled by some aspects of the program these benefits have far outweighed the detriments: the companionship which disperses loneliness, the sharing of confidences which diminishes denial and the various tools, some of them recognized since ancient times, for achieving wisdom and attaining maturity.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Over 5 years of sobriety. I tried AA but it was not for me. Too much structure. Too many rules. But the biggest thing for me was that when I first quit, I didn't want anyone to know. This was a private thing for me. Being from such a small town, AA attendance is tough to hide.
Now, at this point in my life, I could care less who does or doesn't know, I've overcome that aspect but at the time, it was a main reason why I rejected AA.
Now, at this point in my life, I could care less who does or doesn't know, I've overcome that aspect but at the time, it was a main reason why I rejected AA.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 553
Thanks for your post. AA is critical for me to keep sober however is only one piece of my life. I was in AA before and kept relapsing so I knew I had to step up the work. I now also pray everyday, post on here, volunteer, and take service commitments. AA is definitely an enabler that allows me to do all of that and create some spiritual structure in my life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by wpainterw 
There are those who make successful recoveries from alcoholism or substance dependency without participating in AA or whose participation has, in one way or another, not been thoroughgoing. Although this thread is not meant to encourage partial or selective participation, nor does it encourage a debate about AA versus other recovery methods, it may still be useful to point out aspects of AA which may benefit those who, for some reason or other, decline full participation.
First and perhaps foremost is the opportunity to associate with and relate to others in recovery, some of whom may have achieved substantial sobriety. Alcoholism had been called the “lonely disease” and being able to attend a meeting and hopefully form friendships and receive advice from others in recovery lessens the loneliness. Persons attending their first meeting often report a sense of relief to have been where they can freely admit their drinking and not be criticised for it.
Secondly, the program has over the years built up a collection of hints which may be useful tools to attain sobriety. Although these may at time be derided as mere “cliches” or boring oversimplifications, many of them contain wisdom which has been recognized for centuries and is thus hardly unique to AA. “One thing at a time” (reminiscent of Tao Buddhism), “Don’t try to change things which can’t be changed” (More from the Tao?), “Easy Does it” (Still more!), “Go with the Flow!” (More), “Turn it Over” (A corollary of not attempting to change the unchangeable), “Keep it Simple” (Don’t over intellectualize, yet don’t relapse into unthinking dogmatism).
Despite what many say, AA has helped many people. I know this because I have met them at many a meeting. But for those (like me) who have at times been troubled by some aspects of the program these benefits have far outweighed the detriments: the companionship which disperses loneliness, the sharing of confidences which diminishes denial and the various tools, some of them recognized since ancient times, for achieving wisdom and attaining maturity.
First and perhaps foremost is the opportunity to associate with and relate to others in recovery, some of whom may have achieved substantial sobriety. Alcoholism had been called the “lonely disease” and being able to attend a meeting and hopefully form friendships and receive advice from others in recovery lessens the loneliness. Persons attending their first meeting often report a sense of relief to have been where they can freely admit their drinking and not be criticised for it.
Secondly, the program has over the years built up a collection of hints which may be useful tools to attain sobriety. Although these may at time be derided as mere “cliches” or boring oversimplifications, many of them contain wisdom which has been recognized for centuries and is thus hardly unique to AA. “One thing at a time” (reminiscent of Tao Buddhism), “Don’t try to change things which can’t be changed” (More from the Tao?), “Easy Does it” (Still more!), “Go with the Flow!” (More), “Turn it Over” (A corollary of not attempting to change the unchangeable), “Keep it Simple” (Don’t over intellectualize, yet don’t relapse into unthinking dogmatism).
Despite what many say, AA has helped many people. I know this because I have met them at many a meeting. But for those (like me) who have at times been troubled by some aspects of the program these benefits have far outweighed the detriments: the companionship which disperses loneliness, the sharing of confidences which diminishes denial and the various tools, some of them recognized since ancient times, for achieving wisdom and attaining maturity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: running from addiction
Posts: 147
Thanks for this post. I'm still working on getting into the program, it's my main goal for 2014. This helps me understand more of what it's about, and it's good to keep hearing the positive aspect of it.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by 2muchpain
Every meeting I have ever gone to, and that's a lot, have a group of people that have known each other forever. It would take an act of God to be accepted into that group. You can do everything they tell you to do, but you will always be an outsider.
