Hello from a newcomer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 77
Hello from a newcomer
Hi there,
I came across this site after someone recommended it on a forum for anxiety sufferers. I would love some reassurance from others who may have been in a similar situation.
Basically, I suffer from a condition called 'sensorimotor OCD', which is the inability to switch off from normal, automatic bodily functions such as blinking, swallowing and breathing. For me, it's my breathing, which causes me to manually control it, and sends me into a state of panic and hyperventilation. I've been a very anxious person for some time, but in the past, it's always been a fleeting and fairly normal worry, like 'what if I fail my exams?', 'what if I am not able to hold down a job?', and I have been able to function normally and without the use of alcohol.
This kind of anxiety is different, though - it is unrelenting, and plagues my thoughts every minute of every day. I have been unable to even fall asleep, because I cannot 'let go' of my breathing and I am physically exhausted. One day, back in 2007, I decided to pour myself a glass of red wine. It was almost as if the tension dissipated immediately. For about the last five years, I have had what could probably be descried as a 'mild' dependency. I would get home from work and pour myself a glass as a way of relaxing, but I was able to stop at that one glass and savour it throughout the evening - it didn't even cross my mind that I might need a second.
The last year, my situation has changed, though. My alcohol use has spiralled into an addiction, fuelled by my sensorimotor OCD. First of all, it was a couple of glasses a night, then before long, a bottle. I realised it was becoming a problem, so I visited my GP, who put me on Diazepam (5mg three times a day for two weeks). In the UK though, doctors are very reluctant to prescribe this medication long-term, due to the potential for addiction. At the end of those two weeks, I felt in a relatively stable emotional state, so I tapered off over a couple of days and was soon back to where I started, drinking wine every night. I went through this cycle a couple of times - realising I had a problem, going to the GP to get a rationed supply of anti-anxiety medication, being forced to come off it, and ending up back where I started. I was told that the only option would be to go on antidepressants. So, in my desperation, I agreed. I have tried two so far - Prozac and Citalopram, and both made my anxiety unbearable. It soon got to the point where I couldn't even leave my front door and, in the case of the Prozac, I lost a stone over about two weeks as I couldn't stop throwing up. This has only increased my reticence to try anything else.
Since September, my drinking has got to unbearable levels - it has been in excess of 2 bottles of wine daily for the last five weeks, and I drank at a similar level for one week in September - it took an in-patient detox to get me to stop. It doesn't help that I have severe health anxiety, and I am aware of the risk of convulsions and delirium tremens if I stop suddenly. I have also read that these carry a 5% mortality rate, even with inpatient treatment, which has made me beyond scared to just stop cold-turkey and go on medication.
I again visited the GP yesterday and begged her to help me, but her advice was just to taper off gradually. It is hard to do this when the drink is making me feel really sick and causing my heart to race. I have tried to reassure myself that the risk of mortality is probably greatest in long-term drinkers and those who are older (I am only 29), but finding the willpower to stop is so hard. I have a phobia of hospitals - not being able to stop thinking about my breathing 24/7 and being stuck on a ward where I have literally no mental stimulation and I'm away from my partner and family when normally I cannot even leave the house scarred me mentally last time.
I would be interested to hear other people's stories, being (relatively) new to severe alcohol addiction (2 bottles of wine a day over 6 weeks in total last year) and especially if anyone has had any success with a home detox using the tapering off method.
Sorry to ramble, but I am a bag of nerves at the moment and just wanted to share my story with people who understand the struggles we face.
I came across this site after someone recommended it on a forum for anxiety sufferers. I would love some reassurance from others who may have been in a similar situation.
Basically, I suffer from a condition called 'sensorimotor OCD', which is the inability to switch off from normal, automatic bodily functions such as blinking, swallowing and breathing. For me, it's my breathing, which causes me to manually control it, and sends me into a state of panic and hyperventilation. I've been a very anxious person for some time, but in the past, it's always been a fleeting and fairly normal worry, like 'what if I fail my exams?', 'what if I am not able to hold down a job?', and I have been able to function normally and without the use of alcohol.
This kind of anxiety is different, though - it is unrelenting, and plagues my thoughts every minute of every day. I have been unable to even fall asleep, because I cannot 'let go' of my breathing and I am physically exhausted. One day, back in 2007, I decided to pour myself a glass of red wine. It was almost as if the tension dissipated immediately. For about the last five years, I have had what could probably be descried as a 'mild' dependency. I would get home from work and pour myself a glass as a way of relaxing, but I was able to stop at that one glass and savour it throughout the evening - it didn't even cross my mind that I might need a second.
