pray4comfort

my 26 year old daughter is an alcoholic. today she went to jail. i had taken her car keys and my mother had stopped by. it ended up my daughter pulling my shirt and demanding her car keys back and my mother getting hit by my daughter. she was arrested and is in jail until monday her court date. i know it is where she needs to be. she has been to rehab 2x's now and does okay for a while then back to drinking. i cannot tell you how many empty vodka i have found. it is breaking my heart. i have guardianship of her 6 year old. it is becoming to much trying to help my daughter without feeling completely exhausted. i am not going to bond her out. i need to know am i doing the right thing and has anyone been here before?

Marcher13

Welcome to SR pray4comfort I have not been in your situation but others here have, you'll find a lot of support here. It sounds like you have done all you can do for her, have you got support from any medical or social services?

KateL

I am from the other side mwhahahaha. I'm not sure if I am supposed to comment, but I feel for you and think you are doing the right thing. You must think of yourself and the little one. Perhaps she will be made to detox and find the help she needs. You can only do so much. Well done xxxxx

Hevyn

Welcome pray4comfort. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in over your daughter, but very glad you reached out to SR.

I don't have experience with this either, but as Marcher said others here have been through similar things. You may want to check out our Friends & Family Forum too. I hope being here will help with the anxiety you're feeling. You are not alone.

Anna

I hope you find some peace for yourself and for your granddaughter.

suki44883

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't bond her out, either. At least she's not drinking where she is. Does your daughter live with you? You don't have to allow that, either, if she can't abide by whatever rules you have set down. Did your mother press charges against her? If so, I would advise her NOT to drop the charges. Your daughter must be accountable for her actions. Violence is NEVER right and it's best she learn that now before she tries it with someone who might badly hurt her.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. We also have a friends and family of alcoholics forum you might want to post in and read from others who have dealt with the same things you are. Here's a link...

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Seren

Hello pray4comfort, Welcome to SR!

I have a stepson who has been in jail, prison, homeless, etc. I know that it feels cruel and mean to leave your daughter in prison, but you are doing the right thing, in my opinion.

It was her behavior that landed her in prison. At 26, she is old enough to be responsible for her actions and the consequences of those actions. You are doing a wonderful thing by taking care of that precious little one!

Hollyanne

There is a "friends and family" forum.
They will have a lot of advice and support for you but you are welcome here too.
I am with Kate.
Let her there.
Look after yourself and the little one.
Consequences.
Never stand in the way of an alcoholic/addict and their bottom.
I am a recovering alcoholic. It can be done but not by "helping" in that way.
She can sober up in jail. She will be angry with you. You would be better off finding information on AlAnon in your area.
That is for you.
She will only seek sobriety when she feels the pain of her addiction.
If you bail her out, it will just prolong the denial.
Best of luck to you. Thanks for caring. Hard for the parents.

ForMe423

She has to truly want to change or this cycle won't ever stop, unfortunately. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hopefully this will wake her up. But if it doesn't, it's not your fault. It's the disease. It's wonderful that you are taking care of your grandchild. I have a 5 year old myself and your daughter should be so grateful to you for doing this. You daughter has to want to help herself and until that happens, you need to take some time for yourself and rest up! At least you know she cannot drink where she is now, so knowing she's safe, pamper yourself a bit!

Xoxo

KateL

Yes, you should get some good nights of sleep and have fun with your grandchild.xxx

least

I'm sorry for your situation. I believe you are doing the right thing in not enabling her. Let her feel the consequences of her actions. Get support for yourself at AlAnon. You need it.

Raider

I'm very sorry to hear this. I have no advice. Prayers, I have prayers.

Kris47

Just sending good thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

Rest easy knowing you've done the right thing.

Mountainmanbob

sitting in jail for a few days
gives one a good chance to think
and makes an impression on some
let's hope that your daughter sees the light

Mountainman

Notimetoloose

Hey Pray, On this site there is a section especially for family and friends, people that are going through exactly what you are going through.

I have a adult son with addiction and medical problems.

I have learnt that I need to assert real boundaries that enable me to cope.
Those boundaries are decided by me and only me, they are what I can live with and what I cant.

That said....

I need to respect my son and not nag, scream, snoop or disrespect him. I already know he is addicted.
I need to be ready to listen to him when he is ready to talk.
I need to choose my words wisely when I communicate with him and try never to say words like "You" this or "You" that.
I already know how defencive he is and these YOU YOU words will only inflame and set back our communication.
I try and use words Like "I feel", "I feel" is hard to attack. I also know that he is not happy.

I dont need to be a doormat or enable him in anyway. I am his Mum

I don't subscribe to the Dr. Phils of this world and the theory of kicking them to the curb and let them hit rock bottom,
Perhaps if Dr Phil had a look around the back streets of his City at night he might meet a whole lot of people who never got of rock bottom...

I understand your exhaustion and I understand and feel for you...Try and take today to let the drama of todays events settle and the rawness pass...if possible talk to a councilor.
Talk to the social worker of the prison to make sure that they are aware that your daughter is an alcoholic and the necessary precautions are made.

Raider

I have learnt that I need to assert real boundaries that enable me to cope.
Those boundaries are decided by me and only me, they are what I can live with and what I cant.

That said....

I need to respect my son and not nag, scream, snoop or disrespect him. I already know he is addicted.
I need to be ready to listen to him when he is ready to talk.
I need to choose my words wisely when I communicate with him and try never to say words like "You" this or "You" that.
I already know how defencive he is and these YOU YOU words will only inflame and set back our communication.
I try and use words Like "I feel", "I feel" is hard to attack. I also know that he is not happy.



Notimetolose - can you tell my Mom that?

Notimetoloose

Hey Raider,

LOL. Mums, we can be a handful, its hard for everyone and we parents can have lot to answer for.

pray4comfort

Thanks everyone. I have had a rather sleepless night. I guess worrying. My heart says one thing and my mind says another. But I only want her to get help. The police are aware of her drinking. I spoke with the arresting officer yesterday and he gave me the phone number for a reassessment recovery agency. I am still waiting to hear back. She was going to leave in her car because my Mom had poured her vodka down the drain and I hid her keys. When she realized I was not going to give her the keys she went berserk. I offered to give her a ride anywhere she wanted but I know she was heading to the liquor store. She would not accept my offer and continued the ranting which led to a scuffle between her, me and my Mom. My Mom called the police. I will point out she has been to rehab twice already. She is a good heated person and without the alcohol this would have never happened. But I know she will be mad about all this and but I can't do anymore then I am already trying to do.

Kris47

Hope the day brings you and your daughter some solutions.

Sending some prayers your way.