The idea or suggestion that some people have an easier time making friends than others is born out of fear which, in turn, distorts our expectations of what friendship either is or should be. You don't need a PhD in intimacy to build a friendship.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
At one time, all of these people were every bit an outsider and as much a stranger to each other as you are to them now.
The idea or suggestion that some people have an easier time making friends than others is born out of fear which, in turn, distorts our expectations of what friendship either is or should be. You don't need a PhD in intimacy to build a friendship.
The idea or suggestion that some people have an easier time making friends than others is born out of fear which, in turn, distorts our expectations of what friendship either is or should be. You don't need a PhD in intimacy to build a friendship.
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
2much, do have any newcomers or beginners meetings near you? Not only do they have more newcomers attending (obviously) but the old timers who go to them most probably go to them because, for them, the newcomer really is the most important person in the room. They like hearing and helping newcomers because it keeps their own sobriety fresh and their problems right-sized.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
I for one am committed in that I go to four meetings a week. But that is not to say I don't have doubts, reservations and concerns. I think that applies to many people who go too. One isn't, as is perhaps sometimes thought by those who bash the programme (I know that isn't the purpose of this thread) required to blindly follow some pre-determined process. Indeed my sponsor is very fond of saying - and says it frequently - the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. I find that helpful.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South Texas
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by 2muchpain
It would take an act of God to be accepted into that group. You can do everything they tell you to do, but you will always be an outsider. I know because I've been there. Unfortunately, the newcomer is not the most important people at these meetings. They are and believe me, one way or another, they will let you know that.
i am sorry you felt unwelcome ... i never had that feeling ... nor really witnessed it - just the opposite actually ...
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by wpainterw
First and perhaps foremost is the opportunity to associate with and relate to others in recovery...
I still remember the sense of relief I felt the first time I was able to tell someone there are times when I hate everything about alcohol while I'm pouring another swallow down my throat - and they knew exactly what I meant. It felt like a heavy burden had been lifted from my back.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
If people are being exclusive I do not want what they have so why try.
On the OP. AA is so extensive there are many things you can take away even if you do not buy in 100% IOP one of the biggest is forming a social network of sober friends
On the OP. AA is so extensive there are many things you can take away even if you do not buy in 100% IOP one of the biggest is forming a social network of sober friends
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
2muchpain wrote in part "Every meeting I have ever gone to, and that's a lot, have a group of people that have known each other forever. It would take an act of God to be accepted into that group. You can do everything they tell you to do, but you will always be an outsider."
This has also happened in my experience. Indeed, there was one AA meeting, an anniversary of the group, where they went around the room and thanked every member for his or her contribution in the past. I was there with my wife and was surprised that I did not make the list.
This phenomenon is not unique to AA. I have found it common in many other groups of a volunteer nature. Not only is there an inner clique but that is often led by one or two members who tend to dominate the others. Despite these idiosyncrasies, AA has a lot to offer. Anything is acceptable if the issue at stake is sobriety.
W.
This has also happened in my experience. Indeed, there was one AA meeting, an anniversary of the group, where they went around the room and thanked every member for his or her contribution in the past. I was there with my wife and was surprised that I did not make the list.
This phenomenon is not unique to AA. I have found it common in many other groups of a volunteer nature. Not only is there an inner clique but that is often led by one or two members who tend to dominate the others. Despite these idiosyncrasies, AA has a lot to offer. Anything is acceptable if the issue at stake is sobriety.
W.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. Interesting perspectives. I understand how different things are preserved at meetings. At my meetings and most, the newcomers sit in the back leaving the front rows vacant so mostly veterans sit there, before or as soon as the meeting most newcomers bolt for the door. Most newcomers don't speak which is OK, they don't get active or partake in suggestions to stay sober and on and on. This is a learning experience. Many who do the learning are usually successful. How do I know? Been there for too long in the beginning.
We by nature are isolationist types and it's difficult being outgoing and social which is OK, just keep coming as we get better with time.
Yes I'm an oldtimer, sober before the words internet were muttered. And there are some things about AA I don't care for but it saved my azz and it works IF WE WORK IT. It took at times, many times repeating the Serenity Prayer to myself.
BE WELL
We by nature are isolationist types and it's difficult being outgoing and social which is OK, just keep coming as we get better with time.
Yes I'm an oldtimer, sober before the words internet were muttered. And there are some things about AA I don't care for but it saved my azz and it works IF WE WORK IT. It took at times, many times repeating the Serenity Prayer to myself.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
this is a good thread.