The last year, my situation has changed, though. My alcohol use has spiralled into an addiction, fuelled by my sensorimotor OCD. First of all, it was a couple of glasses a night, then before long, a bottle. I realised it was becoming a problem, so I visited my GP, who put me on Diazepam (5mg three times a day for two weeks). In the UK though, doctors are very reluctant to prescribe this medication long-term, due to the potential for addiction. At the end of those two weeks, I felt in a relatively stable emotional state, so I tapered off over a couple of days and was soon back to where I started, drinking wine every night. I went through this cycle a couple of times - realising I had a problem, going to the GP to get a rationed supply of anti-anxiety medication, being forced to come off it, and ending up back where I started. I was told that the only option would be to go on antidepressants. So, in my desperation, I agreed. I have tried two so far - Prozac and Citalopram, and both made my anxiety unbearable. It soon got to the point where I couldn't even leave my front door and, in the case of the Prozac, I lost a stone over about two weeks as I couldn't stop throwing up. This has only increased my reticence to try anything else.
Since September, my drinking has got to unbearable levels - it has been in excess of 2 bottles of wine daily for the last five weeks, and I drank at a similar level for one week in September - it took an in-patient detox to get me to stop. It doesn't help that I have severe health anxiety, and I am aware of the risk of convulsions and delirium tremens if I stop suddenly. I have also read that these carry a 5% mortality rate, even with inpatient treatment, which has made me beyond scared to just stop cold-turkey and go on medication.
I again visited the GP yesterday and begged her to help me, but her advice was just to taper off gradually. It is hard to do this when the drink is making me feel really sick and causing my heart to race. I have tried to reassure myself that the risk of mortality is probably greatest in long-term drinkers and those who are older (I am only 29), but finding the willpower to stop is so hard. I have a phobia of hospitals - not being able to stop thinking about my breathing 24/7 and being stuck on a ward where I have literally no mental stimulation and I'm away from my partner and family when normally I cannot even leave the house scarred me mentally last time.
I would be interested to hear other people's stories, being (relatively) new to severe alcohol addiction (2 bottles of wine a day over 6 weeks in total last year) and especially if anyone has had any success with a home detox using the tapering off method.
Sorry to ramble, but I am a bag of nerves at the moment and just wanted to share my story with people who understand the struggles we face.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Welcome to SR.
I never had any OCD issues, but panic and anxiety were issues that defined me for decades, so alcohol was my solution, and helped me swallow a boat load of benzodiazepines.
I think you are on the right track in seeking a doctor for support, but many of us have found tapering alcohol impossible. If one or two drinks kept my hands from shaking, than four or five would get rid of any other issues I had, so why not finish the bottle and start another.
I've also been on nearly every new and old-school anti-depressant out there, and while I never had a physically violent reaction as you did, the side effects were debilitating.
Another thought from your thread was you statement that five percent of folks going through alcohol withdrawal die, and that a greater amount have the DTs, seizures, you name it.
Medical help in alcohol detox is a must, but I hope you don't let fear steer you clear of seeking sobriety. I think drinking two bottles of wine for a period of a month or so last year doesn't set you up for worst-case scenario detox issues. And if you're doctor prescribed some anti-anxiety medication to detox, that risk drops substantially.
Again, my OCD issues never manifested as phsyical tics or movements, but OCD thoughts sure ruled my life along with panic and anxiety. Could you seek out another doctor for advice? Could you just quit and stick with the short-term benzo to stave off any serious withdrawal issues?
Again, welcome to SR. Lots of support, wisdom and caring here.
I never had any OCD issues, but panic and anxiety were issues that defined me for decades, so alcohol was my solution, and helped me swallow a boat load of benzodiazepines.
I think you are on the right track in seeking a doctor for support, but many of us have found tapering alcohol impossible. If one or two drinks kept my hands from shaking, than four or five would get rid of any other issues I had, so why not finish the bottle and start another.
I've also been on nearly every new and old-school anti-depressant out there, and while I never had a physically violent reaction as you did, the side effects were debilitating.
Another thought from your thread was you statement that five percent of folks going through alcohol withdrawal die, and that a greater amount have the DTs, seizures, you name it.
Medical help in alcohol detox is a must, but I hope you don't let fear steer you clear of seeking sobriety. I think drinking two bottles of wine for a period of a month or so last year doesn't set you up for worst-case scenario detox issues. And if you're doctor prescribed some anti-anxiety medication to detox, that risk drops substantially.
Again, my OCD issues never manifested as phsyical tics or movements, but OCD thoughts sure ruled my life along with panic and anxiety. Could you seek out another doctor for advice? Could you just quit and stick with the short-term benzo to stave off any serious withdrawal issues?
