Starting over after 12years of sobriety
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Bradenton, FL
Posts: 15
Starting over after 12years of sobriety
After 12years of sobriety, I thought I could return to social drinking - what a fool I was. At first, I seemed to be able to drink on an infrequent basis and without getting drunk. Two years back into drinking, I find the only reason that I drink is for the buzz. The majority of the time I drink alone.
I can't say that my drinking is as bad as before I quit the first time as I don't experience blackouts and haven't got any more DUIs. It is worse from the perspective that I substitute drinking for things that are important to me like nutrition and working out.
Where I used to be primarily a weekend binge drinker, I have had periods of every day drinking since relapsing.
This is day 3 for me and I am mentally ready to maintain sobriety. I have tried therapy, am on ADs, but Have a real problem with internalizing things and became very angry. At least the drinking cleared the anger out of my system. Unfortunately no therapist or drugs or support groups have been able to release my anger like alcohol.
I can't say that my drinking is as bad as before I quit the first time as I don't experience blackouts and haven't got any more DUIs. It is worse from the perspective that I substitute drinking for things that are important to me like nutrition and working out.
Where I used to be primarily a weekend binge drinker, I have had periods of every day drinking since relapsing.
This is day 3 for me and I am mentally ready to maintain sobriety. I have tried therapy, am on ADs, but Have a real problem with internalizing things and became very angry. At least the drinking cleared the anger out of my system. Unfortunately no therapist or drugs or support groups have been able to release my anger like alcohol.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
Welcome to SR. You bring with you a lot of knowledge about getting sober and staying that way. I look forward to getting to know you. I am six months today and I hope if I am still alive in ten years I will still be sober. I am sorry about your anger. I think only you can answer why you are angry. I was angry for a few years, but I finally got it in check. I found that by forgiving others for the wrongs they had done, anger just went away. My story, not saying yours is the same. Anyway, welcome and congrats on three days. For me they were the hardest.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. I needed a support group as my thinking was less than desired because I fed it BS in my daily lying to myself like it's not that bad. I needed to surrender to the fact that I cannot drink in safety. Another thing that helped is believing that positive thoughts work better than negative ones if worked on.
BE WELL
BE WELL
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
first... thank you for helping me stay sober today, and for giving me more evidence that the sober path is the right path for me to choose...
second - if you're willing / able to identify and share it; what made you decide to go back out after 12 years? Looking back, how did you let yourself come back to alcohol after so long free from its grip?
Congratulations to you also - because your experiment has led you back to a firmer resolve and a newly-charged awareness of what you really want for yourself. May you keep firmly on the sober path.
second - if you're willing / able to identify and share it; what made you decide to go back out after 12 years? Looking back, how did you let yourself come back to alcohol after so long free from its grip?
Congratulations to you also - because your experiment has led you back to a firmer resolve and a newly-charged awareness of what you really want for yourself. May you keep firmly on the sober path.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Bradenton, FL
Posts: 15
I started again for a couple of reasons. First, I didn't believe nor do I still believe that I am "chemically" addicted to alcohol. I drank in the past to medicate my pain and OCD. I felt that I had changed and grown up over the 12 years and thought I could socially drink.
Secondly, I became a bomb ready to explode and knew from my past drinking that alcohol would allow me to get out of "my head". Even the littlest things were adding to my anger and frustration. After a couple of buzzes, the anger went away.
As stated earlier, unfortunately alcohol has been the only way for me to escape from my own thoughts. I have lead a productive life and have nothing major or life changing to escape from. My thoughts are my worst enemy.
Secondly, I became a bomb ready to explode and knew from my past drinking that alcohol would allow me to get out of "my head". Even the littlest things were adding to my anger and frustration. After a couple of buzzes, the anger went away.
As stated earlier, unfortunately alcohol has been the only way for me to escape from my own thoughts. I have lead a productive life and have nothing major or life changing to escape from. My thoughts are my worst enemy.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Btonbill 
I started again for a couple of reasons. First, I didn't believe nor do I still believe that I am "chemically" addicted to alcohol. I drank in the past to medicate my pain and OCD. I felt that I had changed and grown up over the 12 years and thought I could socially drink.
Secondly, I became a bomb ready to explode and knew from my past drinking that alcohol would allow me to get out of "my head". Even the littlest things were adding to my anger and frustration. After a couple of buzzes, the anger went away.
As stated earlier, unfortunately alcohol has been the only way for me to escape from my own thoughts. I have lead a productive life and have nothing major or life changing to escape from. My thoughts are my worst enemy.