Here's my experience;
I first encountered 12 step programs when I was just fifteen. I participated in a teen-leadership event that was aimed primarily at preventing drug and alcohol abuse. While I enjoyed the camaraderie - I looked at the 12 step aspects like it was some cryptic form of archaic religion or language that didn't pertain to me.
I would drink heavily and experiment with many drugs over the ensuing years.
I first fully encountered AA in my early thirties. The fine Los Angeles County Courts made it one of their orders in response to my first DUI. I sat through several months of meetings, listening and feeling that I was not like "Them". I did my time and I rejected the structure and the spirituality and felt myself disgusted by people who were clearly way "worse" than me. I wasn't like "those" people.
I got another DUI about 7 years later. And during that time I began to actually consider that something might be going on here. But i didn't do anything about it. Then one day I came out of a blackout with my Mom and girlfriend standing there with my kids asking a lot of questions and obviously very concerned. I assured them nothing was wrong, got angry at them, couldn't figure out what the hell they were so upset about.
But as I came out of that haze and really understood what was going on, it hit me that I had a problem to deal with. I went to an AA meeting the next day, wrecked and ready to accept that maybe I was "like those people" after all.
I found strength at AA.
I found a sense of relief.
I found - as has been mentioned here - that I wasn't alone
I'd struggled for years with trying to 'moderate'. I fought this thing in isolation because I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to be different.
I found sobriety - for nearly 6 months.
But somewhere along the line I stopped going to AA as much. I began to tell myself I'd just needed a 'reset'. I needed to sober up for a while and get my head right. I just needed a break and I STILL wasn't like "all those people". So I'd had a couple DUIs and some blackouts over the years... still I hadn't lost everything. I didn't HAVE to drink. I didn't wake up every morning craving the booze. I could walk past a bar if I wanted to. I could even go to a bar and hang with boozers all night drinking water if I wanted.
So.... obviously. I was fine.
I went back to drinking and left AA behind.
It was fine for a while. Maybe a couple of months. No big deal. A drink here, a drink there, social drinking with friends and never getting loaded.
But then suddenly came a day when I found myself pointed toward the liquor store. Asking myself out loud "why the hell am I doing this"?? Responding to myself out loud "**** it...." Picking up a few shooters of vodka. No big deal. Just something to relax. At home. By myself.
It wasnt' long before those shooters turned to pints and the pints turned to fifths and I was waking up wondering what had happened a couple times a month. I went back to AA... but not serriously... just to "keep myself in check". Remind myself about "those people".
Then came the day I thought one afternoon... 'maybe a little whiskey in my coffee would be good'....
Next thing I remember is coming out of a blackout talking to two cops at my door. My ex had come by and we'd exchanged words and she called them. I was lucky. I was blessed. I was at home and apart from a well-being check there was nothing for them to do.... but this finally woke me back up.
When I allow alcohol into my life, it grows in its power over me and soon I am allowing it to control me and take me down a road of darkness.
And when I stray too far from a community of people like me, people who understand, people who help me feel it's OK to choose sobriety and help me remember why I've made that choice - then I begin to fool myself into allowing alcohol back into my life.
I don't work AA word for word. There are pieces of it I still have yet to accept.... I don't know if I will one day be totally AA to the letter, but I don't really worry too much about that. AA is an anchor I can find anywhere in the world I go and it's a place of experience, strength and hope in a world that is far too filled with messages and influences trying to pull me back into ruining my life with alcohol.
So, for me..... AA is essential to my happiness and my sobriety and my life. I don't always go daily, though sometimes I do. I don't always work on the steps, though I keep them in mind and try to at least remind myself daily of some of the basic tenets. I think that any alcoholic wishing to choose sobriety can benefit from AA and it helps to remember that while it may seem there are "too many rules" - really the ONLY rule is a desire to stay sober and a willingness to consider others' stories. Nobody will penalize you for not doing or saying certain things. Nobody forces you to read the Big Book. Nobody will check up on you or grade you or kick you out.....
There is absolutely nothing to lose, and your Life to gain.
That is my experience.
Here's my experience;
I first encountered 12 step programs when I was just fifteen. I participated in a teen-leadership event that was aimed primarily at preventing drug and alcohol abuse. While I enjoyed the camaraderie - I looked at the 12 step aspects like it was some cryptic form of archaic religion or language that didn't pertain to me.