Again, welcome to SR. Lots of support, wisdom and caring here.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Welocme, I have never tapered off, just went cold turkey at home, more times than I care to remember, not realising the danger. I really think you should try to find some sort of detox program and proper help for your anxietry. It seems bizarre that a doctor is telling you to taper off when it's making you so unwell. xxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 539
OK, you sound a LOT like me.
I too am 29 and struggle with anxiety, hypochondria, and alcoholism.
I started drinking to help with my social anxiety, it worked, but with ramifications obviously.
I drank to help with my regular anxiety, which only helped while I was drunk, the anxiety when I am hungover was unbearable. I pretty much think Im dying every time.
Im sorry I can't even think clearly because Im on day 2 and its brutal, and I have so much to say! ugh!
I even have the same breathing anxiety as you, it drives me crazy when people say "Take deep breaths for panic attacks" yeah right! So I can mess up my breathing pattern and then think i screwed it up so bad that Im not getting enough oxygen!!
Also heart attacks...oh boy. I read one day that heart attacks can feel like indigestion. Well guess what? That night I had a smidge of heart burn and automatically assumed I was in heart failure. I was in my bathroom reading my bible considering calling 911 for a heart attack.
I had to sit on the floor folding laundry and checking my pulse for 2 hours until I realized i wasnt dying.
BTW this was after drinking...
I also lay in bed and feel like my chest is hurting and that it must be a heart problem, every time I drink or am hungover.
Also, caffeine gives me heart palpitations so I think my heart is gonna stop, also cardio makes me think my heart will stop.
I hate it, but I also know it will all get better if I stop drinking.
My doc also stopped giving me a benzo, (i had a short term script for it)
She gave me a script for Prozac which I took twice and had AWFUL anxiety and heart palpitations, I told her and she said, "Oh normal, keep taking it"\
Um NO! and I wont touch it, especially since my research said people who have that type of reaction are more likely to develop mania and lose control!
I am really rambling, but I want to tell you one more thing...
People who drink heavily are most likely VERY low on magnesium which causes, guess what? Anxiety, insomnia, heart palpitations, irritability,etc.
People who dont drink can have a deficiency too, but drinkers wayyy more.
I started taking a Magnesium supplement called Natural Calm(you can google it) because it was natural and SAFE!
Now, because it is natural it takes more time to feel effects, after taking it a couple weeks I did, I felt more calm.Its been a couple months now, And guess how many panic attacks? Maybe a couple. And almost NO "heart issues"
You should try it!
I too am 29 and struggle with anxiety, hypochondria, and alcoholism.
I started drinking to help with my social anxiety, it worked, but with ramifications obviously.
I drank to help with my regular anxiety, which only helped while I was drunk, the anxiety when I am hungover was unbearable. I pretty much think Im dying every time.
Im sorry I can't even think clearly because Im on day 2 and its brutal, and I have so much to say! ugh!
I even have the same breathing anxiety as you, it drives me crazy when people say "Take deep breaths for panic attacks" yeah right! So I can mess up my breathing pattern and then think i screwed it up so bad that Im not getting enough oxygen!!
Also heart attacks...oh boy. I read one day that heart attacks can feel like indigestion. Well guess what? That night I had a smidge of heart burn and automatically assumed I was in heart failure. I was in my bathroom reading my bible considering calling 911 for a heart attack.
I had to sit on the floor folding laundry and checking my pulse for 2 hours until I realized i wasnt dying.
BTW this was after drinking...
I also lay in bed and feel like my chest is hurting and that it must be a heart problem, every time I drink or am hungover.
Also, caffeine gives me heart palpitations so I think my heart is gonna stop, also cardio makes me think my heart will stop.
I hate it, but I also know it will all get better if I stop drinking.
My doc also stopped giving me a benzo, (i had a short term script for it)
She gave me a script for Prozac which I took twice and had AWFUL anxiety and heart palpitations, I told her and she said, "Oh normal, keep taking it"\
Um NO! and I wont touch it, especially since my research said people who have that type of reaction are more likely to develop mania and lose control!
I am really rambling, but I want to tell you one more thing...
People who drink heavily are most likely VERY low on magnesium which causes, guess what? Anxiety, insomnia, heart palpitations, irritability,etc.
People who dont drink can have a deficiency too, but drinkers wayyy more.
I started taking a Magnesium supplement called Natural Calm(you can google it) because it was natural and SAFE!
Now, because it is natural it takes more time to feel effects, after taking it a couple weeks I did, I felt more calm.Its been a couple months now, And guess how many panic attacks? Maybe a couple. And almost NO "heart issues"
You should try it!
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