Secondly, I became a bomb ready to explode and knew from my past drinking that alcohol would allow me to get out of "my head". Even the littlest things were adding to my anger and frustration. After a couple of buzzes, the anger went away.
As stated earlier, unfortunately alcohol has been the only way for me to escape from my own thoughts. I have lead a productive life and have nothing major or life changing to escape from. My thoughts are my worst enemy.
just curious; had you been actively working a program? Were you in AA or any other outside support or community?
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No, AA is not my thing. I have been in individual therapy for a good part of the 12years and was actually in therapy when I relapsed. We were focusing on other issue, drinking was not discussed, and I didn't tell my therapist that I was considering or had started drinking again.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
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I was clean and sober for 13 years, relapsed on alcohol, and have been sober a little over a year. One of the KEY things that I have learned getting sober this second time is that I am NOT the same person that got sober the first time when I was 25; I am now 47. A LOT has changed, especially my thinking and reaction to life experiences that I have dealt with. My mental health issues have also continued to change through out this entire time. I suggest getting honest with your therapist; I did. I also got real with a medical doctor; in fact I got a new one and told her I needed someone who wouldn't put up with my BS 
Change is possible....it is just different this time.
Change is possible....it is just different this time.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Btonbill.... that's why I asked. Seems like every story I hear about relapse after long periods of sobriety come from people who have kind of "gone it alone" and gotten away from shared community of other alcoholics, stepped back from sharing with their therapists or others and sort of gone into isolation with their disease....
it sure seems to me that what happens then is consistent; 'ol "Slick" makes his move and starts talking the unsupported sober person back to the drink.
Personally, I find AA gives me strength, reminder, support and the consistent power I need to stay on track.
it sure seems to me that what happens then is consistent; 'ol "Slick" makes his move and starts talking the unsupported sober person back to the drink.
Personally, I find AA gives me strength, reminder, support and the consistent power I need to stay on track.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Welcome BtonBill
I was very angry too and I had an incessant jabbering in my head- but my drinking was killing me...
Support helped, but changing my life helped too. I had to do more than just not drink because I was fundamentally broken.
For me my life had very little purpose or meaning - now it does. I try to be thankful for things rather than angry about stuff. Counselling helped too...
I used to say drinking was just the only way I could manage life...but I was wrong.
Give yourself a chance to find other ways this time around
D
I was very angry too and I had an incessant jabbering in my head- but my drinking was killing me...
Support helped, but changing my life helped too. I had to do more than just not drink because I was fundamentally broken.
For me my life had very little purpose or meaning - now it does. I try to be thankful for things rather than angry about stuff. Counselling helped too...
I used to say drinking was just the only way I could manage life...but I was wrong.
Give yourself a chance to find other ways this time around
D
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Welcome Btonbill! You are among friends who truly understand what you're going through.
Did the alcohol actually release the anger - or just mask it? I covered up my emotions for many years and never handled them in a healthy way. It's so much better to deal with things clearheaded. I was sober for 3 yrs. once and decided I could have 'a few' now and then. That attitude led me to 7 more years of heavy drinking - I was more out of control than ever, & it was so much harder to regain my sobriety. I can never go back there again. We're glad you joined us - you can do this Bill.
Did the alcohol actually release the anger - or just mask it? I covered up my emotions for many years and never handled them in a healthy way. It's so much better to deal with things clearheaded. I was sober for 3 yrs. once and decided I could have 'a few' now and then. That attitude led me to 7 more years of heavy drinking - I was more out of control than ever, & it was so much harder to regain my sobriety. I can never go back there again. We're glad you joined us - you can do this Bill.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 642
From everything I've read and experienced, drinking as an alcoholic only leads to hell.
Listen to that little voice in your head that says you should stop. And tell that other little voice in your head to take a hike.
Listen to that little voice in your head that says you should stop. And tell that other little voice in your head to take a hike.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
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Welcome to the family. I got sober in my mid thirties and then started drinking again twenty years later.
It took me nearly two years to finally stop drinking but now I have four years sober and it feels great.
I got sober in my mid thirties and then started drinking again twenty years later.
It took me nearly two years to finally stop drinking but now I have four years sober and it feels great. Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South Texas
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by Btonbill
No, AA is not my thing. I have been in individual therapy for a good part of the 12years and was actually in therapy when I relapsed. We were focusing on other issue, drinking was not discussed, and I didn't tell my therapist that I was considering or had started drinking again.
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