I would drink heavily and experiment with many drugs over the ensuing years.
I first fully encountered AA in my early thirties. The fine Los Angeles County Courts made it one of their orders in response to my first DUI. I sat through several months of meetings, listening and feeling that I was not like "Them". I did my time and I rejected the structure and the spirituality and felt myself disgusted by people who were clearly way "worse" than me. I wasn't like "those" people.
I got another DUI about 7 years later. And during that time I began to actually consider that something might be going on here. But i didn't do anything about it. Then one day I came out of a blackout with my Mom and girlfriend standing there with my kids asking a lot of questions and obviously very concerned. I assured them nothing was wrong, got angry at them, couldn't figure out what the hell they were so upset about.
But as I came out of that haze and really understood what was going on, it hit me that I had a problem to deal with. I went to an AA meeting the next day, wrecked and ready to accept that maybe I was "like those people" after all.
I found strength at AA.
I found a sense of relief.
I found - as has been mentioned here - that I wasn't alone
I'd struggled for years with trying to 'moderate'. I fought this thing in isolation because I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to be different.
I found sobriety - for nearly 6 months.
But somewhere along the line I stopped going to AA as much. I began to tell myself I'd just needed a 'reset'. I needed to sober up for a while and get my head right. I just needed a break and I STILL wasn't like "all those people". So I'd had a couple DUIs and some blackouts over the years... still I hadn't lost everything. I didn't HAVE to drink. I didn't wake up every morning craving the booze. I could walk past a bar if I wanted to. I could even go to a bar and hang with boozers all night drinking water if I wanted.
So.... obviously. I was fine.
I went back to drinking and left AA behind.
It was fine for a while. Maybe a couple of months. No big deal. A drink here, a drink there, social drinking with friends and never getting loaded.
But then suddenly came a day when I found myself pointed toward the liquor store. Asking myself out loud "why the hell am I doing this"?? Responding to myself out loud "**** it...." Picking up a few shooters of vodka. No big deal. Just something to relax. At home. By myself.
It wasnt' long before those shooters turned to pints and the pints turned to fifths and I was waking up wondering what had happened a couple times a month. I went back to AA... but not serriously... just to "keep myself in check". Remind myself about "those people".
Then came the day I thought one afternoon... 'maybe a little whiskey in my coffee would be good'....
Next thing I remember is coming out of a blackout talking to two cops at my door. My ex had come by and we'd exchanged words and she called them. I was lucky. I was blessed. I was at home and apart from a well-being check there was nothing for them to do.... but this finally woke me back up.
When I allow alcohol into my life, it grows in its power over me and soon I am allowing it to control me and take me down a road of darkness.
And when I stray too far from a community of people like me, people who understand, people who help me feel it's OK to choose sobriety and help me remember why I've made that choice - then I begin to fool myself into allowing alcohol back into my life.
I don't work AA word for word. There are pieces of it I still have yet to accept.... I don't know if I will one day be totally AA to the letter, but I don't really worry too much about that. AA is an anchor I can find anywhere in the world I go and it's a place of experience, strength and hope in a world that is far too filled with messages and influences trying to pull me back into ruining my life with alcohol.
So, for me..... AA is essential to my happiness and my sobriety and my life. I don't always go daily, though sometimes I do. I don't always work on the steps, though I keep them in mind and try to at least remind myself daily of some of the basic tenets. I think that any alcoholic wishing to choose sobriety can benefit from AA and it helps to remember that while it may seem there are "too many rules" - really the ONLY rule is a desire to stay sober and a willingness to consider others' stories. Nobody will penalize you for not doing or saying certain things. Nobody forces you to read the Big Book. Nobody will check up on you or grade you or kick you out.....
There is absolutely nothing to lose, and your Life to gain.
That is my experience.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Everyone's responses have been fantastic and full of wisdom. I think the mistake I made was thinking AA had all the answers, when the truth is it is only part of the solution. Going home after a meeting and sitting around my apartment alone just isn't going to cut it. I have no family or friends where I live and that has to change. I need to get out more and find a way to be around people and maybe connect with some people. It's just that by making a few connections in AA would of been nice, because you can hang out with them and not worry about booze, whereas hanging out with other people might involve going to a bar or hanging out at someone's house with liquor involved. It would of been nice not to have to deal with it. This has happened to me in the past and has always gotten me messed up. It's amazing what people will do just to feel they are part of a group.
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